Most people who know me know I’m gay, or that I identify as gay or queer or whichever way you’re more comfortable phrasing or thinking about it. To put it bluntly: I like men, I date men, I sleep with men, I happen to be a man and it’s all good.

The thing that struck me about tech when I started getting more involved in online communities is that no one cared about this fact. Well almost no one, there’s always going to be a hate monger or two, even online. But I never got judged or excluded in tech because of my being gay. Even when other members of the community were aware of it, I got judged on my skills, on my contributions and insight, never based on which gender I preferred to take to bed.

I have to be honest about something though, I never really \"came out\" in tech as gay. I never really felt a need to state this. It came up every now and"}, {"title": "", "text": "ends of the nerves that lead to the visual cortex. If one sees with the brain how is this possible? The truth is that one sees with the whole distributed network, and not with any part of it. This is in keeping with the nonlocal nature of entangled quantum states. I have been careful not to separate too much the body and the brain. It is the whole body, and possibly some things external to it, that is the quantum processing system. The brain plays only a part, important as that part may be. The mind-body relation now has a new form. The mind is the field of phenomenal entities which are the coordinated quantum state reductions in the body. Some phenomenal entities are reflexive, that is self-referential. I am conscious of consciousness, I think of thoughts, I exert my will on my will, as when I metaphorically bite my tongue. Less clearly one loves love, hates hate and fears fear. But one can't green green. What allows for reflexive entities is not clear. Reflexivity seems to be a sign of universality. One can be conscious of anything, hence of consciousness itself. One can think of anything hence of thought itself. One can fear anything, hence fear fear itself. This universality also explains how one can hate love or love pain. Are there, even if to minuscule degrees, universal phenomenal entities present in all collapse instances? Space-time is a universal presence for all systems, and its degrees of freedom participate in all collapse instances. Space-time is"}, {"title": "", "text": "he has comprehended faith, comprehended how he entered into it or how it entered into him.\" Faith isn't an outer good; it is for the inner man. Kierkegaard says the following in Concluding Unscientific Postscript, In the godly discourse about faith, the main point is that it informs us how you and I (that is, single individuals) become believers and that the speaker helps tear us out of all illusions and knows about the long and laborious way and about relapse. \u2026 we sit (in Church) and observe what faith is capable of doing-not as believers, but as spectators of the achievements of faith, just as in our day we do not have speculative thinkers but spectators of the achievements of speculative thought. But for the theocentric, speculative, and objective age it is, of course, more likely far too little- to become involved in the ultimate difficulties, where the question ultimately becomes as sharp, as penetrating, as disturbing, as uncompromising as possible about whether the individual, you and I, is a believer and about how we relate ourselves to faith from day to day. Postscript Note p. 419 It is very difficult for an individual to know that \"God is good.\" We can try to change God and make our wishes his wishes but then Kierkegaard explains, \"I would have been weak enough to make him just as weak; then I would have lost him and my trust in him, . . .\" Kierkegaard asks questions to try to understand how faith can be understood by"}, {"title": "", "text": "could possibly be situated in all three contexts (Kinghorn & Willis, 2008;Falk & Dierking 2000). Better engagement was emphasised as the difference between daytime and night time visits by both event coordinators and visitors. Several visitors stated that the late opening hour motivations are distinct from daytime visiting. R-22 describes \"late opening hours\" as making the event more special: \"(\u2026) I think that's the main point (nodding). It made the museum night special (\u2026) It is not really common for museum to be opened during night time, so it makes [the event] more special, the event in the night time. I think I prefer during night time because maybe I am a student, so I after full day study or if I am working you know [I will] definitely want to do something with my friends and want to be relaxed, yes uh huh (nodding).\" Moreover, concerning convenience of physical context, interviews mentioned \"less tourists during night\" and \"daytime is full of tourist\"; \"less crowded\", \"less kids, you must have seen all the kids if you come during day times\", and \"can focus better.\" When the senior event coordinators of NHM were asked if there was a difference in late events and day time events, EC-1 answered: \"Day time events are quite structured, quite short (\u2026) level of depth of engagement is different. (\u2026) the topics and contents are the same but running hours and the level of engagement is different\". Museums as multi-functional institutions Linked with the debate about diversified museums' roles, a controversy also"}, {"title": "", "text": "Dojo Storage does not support Internet Explorer without Flash, and it does not support Safari or other WebKit-based browsers at all (at least, not without Flash). Also, Dojo Storage is not standalone; it requires a several other Dojo components in order to operate. PersistJS addresses all of the issues above. It currently supports persistent client-side storage through the following backends: * flash: Flash 8 persistent storage. * gears: Google Gears-based persistent storage. * localstorage: HTML5 draft storage. * globalstorage: HTML5 draft storage (old spec). * ie: Internet Explorer userdata behaviors. * cookie: Cookie-based persistent storage. Each backend is wrapped by PersistJS and exploses the exact same interface, which means you don't have to know or care which backend is being used. The next section explains how to use the PersistJS API. 3. Using PersistJS ------------------ Using PersistJS is fairly straightforward. First, you include `persist-min.js` in your web site: After the DOM has loaded, you create a persistent store object: // create new store named \"My Application\" var store = new Persist.Store('My Application'); The store constructor has one required parameter: a store name. You can create as many stores as you'd like, as long as they each have a unique name. Store names should begin with a letter, and can consist of upper and lower case letters, numbers, spaces, and dashes. As I mentioned before, you shouldn't create a persistent store until after the DOM has loaded. The easiest browser-agnostic way to do this is to set an `onload`"}, {"title": "", "text": "layout: post title: (Near) Daily Reflections Commence subtitle: Selected Ramblings, Only Slightly Editted --- ## 003: 01.01 **when do I** find the time to do (good) work? The \"free\" or down time at work is unpredictable & ultimately undesired. Weekends are a good - the best - time to spend w/the family & truly experience \"what it's all about\". Nights, mornings? Obviously I have to be a time thief, & a damn consistent one, if I expect to get things out on a regular basis, which is the goal. More foresight & continous effort, or really more of the same to date. _**keywords**: time; consistency; planning_ ## 003: 02.02 **my time is** precious regardless of how much I'll be able to set aside for my interests. My concern here is with thinking deeply to become most effective. If I imagined that the process would be \"easy\" or flow what comes to mind are: predefined topics, schedule of writing, getting data proactively, an iterative writing process, commitment to delivery. Getting into the nitty gritty, breaking down the essentials/objectives of each post is critical to my getting to work immediately when I have the time and not wasting time figuring out what to do next. Other elements of the process: time away to think and be surprised by ideas, notetaking, regular indexing of ideas, regular prioritization of tasks. _**keywords**: planning; process; time management_ ## 003: 03.03 **by the nature** of the work, by intention, by design, I will flounder and struggle through. How do I focus and discipline"}, {"title": "", "text": "was _much worse_. ## All of the Gear, All of the Time? This isn't the first motorcycle accident I've been in, but I've been fortunate enough to never even break a bone from a crash. No doubt: the gear I wear has protected me from breaking my bones or my neck. I'm not one of those folks who insist that all of the gear, all of the time is the only way to ride. People ride bikes for all kinds of reasons, and it's up to them to determine what level of protection they want. It's a trade-off too; I wear leathers without armour because I find it lets me move better. Sometimes I'll wear nothing but a gloves and helmet on a hot summer day cruising around town. And I use my bike as a form of transportation; rarely do I want to be wearing armoured, leather riding pants when I arrive at a restaurant. Generally I'd advocate that always wearing a helmet and gloves is a smart choice, and wearing at least jeans will protect you pretty well. I try my best to wear my leather jacket as often as possible, and it's usually only rare, warmer-than-35\u00baC summer days I'll go without it. It's saved my skin a lot--literally--and I think it's meant I can not only get up from my crashes but get right back to work afterward. ## The Gear I wanted to review the gear I was wearing, talk about how well it stood up to the crash, and whether I'd"}, {"title": "", "text": "fear. For example, I drink water with lemon in the morning. At night, I consume yogurt with ginger and turmeric in it\" (P/7). \"I regularly cleaned the doors. I drank lots of water with lemon and vinegar. I paid attention to hygiene. Before consuming the vegetables and fruits I brought from outside, I kept them in vinegar water. We immediately took a bath each time we came back home from outside\" (F/8). \"I have rather spent time surfing on the internet. I shared posts about the dishes I prepared. Then, many of my friends started doing this as well. They opened their own Instagram addresses. They shared posts about their own dishes. So we actually tried to distract our attention\" (P/2). Theme 1: Concerns About the Future The state of uncertainty induced by the pandemic causes patients to have anxiety and worry about the future. With cancer treatment and follow-up, this situation worsens even more (Cancer treatment and follow-ups even worsen this situation.) There were three subthemes under this theme: concerns about cancer, concerns about vaccines, and concerns about the protracted pandemic. \"I am mostly concerned about major problems facing the country. I am afraid that our order will be disrupted and we will have nowhere to go. I am afraid of war\" (P/6). \"I have concerns about my health. I am worried about falling into bed and suffering a lot of pain\" (P/7). \"I am currently single and thinking of getting married. I want to have children. I have not been vaccinated, I am against"}, {"title": "", "text": "no emotional support, like their parents don't care about them as a person, but only about their success, etc etc. Although this may not necessarily be true it's hard to \"feel\" that. I would encourage parents to take time to show active interest in their children's thoughts, and sometimes just take the time to listen to what's on their time without speaking themselves. There is a large cultural gap between children and parents Wayne Xun 20:55 ok long paragraph haha Wayne Xun 20:56 I think that might answer June's follow up question to elaborate more Wayne Xun 20:57 One more question on parent-children before moving onto post-high school? 1. In Chinese community, kids have no choice but using their parents or teachers as their mentors. What about mentoring? 2. is your friend circle changed from high school to college? 3. Why did you get into Google June Yu 20:57 Thank you so much Wayne Xun 20:57 Also, Hong, can you elaborate on this question? Wayne Xun 20:57 \"In your mind, do you understand all the symbolism of Chinese logic? And how do you resolve it when you face conflict from American culture? \" Wayne Xun 20:57 Is there another way to say \"symbolism\" of chinese logic? Or you can type the chinese and I can try to look it up Wayne Xun 20:58 or someone can help translate Wayne Xun 20:58 But maybe you can tell from my asking for help, that i probably dont understand it at all hahahah I'm terrible Wayne Xun 20:58 In"}, {"title": "", "text": "to take good care of the patient at home\" (FG2). Equally, the admission team members acted on requests from their staff: \u00ab\u2026. I think about being short of time\u2026. I have occasionally participated in admission team meetings. The focus there is on healthy transition process. The members give room for extending the stay at the STCF, if we consider it necessary. You know, to support a safe and healthy transition for the patient. So at least, I think they try in many situations, to support the patients and their next of kin (FG2). Different facilities with different functions, professional resources and contexts influenced IPC. The municipal health and care services depend on using unlicensed assistants to have enough health care providers at work at any time. The findings demonstrate that it varied between the facilities how this influenced IPC. At the LTCF, the licensed nursing staff worked sideby-side with their assistants during dayshifts weekdays (FG3). They then had opportunity to supervise and delegate tasks to the assistants and the assistants had the opportunity to ask questions. At weekends and nights, however, there were fewer licensed nursing staff at each shift, which limited close interaction between the unlicensed and licensed staff: \"Especially when a new patient arrives, then I get nearly always information from the registered nurse and I get the rest myself, or ask the patient himself, what he can do. I experience I get all the information I need. 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body, nothing I see is attached to reality. My body dismorphia has made my perception of myself be skewed for the past 3-4 years. In my mind I\u2019m this wide hipped, big armed, weird bellied, funny faced looking monster. This sort of negativity changes the way I live day to day. If I go to an audition and I feel particularly lardish, for the next two weeks I\u2019ll work out like 5 hours a day and eat only greens until my focus shifts. It sounds really manic and it is. The lengths I go to in order to \u201cbetter\u201d myself are extreme. If I could love myself as I am, my time would be filled so much better. I mean this mania certainly shows I\u2019ve got a real work ethic and drive- if I could love myself all the time as I am, I would be able to fully give myself to the people I love and the things I love to do. It sounds like I\u2019m always manic and hateful about this stuff. I recognize by many standards I meet some sort of appropriate level of attractiveness. I am aware and grateful for the privileges my skin color and appearance have given me. But somewhere along the way I was taught to hate myself and everyday I am trying to learn to undo the lesson inside of myself. I would love to see my stomach differently. I know it\u2019s cliche but it\u2019s true. I send a lot of hate to my"}, {"title": "", "text": "So it's been a few days. So what? It's been hard to write lately. Cuz I have been spending all my energy on hating myself and my body. That kind of disgust requires alot of energy, let me tell you. It's emotionally draining to think negative thoughts every time you see yourself- in a mirror, in a window, in a picture, in your own mind's eye. It's not that I hate myself, persay. I don't, not the inside of me. It's the outside that I'm pissed off at. But also a little bit the inside, because is it the outside's fault how it looks? No, it's the insides fault with it's total lack of self control and emotional comfort taking from food. So I'm mostly hating the outside and am angry at the inside. Go ME. Sigh. Denial is strong. But I am waking up the reality and it ain't pretty people. It just ain't pretty."}, {"title": "", "text": "why that\u2019s never going to work: Umm. . . . has ignoring your problems ever made them go away?\" Image via iStock. Actively think about the fact that you\u2019re unhappy with your body. Force yourself to really think about that. Approach it the same way that you might with any other kind of bad day: Remind yourself that a day is only 24 hours long, and tomorrow might be different. Accept what you have no control over and then focus on what you can change about your outlook. Address it. Stare it in the face. 2. Look at it. This goes back to the question of whether or not ignoring your problems has ever helped them dissipate. And I think that when we try to avoid mirrors, it makes them all the more tempting \u2013 and that\u2019s the opposite of what we need. Just like sitting with your negative feelings, looking at the body that you\u2019re unhappy with puts you in the position of being the boss of your situation. It\u2019s a way of reminding the voices in your head that you are the one in charge here \u2014 and that the smallest shift in thought or intent can turn your whole day around. Do it fully clothed if you want to, but also feel free to do it naked. Run your hands down every part of you. Jiggle your jiggly bits. Show off your musculature (or lack thereof). (Post continues after gallery.) We love these celebrity body image quotes Rebel WilsonThe actress said on Twitter;"}, {"title": "", "text": "Hate Myself \u2013> Repeat. Instead, you\u2019ll fall into a daily routine of self-care, which will lead to a physical transformation that will be permanent and APPRECIATED by you. To do this, stop judging yourself against pictures of perfection. If you need a visual for inspiration, use quotes or even photos of you at YOUR best. Start being thankful for what is looking back at you in the mirror, no matter how hard that is to do. Start to appreciate all the things you can do, have accomplished, and the beauty and wonder of YOU. Tell yourself in the mirror every single day \u201cI accept myself exactly as I am right now\u201d. Re-frame your perspective on low-quality junk foods as abuse to your body, not a reward or a comfort. Re-frame your perspective on exercise as a way to feel good, not a punishment. Re-frame healthy foods as preventative medicine and energy for your life. It\u2019s a daily process that won\u2019t always be perfect, but with daily practice will improve over time. This hit the mark. Thank you for being so honest, direct and vulnerable. I believe this will encourage many women out there. It for sure encouraged me. Thank you for this article. I recently had an epiphany that I allowed my two years living in TX to create a very unreal set of expectations regarding my physical appearance. I am an attractive 37yr old who has been active for many years. I started exercising to manage my moods and it was wonderful. I loved to"}, {"title": "", "text": "key. You have to constantly tell yourself that tomorrow will be better\u2014until one day, it actually is. Hearing comments from people like, \u201cYou\u2019re all better, right?\u201d or, \u201cCan you eat this now?\u201d makes it seem like I was once an entirely different person with an incapacitating virus that was then completely flushed out of my system when I sought help. Mental illness does not disappear that easily. So yes, I am doing significantly better now than I have in the past. In fact, I\u2019m probably in the best place that I have been in a while. However, the issues and bad thoughts that I dealt with years ago came from the same brain I have today. The ease of giving into these disordered thoughts is tempting sometimes, but the quality of the life I live now is incomparable. Photo courtesy of flickr.com Despite what you may think, I still have bad body image days where I feel disgusting and don\u2019t want to go outside. I look back at old pictures of myself and see how much thinner I was and sometimes wish that I could once again be in that shape. Sometimes I want to revert back to having control over every aspect of my day and relish in the happy feeling I would get when I saw a lower number on the scale. There are times when I wake up and decide that I\u2019m not going to eat today because I look big in the mirror and feel bloated, but by lunchtime, I get hungry."}, {"title": "", "text": "you see them happy, confident and with strong will power. I\u2019ve been overweight and now I am fit. I can tell you from experience that what you think and how you feel about yourself influence the way you look, not the other way around. I will break it down and explain it to you. This is the worst way you can think about yourself. No matter if you express it loudly or not, thinking about you negatively affects you more than you imagine. If you look in the mirror and deep inside you feel like looking awful , that\u2019s going to affect your appearance. You should never critique your body, tell yourself that you are ugly, not attractive, fat and things like this. You should NEVER do this to yourself. You practically order your body to look that way. You will feel bad, you will have bad habits and you won\u2019t take care of your body at all. That way your body lose more health, you become fatter and you think worse about yourself. It\u2019s a vicious spinning circle and you need to get out of it asap. In this way, people say: \u201cI don\u2019t care how I look. I don\u2019t care how I feel, how healthy I am, how that impacts my body\u201d. At this point, maybe you don\u2019t make your body look worst but you will leave yourself open to harm. If you don\u2019t care about the way you look, it means you don\u2019t love yourself and you don\u2019t love your body. So you"}, {"title": "", "text": "You just have yet to see the strength inside of you. The beautiful person you really are. You have yet to discover that your beauty isn\u2019t defined by your weight. That you deserve the love you give to everyone else. That you are capable of anything you desire as long as you are brave enough to try. This entry was posted in Miscellaneous and tagged body image, health coach, imperfect, Self care, self love on April 9, 2018 by danielle. As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression I know all too well how my mood can affect how I feel about my body. . These two pictures are exactly the same but what I see on a good day versus a bad day can be a world of difference. On a bad day, I\u2019ll see all of my flaws, on a better day, it\u2019s much easier to brush past them, or realize it is merely me being my own worst critic. Now while it may be impossible to completely CHANGE your thoughts and how you feel about your body, it is possible to work on reframing them. Another thing to work on\u2026 how you REACT to them. In the past a bad day would lead to either restricting my food, emotional eating, or hours of extra workouts. Not anymore. Trust that your mood is merely dictating how you are viewing yourself and it may not always be the most accurate picture. Bottom Line: Work on your inside and your mindset, and your outside will reflect"}, {"title": "", "text": "way out. This is not fun, and it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I love health, I love nutrition. I work out every day, and eat 5 planed meals a day, but then late at night when nobodies home the urge comes, sometimes I can say no, and go right to bed. But sometimes I can not! and tonight was one of those nights! after two binges and purges I jumped right online and started researching natural, healthy ways I can just stop this cycle and move on with my life in a much more healthy way. I can't do this anymore, its tearing me down, ripping me apart, and all i feel like doing right now is crying, cuz I'm not sure what else I can do at this point, I want to be strong, but there is nothing left in me to give to this. I need to fix my mind from going back to this, I just don't want to even think about it anymore. I don't know why I ever let it enter into my life when I knew how bad it looked from the outside, and how bad it was for me, coming from somebody who is really into health I feel like a liar! Like a hypocrite. I want to change for the better and move on, I know I can do this. There has to be a way. A healthy way. Love, somebody with hope for a better future."}, {"title": "", "text": "growing, eyebrows in need of maintenance, my red face (neck, arms, etc.), and the list went on and on. There was so much to be concerned about; so many imperfections to see. All of that had me feeling like crap about myself, causing me to think even further about the rest of my body and all the massive flaws there too, and how all of those things were in need of change. This is a path to nothing but stress. I can see more clearly now. I can see that things that used to go bump in the night were nudges back onto my chosen path. I can see how love rules my life now, and how all that blaming and judgment of others in the past is nearly gone from my life. And, the worst of any of those things were as people have said that we are our own worst critics. The benefit from this change is seeing the real me, the truer me, the loving me, the embraceable me. I hope that if you have been experiencing any of that negative self-talk when you look at a picture of you or look in the mirror, that what I have said here may be of benefit in moving toward loving yourself instead. It not only feels better, but it is also the ultimate encouragement."}, {"title": "", "text": "me \u201cI like how I think but I don\u2019t like myself.\u201d When I asked him \u201cwhy don\u2019t you like yourself?\u201d He said \u201cbecause of my weaknesses\u201d. He\u2019s a great guy with a lot of potential but his attitude toward himself drag him down. The most important thing you must do in life is to be happy with who you are. And happiness won\u2019t come by hating yourself. Focusing on your weaknesses and letting them drag you down it\u2019s not the way to go. You\u2019ll only amplify them. Look\u2026 you have this body you live in. A body that keeps you alive every single day. Stop hurting yourself. We all have good parts and not so good ones. Learn to love both and work on improving every day. Work on what you can change! So you want to lose weight? Well that weight won\u2019t just vanish over night while you\u2019re eating unhealthy food lying down on the couch. Get active! Stop finding reasons not to do it and limiting yourself. Pick an activity you\u2019d like and do it. Change your eating habits too. Switch to a healthier lifestyle. Of course it\u2019s much easier to find reasons not to do it, blame it on others, not make a change and continue to feel depressed and miserable but\u2026 it\u2019s your choice how you want to spend your life. You have to want it bad enough to really put some work in. It won\u2019t happen over night. It will take some time but YOU CAN do it! Be Yourself, The"}, {"title": "", "text": "I don't want to spend my life caught in that cycle of self-loathing. I _can't,_ I won't live that way anymore. How many mornings was I late for work because I couldn't find an outfit that magically changed the way I felt about my body? How many evenings did I stand in the middle of a grocery-store aisle, paralyzed with fear and indecision? It's not just the time I regret; it's the loss of who I might have been if I wasn't so consumed. It's who I might have loved, how I might have lived, what I might have accomplished. I might have been a force to be reckoned with. Instead, I spent way too much time weeping on my bedroom floor, surrounded by crumpled shirts and pants turned inside out. Back then, self-care for me meant \"making an effort,\" as my grandmother might have said, starving myself, jogging despite my bad knees, trying my best to fit my body, literally and metaphorically, into the image it was \"supposed\" to resemble. Now taking care of myself means what I _do_ rather than what I look like. And over time I've figured out what I need to do to feel healthy and creative and, yes, joyful physically and emotionally. What I need to do will no doubt look different than what you need to do, but I'll tell you anyway in case it's useful: \u2022 Some kind of physical exercise every day; a brisk stroll around the neighborhood works, but I also love cycling and hiking \u2022"}, {"title": "", "text": "look in the mirror, you won\u2019t see the beauty in your body or in your face. That negative thought pattern can effectively blind you to everything that\u2019s good about you. When you look in the mirror, immediately tell yourself out loud something positive about your body. As a negative thought hits, immediately switch it with a positive one. Focus on all that\u2019s good about your body - your hair, your eyes, your muscles, your movement, your hips, or your feet. Lovingly redirect your mind so that when you look in an actual mirror or the mirror of self-reflection, you see that all your imperfections have worked together to make up an amazing person. Accept that amazing person as is whether or not you ever change your appearance. Make notes about what\u2019s good about you. Stick these notes around your home or in your car so that you find them at random times. Use affirmations whenever possible and if someone does say something negative to you, correct that thought immediately and if you feel comfortable, correct that person as well. You have to adjust the way that you let the media and other people into your thoughts. Stop caring what other people say about you. Don\u2019t accept that and don\u2019t internalize it. Whatever problems that person has isn\u2019t on you. If they don\u2019t like the way you dress or the way you look, that\u2019s their issue and not yours. Don\u2019t just change your thought pattern to be kind to yourself - actually be kind to you. Appreciate"}, {"title": "", "text": "be concerned. I\u2019m sitting in that chair there thinking about it. I\u2019m sitting next to you on the couch thinking about it. I\u2019m laying in bed at night thinking about it. Thankfully I haven\u2019t dreamed about it. It eats away at me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour. I\u2019d say I need help but I swear that doesn\u2019t even seem to be working. Am I to damaged to help? Beyond the point of repair? Am I at that point where nobody even cares that it upset me anymore? If there was a magic pill, believe me, I\u2019d take it in a heartbeat. But there isn\u2019t. But in my car ride home today, I found myself grasping at the fat at my body, over analyzing my legs thinking about everything I couldn\u2019t eat and every way I could avoid eating. I was with my friends tonight and they always manage to comment on how much I didn\u2019t eat or how I need to eat more. I don\u2019t think they truly comprehend the condition. Then again, I don\u2019t really plan to go into explaining what\u2019s going on in my mind and with my body. I think that I just have this overwhelming feeling that nobody is going to think I\u2019m pretty. I guess that\u2019s irrational considering there is literally and infinite amount of people with allllllll different body types on this planet. At the end of the day, at least one person will find something beautiful about them. I\u2019ve also heard it said that beauty"}, {"title": "", "text": "I\u2019m going to let you in on a secret. It\u2019s a secret that a lot of people share \u2013 I used to hate my appearance. Granted, I went through a pretty awkward stage \u2013 when you\u2019re a round-faced teenager with braces and frizzy hair, it doesn\u2019t do a lot for your confidence. But once my braces came off and I lost my last excuse to treat my appearance seriously, I went into a kind of spiral. I lost interest in makeup and did nothing more with my hair than stick it in a ponytail. My wardrobe consisted of worn-out jeans and tee shirts. It wasn\u2019t because I was a tomboy and enjoyed it, it was simply because I stopped caring. I would undress before I showered, look at myself in the mirror, and all I would see was a chunky, awkward girl about as attractive as a hippo, and I thought nothing I did would change that. I hate to exercise \u2013 anyone can tell you this. I also like to eat. I mean, come on \u2013 what\u2019s the fun of eating if you have to make yourself sweat afterwards? On purpose? I tried eating hardly anything, and that lasted about two hours. I tried exercising \u2013 that stuck a little more, but I still loathed it. This continued, and it only got worse. I wasn\u2019t taking pride \u2013 or even paying attention to \u2013 my appearance and as a result, I never felt happy with how I looked and neither did anyone else. I wasn\u2019t"}, {"title": "", "text": "I\u2019m feeling far less than perfect. And it\u2019s allowed me to stop beating myself up for beating myself up. Look, we all have days where we feel powerful and strong and invincible. And then we have days where we don\u2019t. This is normal. This is life. But when we make the decision to stop hating our bodies and hating ourselves for the way our bodies look, there is a tendency to want to exchange one sort of perfectionism (the search for the perfect body) for another (the complete cessation of negative body thoughts). I get it. First I mourned for all the perfect things I imagined would happen in my life once I had the perfect body. And then I had the honeymoon period where I believed I would never feel bad about my body again and I would remain perfectly healthy and nobody could ever hurt me again. And then I had the bad days where I didn\u2019t feel perfectly happy or healthy in my body AT ALL. And then I started beating myself up for beating myself up about not having the perfect body in a perfect recursive storm of self-recrimination. Sometimes I just have to STOP. Take a few deep breaths and tell myself that I am hereby absolved of the need to be perfect in anything. This includes being perfect at self-acceptance. This includes being perfect about body love. This includes being perfect about not needing to be perfect. I take another breath and try to be grateful for the whole, non-perfect,"}, {"title": "", "text": "time noticing it. Then everytime you notice that you are using negative language, say in your head, \u201cSTOP, this is not useful\u201d and flip it. If you were thinking \u201cmy tummy is so fat and ugly\u201d say instead \u201cmy tummy is beautiful and soft\u201d even if you don\u2019t believe it. This is a practice so keep practising. Sleep is vital for every aspect of our health. Sleep is for the strong, not the weak. You need to prioritise it. Ensure that you are getting at least 8 hours each night. Keep all electronics out of the bedroom. Avoid blue light (phones, tv, laptops) at least 30min before bed. Keep an eye on what caffeine and alcohol are doing to your body. If you struggle with sleep, get some help. Talk about weight loss, bikini bodies and unrealistic beauty standards is everywhere. It\u2019s difficult to escape it but if you want to create a loving relationship with your body there is no room for that negativity in your life. Do not be available for that kind of crap anyone. Unfollow anyone on social media who promotes that. Avoid newspapers, magazines and websites that promise you can lose 2 stone in 2 weeks. Change the subject with friends, family and work colleagues when these topics come up or if you feel brave enough, tell them that you are no longer interested in talking about these things anymore. Don\u2019t buy clothes to aspire to, ones that you hope to fit in when you\u2019ve lost weight. Don\u2019t buy the first"}, {"title": "", "text": "Welcome to my blog. A weekly dose of realness, because it's our humanness that makes us beautiful. Letters to Myself: Do I really want to change? I just got done eating a few handfuls of cereal and I am hating myself for it right now. As I shoved the tiny bites into my mouth I thought about everything I ate today - fruit and coffee, a peanut butter sandwich, soup and an orange. I know I am hurting myself and I am fully aware that my habits are completely unhealthy, yet I can\u2019t stop and I yearn for the hunger sensations that reassures myself I am reaching my goal and weight. Do I really want to change or will I continue until I am happy with myself.. Will that day ever come? I know how much you are hurting, it\u2019s okay. It will all be okay, that is one thing I can promise you. Food will not always be restricted. Exercise will not always be forced. These things will not always bring you guilt. The day WILL come where you no longer see the enemy when you look in the mirror. The day will come where you no longer spend every waking moment wishing to be someone else. The day will come where you accept and welcome all thoughts and feelings and emotions with love. You CAN be happy now, my love, in the very body you are hating and hurting in. Your weight, the food, the exercise, the goals do not define you. You define"}, {"title": "", "text": "won\u2019t properly take care of it. Health requires caring, that means you will be exposed to illnesses and infections produced by bad behaviors or eating habits. Your body will be vulnerable on a daily basis. Another thing that is dangerous here is that our mind can\u2019t work without a pattern. You can\u2019t simply say to a computer: do what you want! The computer needs a command to execute. That means, maybe you think that you don\u2019t care about how you look, but deep inside you have a pattern. Most probably from other people who don\u2019t take care of their bodies also, so that\u2019s not the best example to follow. This is the only way I recommend to think about yourself. Love yourself, love the way you look and try to find ways to improve your health. Be gentle with yourself and the opinions you have about yourself. You are not just complimenting your appearance, you are also setting up a pattern, a standard. If you want to lose weight focus on how you will going to look. Imagine yourself looking like that already. You can simply say \u201cI will look stunning when I am going to lose weight (while imagining yourself slim)\u201d . This is pure DNA changing, habits changing and feelings changing. Not to mention how happy and confident you are going to feel. It\u2019s very simple. What you intensely put in your mind, the brain interprets that as a wish, as a command. And it will give you patterns to get there. Is that"}, {"title": "", "text": "and you just have to take baby steps. 2. self-care & self-love // look at your self in the mirror and say I love you. I really really love you and try not to crack up because it seems a little funny at the time. But really look at your face, hair, body, skin, freckles and toes and love and appreciate every single piece of energy, cell and fiber that makes up who you are. Love your flaws, they make you even more beautiful and special. You are unique, genuine, one of a kind and there is no other being like you at all on this planet! That in itself is utterly magnificent! **If you are having trouble with this, the things that really work for me are getting a better nights sleep to feel more rested and positive, unplug more, walks outside in nature, eating healthier meals, exercise more often, talking with loved ones in person instead of using the phone and physically pick up and read a book. I will be totally transparent and tell you guys my biggest self image fear. I have the worst stretch marks up both of my sides on my hips. Someone once described them as freddy krueger scars (ballooned that beezy away-you'll see later!!) I have never really shown pictures of them as I use to hate them with every bit of energy in me. Now, I love them, honor them and remember that I got them from 6th-7th grade Summer and grew to my current height at"}, {"title": "", "text": "going to a professional (counsellor or therapist) for guidance. 5. Take ownership of your actions, reactions and words of the past, which still seem to follow you. Understand their consequences and take note of their lessons. 7. Look in the mirror and point out all the things you like and dislike about your body. Work towards loving those areas EXACTLY as they are. I bet as you start to really love your Self, your body will start to change and look better. NOTE: Everything we feel manifests itself physically \u2013 our bodies reflect what we feel. Often this shows as a noticeable outwards physical change to others and ourselves (NO, I am not talking about silicone breast implants the size of basketballs here!), and sometimes it\u2019s an inward physical or physiological change that only we can feel (you have pain everywhere and there is no explanation that your doctor can find for it through any tests he or she has run). It\u2019s important to become aware of our Self \u2013 body, mind, spirit, emotions are all interconnected. 8. Be honest with yourself. The truth may not be very pretty but until you face it, you won\u2019t make any progress. 10. Embrace the change this journey will bring to your life. Know that not everyone will stay with you, and that\u2019s okay. Be aware that there are no shortcuts and sometimes you\u2019ll feel like you\u2019ve reached a plateau but that\u2019s just a small \u2018break\u2019 until you have to move on to the next part. Last few things"}, {"title": "", "text": "negative things about your body, what you are essentially doing is getting better at telling yourself those bad things about your body. It is a vicious cycle, and endless loop of self-disrespect and you are the only one with the power to end it. How can you ever love your body when you are constantly practicing ways to hate it? You may not be fully in control of your thoughts, but you can choose to take charge and say \u201cNo!\u201d to that voice in your head saying you look ugly. Interrupt that nasty thought pattern and consciously replace it with a positive one. At first it might seem difficult to control, but the more you do this, the better you will get at doing it, until your thought patterns become more positive, and therefore healthier! Whatever it is, you can get rid of it altogether, distance yourself from it, or simply tune it out. If the beauty magazines you read are constantly showing you unrealistic images of photoshopped, well-posed, and professionally-photographed models and holding that up as the ideal you and all women should strive for at all times, ask yourself if you really need to continue reading these magazines. If you have toxic people in your life who make you feel awful about the way you look, try to address it with them and see if it improves. If not, you can distance yourself from them or cut them off, depending on the particular situation. You can take charge of your happiness by controlling how"}, {"title": "", "text": "the time. I also know that it doesn\u2019t matter. I see what I see. I have spent my life wanting, so badly, to be able to take my clothes off with a lover and not feel like apologizing. I want to be able to enjoy my physicality without thinking about how disgusting I must look. I want to be able to just put clothes on without assessing how they will hide my flaws. I want to feel beautiful. I have hit a point in my life now at 41 years old and after numerous attempts to overcome this dysfunctional relationship that I seriously have thought it will never change. I read the above mentioned blog and thought to myself\u2026I need to do something. I have spent my life unhappy with myself. I had a brief time 2 years ago when I felt like things had shifted for me. Then life got in the way and all hell broke loose so to speak. A family tragedy ensued and I am only now beginning to start seeing a way out of grief. In the place I am now, finding my footing again has become even more important to me being able to move forward. A huge part of this is conquering my personal issues with regards to self-image and, more importantly, self-love. Since reading the blog a few days ago I have noticed a change in how I see myself. I am gentler on myself\u2026I am looking at myself and seeing the beauty of a body that has"}, {"title": "", "text": "mirror trying to figure out ways I could alter or improve my physique. For me it's almost a defence mechanism because I could either sit there all day wallowing in self pity or think about different possibilities to make things better (i.e. plastic surgery). I think I might have cried a bit after reading this?"}, {"title": "", "text": "cried myself to sleep. I tried every form of diet there was. I spent a ridiculous amount of money trying to drown my troubles in shopping. I just wanted to look like everyone else! At times, I would lie in bed at night and wish that I could be anorexic so that I could feel better about myself. I was a horrible/crazy girlfriend because I looked to whatever person I was dating to make me feel better about myself. If they didn't say something on a regular basis, I would feel that there was something wrong with me and it made me hate myself even more. And it wasn't just my body, either. I changed my personality and interests so many times in an effort to be liked. In high school I worked hard to always be loud and funny so I could be known as \"the funny one\". Truthfully, I think I came across more like \"the obnoxious one\". What gets me is that the whole time I felt this way, I constantly read self confidence books and the Bible. I KNEW that God thought I was perfect and that I was made in his image which is a glorious thing. That alone should have made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I knew it in my mind but my heart didn't get the memo. There were two other things that contributed to my self-loathing. The first was my health. Since I was in middle school I have been sick on"}, {"title": "", "text": "\u2190 What would you do if she were your daughter? I have been avoiding this blog. I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn\u2019t be nice to take someone else\u2019s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late\u2026..yadda yadda yadda! Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror! I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS! I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I\u2019m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn\u2019t. I\u2019m too tired to get up early and work out. I\u2019m too busy during the day. I\u2019ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I\u2019ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don\u2019t workout because it\u2019s too depressing. My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with"}, {"title": "", "text": "I hate myself.\u201d Words from my junior high journal but think I wrote these same words every night for over 10 years. I hated myself\u2026 but it was a silent hate that no one saw. If you were to ask anyone about me, they would say I was happy and probably an over-achiever. I was one of the fastest runners in the state. I was friends with everyone. Excelled at everything I did. And was happy\u2026 or so they thought. However, on the inside I was dying\u2026 I don\u2019t know exactly when it started but I do remember a few poignant times: \u00b7 Like the time in the summer before 5th grade when my grandpa made me get on the scale at his house and after seeing the numbers on the scale, telling me I couldn\u2019t eat while I was at his house\u2026 which resulted in me sticking my fingers down my throat for the first time to make myself throw up, which continued into my early 20s \u00b7 Like the time in the 6th grade when the boys called me pizza face because of my acne \u00b7 Like the time in the 8th grade when my math teacher, Mrs. Dean, wiped my hair out of my face and told me to not hide behind my hair\u2026 I was beautiful \u00b7 Like the many therapists and nutritionists offices I would sit in and smile and tell them everything was ok and they believed me \u00b7 Like the time when I drank my way through college so"}, {"title": "", "text": "feel frustrated and downbeat staring at my reflection. I\u2019d obsess over the parts (parts = objectification?) of my body not developing as quickly as I\u2019d hoped. I\u2019d started to change my body to change my self-esteem, yet I was operating within the paradigm of unrealistic beauty standards. I was placing my worth on how close I was getting to the perfected images I\u2019d seen in the media. This expectation, this hope, was fuelled by a deceptive fitness industry that sells a lie of what is possible, without the aid of steroids. I\u2019d internalised a distorted expectation of the functionality of my body. I wasn\u2019t tuned into me, I was tuned out, hopelessly trying to attain someone else\u2019s look. The above philosophy has radically changed my outlook. I take a playful approach to the way the body changes and adapts. I try and step back, simply notice changes without actively labelling them \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cbad\u201d or myself a success of failure dependent on my reflection. I take a curious approach to when I feel weaker or stronger on a particular day, or how certain foods give me more energy than others. At a basic level, I\u2019ve developed an appreciation for the miracle of the human body, and its ability to change. Self-criticism does of course still catch up with me. I get days where I feel anxious about my appearance \u2014 maybe I\u2019m shrinking, putting on too much fat, incapable of exercising properly, not eating enough, eating too much \u2014 but these are reduced, fleeting, they don\u2019t"}, {"title": "", "text": "used to look at my lowest weight or I want to avoid any social interaction. It's like I've now programmed my brain to self destruct whenever I begin to feel low and, although nowadays, this 'self destruction' doesn't happen anywhere near as often as it used to, it certainly still happens - it's just the way that it is. As someone who has always thought of themselves in a negative light, it's sooooo hard to change the way that I think about myself. I've always sought other people's approval, I've always wanted to 'fit in' and be 'liked'. In the back of my head, I always knew I was trying too hard, but that never stopped me. I told myself that if other people didn't like me or the way that I looked, then neither should I; I told myself that if I didn't fit the mold or if I didn't do what everyone else did, that I would always be alone. I basically brainwashed myself into believing that I was worthless and that no one could like/love the 'real me'. I've always hated my appearance - and when I say 'hate', I well and truly mean 'hate'. I mean that I've despised everything about myself - I couldn't look in a mirror or at a photo and find one positive quality, yet I'd stand in front of my mirror for hours on end and I'd just look at myself. I'd scroll through Instagram and find 'body inspo' and search how much celebrities weighed and compare"}, {"title": "", "text": "a litany of criticism constantly running through your head and it never seems to end. You say that you accept that this is the way it is but you increasingly feel bitter, resentful, hate yourself and compare yourself constantly to others and you feel powerless. You accept that this is the way that your body is right now and you decide that even if you never lose another gram, you are going to look after you. You start making fresh, healthy food that you enjoy. You throw out all the clothes that don\u2019t fit and find ones that suit your body shape in colors and fabrics that you love. You take 100% responsibility for your health and make choices that decrease your stress and increase your happiness. You do more things that make you feel good. You accept that your body is really at your mercy, so you decide to do your best to make it\u2019s job of keeping you strong and healthy, as easy as possible. You focus on how you want to feel instead of how you want to look. Acceptance is saying to yourself; \u201cOk, right now THIS is how it is. What can I do right now and in the future, to make this as easy, comfortable or better for ME as I can? How can I support myself more in this situation? What steps can I take to help myself? What resources can I use or call on? Who can I find to help me help myself? Acceptance is such a"}, {"title": "", "text": "wise. I agree with everybody, change doctors. Hammer on doors till someone listens to you as it is serious and affecting your day to day life. Would temporarily stepping away from daily outfit posts help? Not that I want to see you stop blogging, but perhaps taking a break from taking/analysing photographs of yourself on a daily basis would ease some stress(?) Just a thought. Your GP is an idiot. Go back, see someone else. Don't give up, you shouldn't have to put up with feeling this way. Have fun with the things you've got planned, a good spring clean always feels good! I am so sorry that you are suffering in this way. I have struggled in a very similar way in the past and believe me - things really will improve! I have been outside my comfort zone recently with a complete transformation of style and have documented it in a new blog http://rebeccatriestrousers - you might like to take a look! Learning to love and accept yourself can be a rough journey. I've walked that one before and I can empathize. Try to list at least 3 positive things about yourself in a daily journal. It's good practice and builds the habit of self-love. You can do it! I'm really sorry that you're struggling on at the moment. From my point of view, you always love lovely; you have amazing long legs, and a lovely figure! (And fantastic style!) But I know exactly how it feels to hate everything about your body, and"}, {"title": "", "text": "if you think you know me and we have not seen each other in years. You don't know me then. I am not the same man I use to Be. I have changed Things I did not like about my self. I have also Changed what others did not like about me. Some was to make them happy even if i felt miserable the hole time. I am the man today because I didn't like how my life was going and finally put my foot down to make a change the only person that can do that is you, and yourself. you think your fat then stop feeling sorry for your self and go do something about it. you to skinny eat.. duh! you want short hair cut it. you hate short hair grow it out.. you don't like the house or apartment you live in move. hate being broke go make some money."}, {"title": "", "text": "would eat something indulgent or \u201ctaboo\u201d and immediately regret nourishing my body and spent the rest of the day with a cloud of guilt hanging over my head. It was taxing on my relationships, where my loved ones couldn\u2019t understand how I could be so hard on myself, when they loved my imperfections and thick thighs. And worse still, I hid it and did it anyway knowing it was wrong and I was hurting myself. My anxiety would plague me at work. My mind would instantly default to \u201cI\u2019m not smart enough, I shouldn\u2019t be here.\u201d I knew people could sense my anxiousness, which only made it worse. When depression or low self-esteem hit it felt like Instagram had created my own personal filter of greys and clouds for everything in sight. I wanted to hide and sleep, all the time. I would crawl into bed and wish away my problems and my life because I felt trapped. Worse still was when I had plans of all the things I wanted to accomplish in a day, but was overcome by the mental flood of emotions. It left me exhausted with no energy to tackle any of it. For quite some time, I was running on an autopilot and scraping by with the essentials: eat, work, sleep, rinse, repeat. Survival mode. Gradually I\u2019ve dug myself out of the hole. Reframing problems, meditating/yoga, creative outlets, envisioning demons while kickboxing, starting afresh in a new city (this one worked wonders for me) all things that slowly allowed me to"}, {"title": "", "text": "I Don't Love My Body 24/7. Here's How I Cope With It. As I get undressed to get in the shower, I stand exposed in the bathroom mirror. For a second, I slip into that self-hate, ED brained thinking of I am not good enough as I critique my new body, and my heart pounds a little faster. As I step in the shower, the faucet handle mocks my current mood by distorting my body into an oblong shape. I turn away so its cruel joke will no longer sting. As I get out and put on clothes, the jeans that no longer are a breeze to pull up scream at me to DO SOMETHING. The tears come without warning. This is recovery, this is reality, this is the battle. But the war can be won. What my ED brain won\u2019t tell you is what happens after that shower/closet scene. As I am putting on my make-up, my husband now kisses me on the cheek and tells me I look beautiful. My daughter bounds in and wraps her little arms around my legs and digs her head into them for comfort and love. My son comes in rubbing his eyes and nestles himself into my arms as he tells me about his night\u2019s sleep. You see, when deep in my disorder, I was absent. Gone. Checked out. I was literally not there. But now, in my recovery, I am present. Sit. It is something that they made me do in treatment that I continue to use"}, {"title": "", "text": "looking at me, particularly at my thick thighs. I looked straight ahead and walked very quickly to get to my pool chair as soon as possible.\u201d \u201cWhat would you recommend to someone, who wants to change that feeling?\u201d I asked. She thought about it for a moment. \"Maybe \u2026try to relax a little while walking and look around at the other people and see that they are really minding their own business and not paying any attention to you. If you still feel insecure, you could also pretend that nobody\u2019s around.\u201d \u201cHow would that advice change how you feel about your body?\u201d I asked. \u201cI don\u2019t think that would change it. I mean, I\u2019d still hate it,\u201d she said. \u201cWhat would help?\u201d I asked. She laughed and said: \u201cI think if I could jump into a body make-over machine and come out with the body I want\u2026that would do the trick.\u201d \u201cWhat is stopping you from getting the body you want?\u201d I asked. \u201cI guess just laziness and procrastination. I always aim to start on a Monday. And if that doesn\u2019t work, I aim to start on the following Monday. There\u2019s always something coming up and I never start,\u201d she said. \u201cGive me an example of something that would come up,\u201d I said. \u201cWell\u2026It\u2019s not really something coming up. I guess I\u2019m somehow avoiding it or postponing it. I hate exercising and I love to binge-watch Netflix series. I also love food and drinks. Particularly sweet things, like desserts, and sugary cocktails, although I know they're"}, {"title": "", "text": "II, I also know people with mental illnesses who stopped taking prescribed meds to lose weight\u2014never a good idea. I had an epiphany when I was 25. One night, I saw scars on my neck from my thymectomy. The scars, my long hair chopped, and my bloated face were too much. I looked in the mirror and couldn\u2019t recognize myself. I sobbed, \u201cI\u2019m ugly now.\u201d My mom hugged me and said, \u201cNo you\u2019re not.\u201d Later I had dinner at my favorite French restaurant with my cousin Shelly. Unlike a lot of friends who told me back then, \u201cYou haven\u2019t changed at all\u201d but now say, \u201cYou look so great\u2014not like before,\u201d Shelly kept it real. She said, \u201cYou look different. But different isn\u2019t bad. It\u2019s just different.\u201d Something clicked. Since that night, I have never disliked my appearance. For three years, I took notes on how to dress and do makeup if you\u2019re chronically ill, which inspired me to start this blog. Avoid the propaganda\u2014Ladies, it\u2019s not necessary to watch The Victoria\u2019s Secret Fashion Show or read myopic fashion magazines. Realign your thinking\u2014A reader asked me how I deal with Prednisone-induced weight gain. I said, \u201cI don\u2019t weigh myself. My philosophy is: Try your best. Be happy. Eat right, exercise (if you can), and ignore the white noise.\u201d She said she\u2019d never thought of it like that before. Encourage each other\u2014Last year at an awards ceremony, during picture taking, a friend said, \u201cI feel so fat next to you.\u201d I didn\u2019t insult myself in response. Instead,"}, {"title": "", "text": "so much effort and time in to wishing that you had someone else\u2019s hair or bum, transfer it in to embracing and learning to love your own body for what it is. This will be slightly different for everyone but make sure to wear something that you feel the most confident and least self conscious in. Personally crop tops are a no go for me at this time \u2013 I like a cosy jumper, jeans and a comfy pair of trainers. Getting up and doing my hair and make up always makes me feel so much better too. But I have to admit that I pretty much live in my dressing gown and pyjamas when I\u2019m at home anyway, so for me they become even more of a go to at this time. This is a lot easier said than done, but concentrate your energy on doing something that you love and that will take your mind off of the negative thoughts. It might be watching your favourite film, yoga, scrap-booking, listening to your favourite music or podcast, meditating or taking a bath. I find that even just going to work helps to keep me distracted. It\u2019s so important to take some time for self care and do something that you enjoy. I also find that it helps to distract from any thoughts that creep in regarding food and exercise. I think we all need to realise that we are worth so much more than our outward appearance. Realistically your appearance or weight is not what"}, {"title": "", "text": "I have always thought there was something wrong with me. I have always thought that I needed to change, to fix my looks and behaviour, and that I have always thought I\u2019m not good enough. As a child, I would study my face in the mirror, and my facial expressions. I soon decided what expressions I would allow myself to show in public, and what expressions I would never allow my face to pull. I was also painfully aware of my hair being perfect, and never out of place, to the point that I would dissolve into a tantrum in the mornings if I couldn\u2019t get my hair smooth. As a teenager, my belief that there was something wrong with me turned into hatred for myself. I was angry at myself and at the world. I became self-destructive. I stopped eating, because I did not think I deserved to eat \u2013 my body was not doing what I wanted it to do, so I didn\u2019t deserve to reward it. I exercised like a crazy thing. I pushed myself physically and academically. But I also partied hard, seeking acceptance by my peers. As a young woman in my twenties, I ran away from my past. I severed most of my connections from my teens because I wanted to be a different person. I moved around the country, and yearned for change. I embraced every time I found a new job, and every time I moved house, because it was a fresh start. Finally, in my thirties, I"}, {"title": "", "text": "despair. All of the sudden I was body-checking again. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it is exactly what it sounds like.) I would walk up to the mirror sideways instead of face-first like a person would normally do. I would spend so much time looking for flaws, and I would find plenty of them. ED loves it when you hate yourself. After poking and prodding and turning and staring I would always walk away dissatisfied and disgusted. Eventually it got to the point that I hated my reflection so much that I stopped looking all together. I spent my days in my pajamas, not bothering to shower or get dressed because what was the point? It wasn't until my best friend verbally slapped me that I snapped out of it. She came by to visit one night shortly before she left for treatment. We were about to go outside so I took my sweater off and put on my coat. My head was down as I was putting on my boots when she said, \"What are you, not eating??\" I literally froze. I hadn't really truly realized how bad things were until she said those words. It was like everything came tumbling down all at once. All of the sudden I was able to see myself through everyone else's eyes and not my own ED goggles...and it wasn't a pretty sight. I needed to change things, and change them fast. It wasn't easy, and every bone in my body was screaming"}, {"title": "", "text": "to a 12 and I AM LOVING ME AGAIN!! Most importantly I have now learned to love myself regardless of how my outside may appear. Very well said! I totally agree, I had to fall back in love with ME! THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON I KNOW! So many ppl depend on me. The 1st thing I did was went and bought post it notes and placed them all over my house like the bathroom mirror saying \u201cgood morning beautiful\u201d or the fridge Saying \u201cJacinta THINK before u open me do I really want something out of here or AM I JUST BORED\u201d This actually helped and also take yourself on dates. I mean really get dressed up like u were going out with a man! And treat yourself like a queen you will begin to feel better which in turn will make u want to look and do better. I hope the advice helps you guys. NO MATTER WHAT U R BEAUTIFUL! I just read the last two comments and my heart goes out to you both. I lived where you both do and no it is not pleasant. I am still heavy and have my moments of sadness, but have made a decision to not allow it to overtake my life. I have been overweight since I was nine years old and have well over 200 lbs to lose. I know all too well the looks of disgust and horror that people give you and again have decided thats their problem. I have tried to"}, {"title": "", "text": "a projection of her own consciousness\" \u2014 how true! Just the day before I was weighed at the doctor's office and was feeling awful because of that. And the very next morning she made that comment..._ _I am feeling positive today, and will read your e-mail over and over, maybe I'll print out a copy to carry with me!_ There was nothing wrong with Shira wanting to achieve fitness and health, beauty and strength. The problem occurred when she criticized and condemned parts of herself for her perceived imperfections. There is nothing wrong with the two sides within Shira or within any of us. It is perfectly okay to desire health, beauty, and vitality. It is also okay to recognize your inherent beauty as it is now. Simply allow any apparent paradoxes or contradictions to be what they are, gently favoring that which affirms your intrinsic beauty, goodness, and value. ### Moving On The following chapters will give you the tools and techniques you need to learn how to accept yourself. From this place of pure acceptance and pure love, you can fulfill your dreams and desires. If you're not in a place yet to accept yourself, don't judge or critique that part of you that says \"I just want to be thin\" or \"If only I had the body that I had back then\" (or however your particular story line sounds). This entire book is about helping you change your story into one that will be more productive and beneficial. This new story will include"}, {"title": "", "text": "but it needs rest. I\u2019m annoyed and frustrated that I can\u2019t work out. That is not the Gordon of a few years ago. Equally in the past I\u2019d have reverted to my comfort eating habits but that doesn\u2019t seem to be happening this time. I\u2019m far more conscious of eating healthily whilst I recuperate, which is not something that would have happened in the past. Baby steps perhaps but it makes me believe that one day I won\u2019t see myself as just that fat guy in the mirror. One day I\u2019ll see myself without quite so many flaws. There is one final thing, one final realisation I\u2019ve had recently, that suggests that my own internal thinking may be changing, that I might be starting to feel more confident about my body, that I might be making my peace with it. It\u2019s something I know has helped me with other things in the past, helped me process them. I do a lot of it, but not all of it is shared here; the simple act of writing down your thoughts and confronting them is one thing, sharing those thoughts with others is quite another. So the fact I feel comfortable doing the latter means, hopefully, things are changing. Health Life Personal Musings"}, {"title": "", "text": "From the start of this year, I was confident and excited to see what I could accomplish each month. The first three months of this year have been nothing but turmoil and self-hate. My self-esteem plummeted ,and it feels like I'm in middle school again. I avoid mirrors and selfies. If I accidentally catch my reflection, I can't stop looking at myself. My face starts to burn and tears form in my eyes. I can't stop staring at the stranger in the mirror. I spend so many nights going from picture to picture, profile to profile, obsessively comparing everything about myself to others, from the number I see on the scale to how my teeth look. Every time I leave the house, the only thing on my mind is, \u201cI hope no one sees how hideous I look today.\" Whenever I'm at work I can only think about how gross I look to everyone. I cry myself to sleep because I cannot stand to live in this body I hate and the mind I ruined. I'm not good enough for myself. I've changed for sure, but not for the better."}, {"title": "", "text": "have quite a dramatic affect on my mental well being. How do you feel better about your appearance? When you go to the doctor's office, you can ask your doctor not to weigh you unless it's necessary for medical reasons. If you're always thinking negatively about how you look, you'll feel bad about how you look. My policy is if I notice myself picking myself apart in the mirror I just stop looking out of sight, out of mind. The media feeds you nonstop messages that breed discontentment. If you think yourself as ugly and fat etc etc, then you're going to get no where. Spiritual Power: Access this by meditation, prayer, solitude, yoga, etc. It may feel awkward at first, but with time being kind to yourself can help raise your sense of self worth. I was hoping to contribute something to your point 7, and that is if not Starbucks, why not try your local public library. If you're insecure about your body, you probably focus mostly on what you think is wrong with it. Nowadays, the consciousness about one's physical appearance starts in adolescence and even earlier in some cases. You will feel the difference physically, you'll feel healthier, you'll feel better, you will feel good. I have to admit, it feels really good to look in the mirror and see a healthy natural face. Then pouring yourself into it, editing and re-editing and making it your own. I have a playlist on Spotify that I call my Happy Mix. When you realize"}, {"title": "", "text": "When you look at yourself in the mirror, instead of thinking about how your body looks.. instead ask it how it feels. Are you stressed or anxious? Do you have physical pain? Is there a knot in your stomach? Are you feeling slow? Lethargic? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating well, are you surrounding yourself with positive people and situations. Are you happy, where you are? If not\u2026 how can you take steps towards becoming happy? Your mental health can really sneak up on you if you forget to care for your physical being. Something I\u2019m now learning and pushing through. Even if you can\u2019t bring yourself to exercise or eat perfectly, you can still drink plenty of water, maybe take a multivitamin each day and try not to eat too many naughty things! It won\u2019t cure anything, but it can sure help how you feel on the inside.. which can impact your mental health in the most positive way. Think about what your body needs to survive, and whether you are giving it exactly that, or if you\u2019re failing to\u2026 why?"}, {"title": "", "text": "better I liked myself. However, I still did not let myself look in the mirror often. I learned later, that just because I was changing physically did not mean that my mental state was going to change with it. Even though I had lost about 50 lbs at that point, I still was not \u2018thinking thin\u2019. I was still thinking in the same way I did as an overweight person. One day, as I was getting ready to go somewhere I was running around doing about 14 different things at the same time. I was in my bedroom wearing just my underwear and I caught my reflection in the mirror. I could not believe my eyes! I was completely overwhelmed and I started to cry. There was a new person looking back at me. This woman was the one I remembered from before... before I ever gained weight when I was happy with myself. She looked incredible... yet she is me! As time went on, I lost even more weight, but I did not lose the \u2018fat thinking\u2019. I still struggle with it at times. Granted, I love the new energy levels and the attention. I also rediscovered my love of shopping for new clothes and make-up. As time went on I began to realize that the biggest problems in my life were still there. My self-esteem started to plummet again, adding to the mix of problems from Bipolar Disorder. God has been helping me with these issues by reminding me, on several occasions, that I"}, {"title": "", "text": "said: Hair today, Gone tomorrow!!! Do you ever find yourself using comparisons to clarify \u201cyour present situation\u201d what ever it is. I compare, I justify, and then I decide. It is my version of the zen practice of \u201cI think therefore I am\u201d. And let\u2019s face it \u2014 that is just a load of Hooey! I could think I am a size 4, and even starve myself from now until next tuesday, and I still wouldn\u2019t be a size 4. Frankly I haven\u2019t seen a single digit dress size since\u2026Oh yeah that memory thing is kicking in again. I do use comparison\u2019s in every part of my life though. These days I do find myself comparing how different my days would be, if only I didn\u2019t have Cancer. I mean prior to my surgery, my days consisted of cooking, cleaning, shopping (for food that is) picking up or dropping off dry cleaning, chauffering my kids between sporting events, school, orthodontist, tutor, and dance; and thne coming home making dinner for my husband, serve, clean-up help the kids with homework, and then sit down and have a glass of wine. Now, after the surgery and during treatment, I ONLY HAVE TO do the cooking, cleaning, shopping (for food that is) picking up or dropping off dry cleaning, chauffering my kids between sporting events, school, orthodontist, tutor, and dance; and thne coming home making dinner for my husband, serve, clean-up help the kids with homework. THANK GOODNESS I DON\u2019T HAVE TO DRINK THE WINE ANYMORE! I also, unfairly,"}, {"title": "", "text": "together, I did what was natural to me, the same thing I always did in the past when my heart broke: radical amelioration. In times past, it was usually as easy as dying my hair or getting a new tattoo. I knew this time was going to be a lot different, and I knew it would not be as easy. So I looked within instead of making myself up and became rather shocked at what I was finding. I knew I had to completely raze my life as I knew it, as happy and familiar with it as I had been in the past. It clearly wasn't working out\u2014for me or for anyone else. I looked at myself long and hard and became sickened with what I saw looking back at me. Suddenly it was clear why you had looked at me with the same disdain. I was a wreck. A glutton. A caffeinated Oscar Wilde with little to no care for the future. I started with the basics. I decided to grow some balls and fully commit to fixing my body\u2014I had to live in it, and it was beginning to feel like a dirty skin in need of molting. I quit smoking. Completely. Never again would I ever be a slave to that horrible feeling of wanting something so badly that it kills you (metaphor much?). In doing so, I had more time than I knew what to do with on my hands. Sure, at first I panicked. I told myself I would go"}, {"title": "", "text": "I don\u2019t look different at all. I feel better, but nothing has changed as far as my body. Another mindset that I need to let go of. Just because I have done good things for a few weeks does not mean I\u2019m good to go and a changed woman! Past failures can be linked to this very mindset flaw. I\u2019m in this for the long haul, not for a short sprint. I am changing old habits and old belief systems. First and foremost, my goal is better health so I can live my remaining days on this earth active and able to fulfill God\u2019s calling on my life. I want to feel good each day as I get out of bed and have energy to attack the day! I want to be fit for the day when we have grandchildren! It is not going to happen overnight. It\u2019s a daily decision I make to love myself enough to make good choices and afford myself the time to take care of ME. My initial goal was February. I can do anything for 28 days. After that I was not sure what I would do, because deep down I thought that in those 28 days my life would be transformed and I would be \u201cnormal.\u201d I\u2019m still looking to the end of February to celebrate the initial goal I set, but I know that I like this and want to continue into the rest of my days! I\u2019ve now set another goal for my 52nd birthday and I"}, {"title": "", "text": "evil thoughts about myself or I start panicking about food or I see adverts that are trying to make me panic about my body or my age or my food. What I now have replaced self-hatred with is a burning fire of rage towards how many billions of dollars are made in profit from my self hatred. Is that something you ever think about? Because if it isn\u2019t anyone out there, I strongly suggest trying to make this replacement. Well, when you think about it, you just get so fucking angry about how many hours have been taken from your life, how many orgasms we missed, how much sex with the fucking lights on so we can see what we\u2019re doing and where we\u2019re going and what\u2019s happening. How much of that we have missed out, how many just hours of the day that we could have been spending, learning a new skill or a new language or sign language or something really helpful and amazing. And instead, we were just sitting there consumed with self-hatred. There are so many hours, so much money, so much just joy has been stolen from me by these things that now when they pop up in my psyche, either from me or from another source, I\u2019m just like, no, fuck you. So it\u2019s not that I\u2019m OK. I\u2019m not even Zen about it. I\u2019m like actively angry. And then I express my rage out loud, even by myself. I\u2019m just like, fuck you diet industry, 40 billion dollars just"}, {"title": "", "text": "nasty layering thing again\u2014anxiety on top of anxiety on top of anxiety. And the last thing women need is another source of stress! Whether the message is negative or positive, we stay preoccupied with how we look . . . or how we feel about how we look . . . or how we feel about how other people feel about how we look. It's an epidemic that has made us hyperaware of appearances. Sometimes I just want to scream, \"Enough!\" Have you ever felt like that? Can you relate? Well, here's your ticket off that hamster wheel: _I give you permission to hate your body_. That's right\u2014it's OK if you don't like the way you look. (Did you just exhale?) I know, I know\u2014I just insisted that you stop negative self-speak. But this is an area where we put way too much pressure on ourselves to be positive. Remember I said that negativity gets a bad rap. But don't get me wrong. I would never tell you that it's _good_ to feel _bad_ about yourself for a prolonged period of time, but I _am_ telling you that the road to loving your body is not paved with denial about your true feelings. I'm reinforcing that theme because it's so important. We've been taught that feeling bad about ourselves is abnormal. But if it's abnormal, there may not be a normal person on the planet! If you're anything like me, there are days when you just have to say, \"No, I can't love my cellulite today,"}, {"title": "", "text": "Home \u2039 Board index \u2039 Blogs \u2039 margharris's Blog \u2039 Body dysmorphia: Compulsion S##t. You absolutely have to want to stop to be able to stop. If you say you can\u2019t then you never will. The person with BDD is not seeing that their compulsion is part of an illness. Unless you know your thinking is wrong, you will not have the inner reserves to fight against what your brain tells you. The reality check is that we can all curse God for something wrong with our appearance. I can curse God that I was given freckles but there is no point to that perspective. I have to get on with life in the body I was born with. If I thought I had to fix it, where would I stop. I would merely find something else to think was not the best about my look. I think I would settle on my chin. And so it goes. I am not picture perfect. Woohoo! Do you really give a toss if I am not? You wouldn\u2019t be bothered to look twice at my arms or chin. But when it comes to your own look your brain sends you fear. What makes me different than a person with BDD is not appearance but the level of worry triggered by the amygdala. My amygdala is not connected to give me an emotional response to the look of my freckles. They are just freckles and nothing more. I don\u2019t link the look of them to any story of disgust."}, {"title": "", "text": "I can remember the first time I became aware of my appearance. I was in 4th grade, and I was headed to the movies with my best friend. I had been trying to get the perfect high wave with my bangs, and it was not working out the way I wanted. I had failed. I had created an expectation that was not met, and suddenly I felt ugly and worthless. Dramatic yes, but at the time I could not be convinced otherwise. I started to cry, and my distorted view of myself only got more intense. Compare and despair. Some days I feel amazing -- a true confidence fills me up with joy. Then something goes wrong, and I lose it all in a matter of seconds. A perfect example is a pimple. They are the death of me. I can go from feeling bright and beautiful, to feeling like a monster. Then, in my attempt to force the imperfection to disappear as fast as possible, I make it worse, and prolong the healing process. It consumes me. Find compassion for the people around you. Even the people you resent. It is reassuring to know that we all have struggles. Help others - volunteer at your local community center or shelter. Getting outside of yourself through working with others guarantees the immediate relief of self-obsession. Practice Self Care. (Eat well, exercise, and find a spiritual practice). This is how we build internal self confidence. Our skin loves to be hydrated. It loves seaweed, all greens, and"}, {"title": "", "text": "your life NOW and not 20 pounds from now. When you don\u2019t accept how your body is at this very moment, you deny what\u2019s true. Hoping, wishing, praying and striving to look like someone else is a waste of who you are as human being and this precious life you\u2019ve been given. 2. You\u2019ll be much happier. 3. Life just gets easier. Frolicking on the the beach actually becomes a pleasant experience and not a crisis that you stress about 3 weeks in advance. Your body may not be perfect, but I want you to know you\u2019re worthy, lovable and deserving of being seen. Okay, how in the world do you get on the path to body acceptance? Acknowledge that constant rejection of yourself is not working and commit to doing something different. Your thoughts lead to your beliefs, which create your reality. One easy way to think differently about your body is to go on a media diet. That means letting go of all the magazines, books, and social media pages that reinforce the belief that something is wrong with you. Self-loathing and negative talk are bad habits you\u2019ve perfected over time, so they just come naturally. Acknowledge the amazing things your body does for you every day, like keeping you alive. It may seem difficult and uncomfortable at first, but the only way to learn a new skill is to do it. Here\u2019s the bottom line: if you want to spend the rest of your life in a hate-filled war with the place you"}, {"title": "", "text": "stare at himself for hours. He would think to himself, \"My antlers are so beautiful but my legs are so thin and scrawny that they are ugly indeed.\" His habit of preening by the lake was noted by a hunter who decided to kill him for his beautiful antlers. One day when the stag was by the lake the hunter took a shot, but missed. The startled stag ran for his life as hard as his scrawny but fast legs could carry him. he outran the hunter to safety and thought to himself, \"What I thought was my best feature nearly got me killed and what I felt was my most ugly feature saved my life!\" So it is in real life with us. I'd be happier if my hair was longer, waist was thinner, hips were not so broad...what's your wish? It is an extremely human reaction to see an attractive person and feel resentful that you do not command the same attention they do in a room full of people. The more you stress over the alleged imperfections of your body the less you are helping yourself. The desire to look better stems from forgetting a crucial fact - You are already perfect. You may not think so today when you look in the mirror and can point out half a dozen flaws. However if you look longer you will see the person beyond the superficial flaws. The person who has an inner beauty that you have never celebrated. Giving in to the illusion"}, {"title": "", "text": "I woke up this Sunday morning with a pit in my stomach. Bleary eyed, groggy, and frankly, just disappointed in myself. Not for anything you\u2019re thinking right now. Come onnnn people, get your minds out of the gutter. \ud83d\ude42 You already know I\u2019m saving myself until marriage. But I was angry with myself for a different reason: I didn\u2019t treat myself with love and respect the night before. I give a lot of lip service to those two, seemingly \u201cokay-okay, enough already\u201c-esq words. We think\u2026it\u2019s something that you would tell a teenage girl, going through puberty with acne and a retainer. Or, we think about someone looking in the mirror, unhappy with their appearance, pondering the Dove commercials. \u201cLove yourself.\u201d And, yes, those are two things that \u201cloving yourself\u201d encompasses. However, when I talk about loving yourself, I\u2019m talking about waaaaay more than just a mirror. During the depths of my anorexia, self love was non-existant. The very essence of the disease seeks to destroy oneself. Whether you\u2019re conscious of it or not, you\u2019re slowing killing yourself. Blunt. But true. There is no \u201cself love\u201d there. In fact, the exact opposite. So, the biggest aspect of my recovery has been to learn how to reverse that mindset \u2013 which had been engrained in my head, conditioned as the norm, and was my \u201cautopilot\u201d \u2014 and learn to love myself. And what I\u2019ve learned is that this extends far beyond a mirror. This past weekend, I experienced, firsthand, yet another area that is influenced by loving yourself:"}, {"title": "", "text": "My life has been one big hate-fest of my body. I don\u2019t know when or how it developed, but I have been comparing my body to others\u2019 for as long as I can remember. I was never happy, never good enough. There was always work to be done, goals to achieve. Not only was I constantly on the latest diet that most likely was extremely bad for me, but I was also mentally beating myself up every step of the way. The negativity didn\u2019t stop there. I hated others too. Women with \u201cperfect\u201d bodies were a major source of jealousy and envy for me. The few times that I achieved some sort of ideal, I found myself uncomfortable with my appearance. I projected my hatred and jealousy of others onto myself, and just kept falling down the negativity rabbit hole. Achievements felt shallow, undeserved, and were always short-lived and followed by a period of self-sabotage. Finally, after a difficult divorce, left as a single mother raising three young children alone, some sort of light bulb went off in my head. No one else was going to take care of me. I was sick of the misery and mental anguish. I realized more than ever that I needed to take care of myself so that I could have the energy to get through my demanding life. Something had to give, and what I was doing was not working. I began by simply realizing that I didn\u2019t feel good physically with the way that I was eating. I"}, {"title": "", "text": "to stop the negative thoughts before they happened. I was shifting my perspective and with it the way I saw myself when I looked into the mirror. I was learning to love my body again. I was learning to stand up for myself again. Just like hating my body took time, learning to love my body is taking time too. I struggle every day to extend the same basic compassion I would extend to a friend to myself, but it\u2019s a battle I\u2019m determined to win and it\u2019s one that will make me better for the fighting. I\u2019m coming to realize that my body is a tool and a teammate; not an enemy. Slowly, I\u2019m coming to realize that this flesh I wear is powerful gift and that by beating it up I am only diminishing a much needed light in an already dark world. Will I come to absolute self-acceptance tomorrow? No. Will Brenda be silenced once and for all next week? Probably not. I\u2019m pushing forward, though, and that\u2019s what counts. You didn\u2019t think I was just going to leave you hanging there, did you? Learning to love your body is all great in theory, but what about practice? Well, I\u2019m not a scientist (nor have I ever played one on TV) but I know from experience that there are some pretty solid ways to go about changing the way you view yourself and your body. Take these steps to give yourself a push in the right direction. 1. Drop the blame game. Our"}, {"title": "", "text": "my changing body has been more difficult to achieve than losing the actual weight. As time goes on, I\u2019m putting an increasing amount of effort into changing the way I think about my body, and trying to respect it more. It\u2019s not an easy thing to do, and takes work to start changing the way I think about myself, to be kind to myself, not negative. I taped a picture of myself at my heaviest to my bathroom mirror, that way I can look at my reflection and see how different I am than I was. When I wake in the morning, the first thing I do is scoot to the edge of the bed and stretch, reaching up and over my body side to side, and reach all the way down to my toes. I couldn\u2019t do these things before, not at 500 pounds. I know what my body can do today, because the sum of all those little, unnoticeable transformations have enabled me to be able to live as freely as I do today. I look forward to all the new things I\u2019ll be able to do as more weight disappears and I get even closer to my happy weight. No matter what, every single day that arrives is an opportunity for me to improve myself, enjoy life, and appreciate how far I\u2019ve come."}, {"title": "", "text": "the gym about 4 x and I did like it - I think I self defeat my thoughts by being so down on my current body - I can't seem to accept the fact that I have let myself go so much and when I do go to the gym - I don't have instant results so I quit. How do I change this mindset? I am beating myself up and not getting anywhere - How do I tell myself to keep at it and not be discouraged when I don't have instant results? I have to stop this but I don't know what to do to teach myself to take it slow and steady and not give up. After a few days I say \"heck with it - just eat the sweet\" or I say \"you just bought that new dress and if fits you fine and hides your figure - so don't worry about it!! How do I keep telling myself that I am not in a healthy state and the only way to get healthy is to makee these changs? I know it in my head but can't get it to my heart!! I am my own worst enemy. I feel like a big baby complaining and I get confused with 'accepting yourself' and 'changing your self' - How do I value myself as a person and yet give myself the okay to make good choices for my health. I feel like I either like and accept myself just as I am and"}, {"title": "", "text": "but at the mental. the inessentials that i need to look at eliminating are more ephemeral than shoes or surplus tins of soup. the negative self-talk, for instance; that\u2019s a big one. i have no idea whether i\u2019m wired to trash-talk myself or if it\u2019s a skill i learned from years of mental health struggles but in the end, it doesn\u2019t matter. i live with it now and it\u2019s a problem. the negative comments start the moment i regain consciousness in the morning. that little voice that negatively narrates everything i do doesn\u2019t even wait for me to leave the bed. it doesn\u2019t stick to a specific area either; it\u2019s not solely about hating my body though that\u2019s a theme that comes up quite often. i wake and the first thing that happens is my brain tells me that it can feel flesh. it revisits everything i ate the previous day, passing judgement on the food i chose to consume. it points out the lack of physical perfection, causing me to feel for bones in my hips and torso. once it establishes that i\u2019m a failure physically, it moves on into other areas. your house is a disaster. it\u2019s pathetic. you don\u2019t work; your house should at least be perfect. you should\u2019ve done more yard work yesterday. three hours is pathetic. what must the neighbours think of you and your home? it\u2019s not perfect. it\u2019s awful. i know people tell you they like your garden but you\u2019ve seen it; it\u2019s messy and cluttered. \u201cenglish garden\u201d. what"}, {"title": "", "text": "to hate your body. You're stuck with it and to me, it was a painful reminder of every failure and imperfection in my life. Sad isn't it? Soul destroyingly sad. That's why I had to change. You only have one body. It does so many wonderful things. It doesn't deserve to be hated. Sorry to break it to you, but you are indeed stuck with it! (Unless you can afford to go through surgery of course.) So you might as well save your energy, money and accept it. My body has been through a lot. Hatred, starvation, pain and over indulgence. It has changed a lot, I've seen it change shapes and weight but finally I have come to a point where I'm happy with it. It may not be toned and yes I have a few wobbly bits, but they're mine and I loved that chocolate oreo cheesecake. Yet I walk into a room with confidence, the girl who would find a corner to hide in is long gone as I now \"work the room\", as they say. From years of wanting the small frail frame, I now shiver at the thought. I have a strong frame of a 21 year old woman. I want to travel, work hard and enjoy every aspect that life has to offer. I refuse to let any negative thoughts about myself cloud my mind and diminish my opportunity to enjoy the life I can live. That is why I am not afraid to love my body and show it."}, {"title": "", "text": "one day I will be able to say that it is totally over\u2026but not yet. But I DID wake up with a different attitude. I woke up and the first thing I thought WASN\u2019T \u201chow can I skip meals today?\u201d. I looked in the mirror and my head wasn\u2019t filled with thoughts of hatred. I can\u2019t even remember the last time that happened. I know this battle isn\u2019t over yet; I know it\u2019s not going to end overnight. I know I\u2019m probably going to struggle with this for a while, if not the rest of my life. But my point is that right now, in this moment, I have something that I haven\u2019t had in a long, long time: \u2026I have hope. I can see God working. I can see Him changing my heart. And I am BEYOND excited about it. I\u2019m starting to love myself for who I am. I\u2019m starting to truly, honestly believe that I was made for a purpose, and that I was made the exact way God needed me to be made. I\u2019m giving Him control of this \u2014 and He is taking it away. But it\u2019s not bad like I thought it would be; I\u2019m ready for it now. My heart is so incredibly happy for the first time in a long time. I feel free. I feel hopeful. And I can\u2019t even begin to tell you how great it is."}, {"title": "", "text": "reduce my drug intake. But at some point, I replaced them with excessive exercising. If I didn\u2019t work out for at least several hours a day, my mind would be filled with thoughts that fed my self-loathe and by evening I\u2019d be exhausted from running those thoughts over and over\u2026 and it would take many days of \u201cbeing good\u201d to regain a sense of being in control. Since my body was an encasement of my rotten self, I saw a lot of flaws and defects in my body that probably didn\u2019t exist or were blown out of proportion. Looking back, I must have felt that if I could only make my body perfect, I would change the way I felt about myself. But no amount of change to my physical body would have been enough because the point of perfection did not exist. It was an illusion created out of my not-enoughness and therefore, it would forever be something out of reach as long as I had not reconciled with myself. The imperfections I perceived in my body were merely a reflection of my unhealed inner self. When I read The Broken Mirror, a book by Katharine A. Phillips about body dismorphic disorder (sometimes described as \u201cthe disease of imagined ugliness\u201d), I recognised my own traits in obsessing about the ugliness of my body. The only difference is that whilst a BDD sufferer obsesses over a single body part, I was obsessing over almost every part of my body. That revelation shocked me and I think"}, {"title": "", "text": "with myself. I\u2019d lay around after dinner because I had absolutely zero energy to do anything else, only to go to bed and promise myself that I would start my diet again tomorrow. Same thing day-after-day-after-month-after-year, all of my mental energy was spent thinking about my weight. I had no energy and no wish to concentrate on anything else. My weight was my focus. It was the reason I couldn\u2019t do anything else, whether I wanted to or not. I couldn\u2019t do what I really wanted to do unless, and until, I was thin. And that wasn\u2019t happening, so I had a reason to not strive for anything better. Heck, I didn\u2019t even know what else I wanted! I didn\u2019t allow myself to think that deep. Don\u2019t get me wrong \u2013 on the outside my life wasn\u2019t horrible. I was (and am) married to a good man, have a child, a home, a job with great responsibility \u2013 but I hated myself for what I was doing to myself. I was digging my grave with my fork, to quote the great Porter Freeman. I now realize that part of the reason I kept the weight on \u2013 and it was my choice, I can see that now in hindsight \u2013 was because if I didn\u2019t have the weight to focus on, I would have to focus on the other areas of my life that needed work, and that I just wasn\u2019t willing, or able at that point, to undertake that work. I would not have the"}, {"title": "", "text": "(\u201cI hate my legs,\u201d Health, Dec. 19). I know it\u2019s not wise to self-diagnose, but as I read the list of symptoms, including an addiction to plastic surgery and, in extreme cases, self-mutilation, it was evident that this story was talking about people like me. I have lost hours of my life staring into a mirror repulsed by my reflection and wishing that all of my flaws would just disappear. I am 32 and have struggled with this feeling of self-loathing since early childhood. When I look at other people, I find them either beautiful or at least pleasant to look at. When I see my own reflection, I become very upset and desperately try to find an aspect of my physical appearance that I can be happy with. I have yet to discover even one. What motivated me to write to you is the fact that knowing is half the battle. Your article was precise and informative, and I feel certain that I\u2019m finally on the right track to getting not only some insight, but potentially some help. Heather Caldwell, Toronto \u2018First and foremost a Jew\u2019 JAN 16th 2006 2006 By BARBARA AMIEL JAN 16th 2006 2006 EMPLOYEE Of THE WEEK CLASS REVOLUTION JAN 16th 2006 2006 By KEN MACQUEEN, PAUL WELLS THE ISSUE IN... A complex nose with subtle hints of poo JAN 16th 2006 2006 By CAROLYN HAMMOND"}, {"title": "", "text": "(\u201cI hate my legs,\u201d Health, Dec. 19). I know it\u2019s not wise to self-diagnose, but as I read the list of symptoms, including an addiction to plastic surgery and, in extreme cases, self-mutilation, it was evident that this story was talking about people like me. I have lost hours of my life staring into a mirror repulsed by my reflection and wishing that all of my flaws would just disappear. I am 32 and have struggled with this feeling of self-loathing since early childhood. When I look at other people, I find them either beautiful or at least pleasant to look at. When I see my own reflection, I become very upset and desperately try to find an aspect of my physical appearance that I can be happy with. I have yet to discover even one. What motivated me to write to you is the fact that knowing is half the battle. Your article was precise and informative, and I feel certain that I\u2019m finally on the right track to getting not only some insight, but potentially some help. Heather Caldwell, Toronto \u2018First and foremost a Jew\u2019 JAN 16th 2006 2006 By BARBARA AMIEL JAN 16th 2006 2006 EMPLOYEE Of THE WEEK CLASS REVOLUTION JAN 16th 2006 2006 By KEN MACQUEEN, PAUL WELLS THE ISSUE IN... A complex nose with subtle hints of poo JAN 16th 2006 2006 By CAROLYN HAMMOND"}, {"title": "", "text": "of the TVs. I feel like those fairweather fitness buffs as I make a list of ways I want to change in the new year. There\u2019s just no way that I can live up to what I know I should be doing. The self-loathing is not limited to my behavior. The New Year also offers a plethora of opportunities for me to hate my body. Two days of Rosh Hashanah mean two days of dressing up in uncomfortable clothes to sit in a room full of people who are almost all significantly more attractive than me. I try to focus on the contents of the mahzor, but it\u2019s almost impossible not to notice all of the pencil skirts and kitty heels and various dresses in size 6 that are gracing every row of the service. When I was a teenager everyone was always saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you, and as an adult I would just like to call bullshit. I have a boyfriend who is madly in love with me, despite my High Holiday fueled season of self-disgust. But I catch myself feeling smug about having an awesome boyfriend, and then I hate myself for the smugness. All of this feels like a trap. Descartes said the unexamined life is not worth living, but examining my life sure makes me want to fake my own death and run off to Aruba. Sadly, I\u2019m pretty confident that would not put an end to any of this, and next year"}, {"title": "", "text": "want to be a two-faced lying sonofabitch to yourself and build self-respect that way, huh? Stick with the plan, otherwise one day you\u2019ll end up in emergency and it\u2019ll be too late to help yourself. And don\u2019t be such a hypocrite: always going on about helping others to help themselves and being there for your friends and family and how important it all is, but you can\u2019t even remain committed to helping your own self. Who the fcuk are you to advise others when you can\u2019t swallow your own healthy advice?! As I result, I stuck to a healthy diet, physical exercise plan and routine and kept to it \u201creligiously\u201d as they say (a funny term, I think, considering \u201creligiously\u201d means nothing like such a meaning!). In three months I lost three stone, no stretch marks, no consequences, and I achieved an \u2018ideal weight\u2019. (Erm \u2013 it didn\u2019t stop my face from looking like a slapped arse, but that\u2019s nature and the weather conditions for you \u2013 ahem.) CONCLUSION: If, in 2012, you want to achieve any sort of real change in your life, be FASCISTIC. Yes! Be truly intolerant of you making excuses, backsliding, saying you can\u2019t because of this/that or the other (there\u2019s always \u2018the other\u2019, eh? I know!). You can\u2019t say, \u201cnever mind tonight, I\u2019m going out with friends and so won\u2019t have the energy to do it tomorrow, according to my schedule. I\u2019ll just postpone it to another day/time\u201d. If you\u2019re going to commit to a particular aspect of yourself changing, then"}, {"title": "", "text": "reading. The second thing I have come to be certain about is that, for most of us, how we see and feel about our bodies, is usually a long way away from the reality of the situation. We humans are complicated creatures. We have all sorts of biochemistry and hormones, which not only impact how our body behaves, but also effect how we feel about it. Some days we wake up feeling that we look great. Other days, for no apparent reason, we will wake up feeling fat, sluggish and generally like a whale-blob! I have even had times where I have experienced both in the same day! There are two reasons why I think this happens. Firstly, we simply don\u2019t see ourselves how we really are. I honestly believe we all suffer from a degree of body dis-morphia. We all have certain delusions about ourselves, be they positive or negative. Some people think they look fat, when they are perfectly slim. Some others think they should win the X Factor, when in fact, they are completely tone deaf! I don\u2019t really know what the answer to this is. The only advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. Stop negative self talk COMPLETELY. Life is hard enough, without being your own worst enemy. The other reason why I think the body and brain have a disconnect, is simply because the brain takes longer to realise that change has happened. When I was putting my weight on, I was in complete denial. Of course,"}, {"title": "", "text": "yesterday's thinking; as your thoughts change today, your body will be different tomorrow. Don't wait till she materializes before you relate to your truest self. Relate to her now. Inhabit her now. Write to her now. Go to your journal pages and write a letter to Thin You, just as in Lesson 2 you wrote to Not-Thin You. Tell her what you think of her, and if necessary, why you've been scared of her. Then allow her to write back to you. Allow her to tell you what _she_ needs, in order to come forth. An example might be: _Dear Thin Me,_ _Well, I haven't seen you in so long that I don't even know for sure if you exist. I mean, I guess you exist as a possibility\u2014if that's really an existence. But you're not the body I see when I wake up each day, I know that for sure. And I think my life might be better if I didn't even hope to ever see you. I don't know whether I should hate you or love you, but I know in my heart that I wish I was you. I really do._ _For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry that I make it so hard for you._ _I understand that I've made it hard for you to appear, and that I have done more to hurt you than you have done to hurt me. I wish I knew how to be thin and stay thin, but I have had a serious problem with my weight,"}, {"title": "", "text": "of your life, it can be second nature for your brain to project it on your body. For example, when I find myself thinking negatively about my body, 9 times out of 10 I can trace it back to something else in my life I\u2019m unhappy with\u2026or stressed, anxious, or feel out of control with. By shining the light on this deeper cause, we\u2019re able to separate it from our body and address the real issue. By weighing ourselves each morning, it\u2019s common to get SO caught up in the number on the scale and let it subconsciously fuel that shame voice in the back of our head, I call it your inner mean girl. She takes that number and tells us things like we\u2019re fat or not worthy. Ultimately it\u2019s that number on the scale that dictates our thoughts and how we feel about ourselves. It is in no way a reflection of us as a person or our health. The fix here is easy ladies \u2013 ditch the scale! Start your day with something positive and upliving like a gratitude practice. After scrolling on social media, have you ever felt envious, fat, weak, unluckly, jealous, angry, frustrated, or sad? Comparing your life to someone else\u2019s likely staged and photoshopped highlight reel is another recipe for unhappiness. Change your environment to match your goals. Destroy, get rid of, de-friend, unfollow anything or anyone that gives you the slightest pang of insecurity or makes you feel you need to change your body\u2019s appearance to be as"}, {"title": "", "text": "can look down when I'm sitting on the edge of my bed or standing up in the shower and not see my gut covering my d---. I feel better about trying on clothes when I go to a store to look for new clothes. My pants fit me better. I have more energy when I get home to play with my daughter and to help my wife around the house with chores/work that needs to get done. So yea, that's about it. I don't look down on anyone who was in the position I was in a year ago. If I (someone who was in pretty peak physical condition all throughout high school and most of college) can get there, anyone can get there. Just know though, any day can be the day you decide to make changes to turn it around. It took me 5 years to wreck my body and end up where I was last November... it didn't happen overnight. Feeling better about myself didn't happen overnight either, it took months of hard work, but it was possible. Anyways, I'll stop before I get too sappy. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. darcebandit, C-Me-No-More and aX like this. Thanks for Inspiring me OSU. I use to just order clothes off the internet, I know the feeling too. Hi I'm a new in this forum I've seen the expand a lung and it looks as a great option. Has anybody tried it before and what is the best option in"}, {"title": "", "text": "Do you feel disappointed or unhappy with your body? Do you hate how it looks (or parts of it)? Does your inner mean girl speak up on a regular basis, filling your mind with negative, body shaming thoughts? I did too. I would look at my body in the mirror, and instantly feel deflated. I would eat all the \u2018right\u2019 things, exercise hours a day, took diet pills\u2026I even got down to my \u201cideal weight\u201d\u2026but nothing changed how I felt about my body or myself. Ultimately I realized it didn\u2019t end up working because I wasn\u2019t focused on the right thing: the root cause. I tried to fix my unhappiness with my body the way most people do: by focusing on fixing the symptom = what my body looked like. But at the end of the day, it\u2019s never really about our body. By identifying and going after the root cause, you can start to make a shift. That shift will spark changes in your mind, body, and habits you might not have thought were possible! Disappointment or hate toward your body can stem from comparing yourself to something externally, or some standard you have set for yourself. If you don\u2019t match up to whatever it is you think you should or wish you did look like, it breeds negative feelings which triggers unproductive actions. It stems from a learned mindset, a learned \u2018standard,\u2019 and it\u2019s likely having more of a negative impact on your health, body, happiness, and choices than you realize. I mean if"}, {"title": "", "text": "you feel better about your body in the long run. These realistic goals can include things like \"eating three pieces of fruit\", \"stretching before breakfast\" and \"saying something kind to the mirror\". It's very important to round up what your body can do right now - hold you up, get you out for a walk - and carry that with pride and enjoyment. Once you've assimilated what your body can do for you, it is time for you to become your own best friend. Sure, self-deprecation can even be funny to an extent, but those kind of messages eventually settle in. Just like Mindy learns in The Mindy Project, you shouldn't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a friend. Be kind and forgiving with yourself. Consider leaving supportive messages to your future self in little notes or scheduled phone messages; you'll forget about them until they brighten up your morning! If you don't achieve a goal or target, that's fine. Nobody else is holding to the high standards you have for yourself. We often feel pulled in by the mirror; we stand in front of it and point out everything wrong about us. Have you realized that we tend to do that by parts? We don't look at our reflection and say \"it's all terrible\"; we say \"my elbows are terrible, my nose is awful, I hate my arms\". It's important to see the body as a whole, with flaws, virtues, good and bad sides. Your body includes your mind - try not"}, {"title": "", "text": "I don\u2019t judge my friend's bodies, so why am I so harsh and a little self-absorbed about my own? The conversation with my boyfriend goes way differently. Because unlike my friends, the poor soul has dealt with the brunt of my self-loathing for years. ME: I feel so fat. Damn, he\u2019s good. See, he long ago gave up on feeding my personal fat-shaming. Because that\u2019s exactly what it is. And if I really want to do something about it I can \u2013 but that\u2019s entirely up to me. A life of boiled chicken, kale and twice-a-day workouts will always be there. My problem is entirely mental (no surprises there), but it\u2019s my outlet that\u2019s wrong and exacerbates the problem. Grabbing angrily at my love handles isn\u2019t going to make them shrink, crying over an outfit that doesn\u2019t look right will just make me late and if I keep telling the person I\u2019m sleeping with how fat I think I am, he\u2019ll get fed up pretty quick. The key to quieting my hate lies in an alternative outlet. Some find theirs by spreading \u2018body positivity\u2019 like confetti, with tummy roll Instagram posts and a \u2018who cares?\u2019 attitude. Others start a fitness challenge, documenting every up and down of their journey. Some eat kale (yuck). FRIEND: How are you today? ME: Well, I didn\u2019t exactly feel happy in my jeans today so I was thinking we could go for a walk instead of coffee? FRIEND: Yes, of course! I\u2019ve been feeling dead lazy lately too. NARRATOR: So they"}, {"title": "", "text": "I think that it is very important to be kind to yourself while you are on a journey of change. I\u2019ve struggled in the past with being unhappy with my physical appearance and weight and yearning for my \u201cold body\u201d. I\u2019m realizing now that I haven\u2019t been nice to myself. I\u2019ve been tough on myself- I\u2019ve even been mean to myself. Once I gained weight, I stopped investing in my appearance. I stopped being as social; I stop being present within my body and I constantly wished I were in a different body. I started to deny that I was myself. I would avoid looking at myself because I didn\u2019t feel like my body expressed my true self. As I sit here now, I can look back and understand why I struggled with everything. Not only were my hormones unbalanced, I was unbalanced at my core. I know that when you seek change whether it is losing weight, growing your hair, or regulating your period; you are doing so because you are unhappy with where you are but this doesn\u2019t mean you have to treat yourself bad for being there. The more I\u2019ve fought myself, the more difficult it has been for me to invest in myself enough for the change to be healthy and long term. You have to love yourself, invest in yourself, and be kind to yourself every step of the way. I\u2019ve made the decision that I will not weigh myself anymore for the next year. I am on a journey not"}, {"title": "", "text": "as you are? Immediately stop the negative self-talk! Don't comment, even to family, friends, or coworkers about this characteristic you dislike about yourself. Each time you say things like this your brain, your soul, hears that it is in insignificant in some way, that you are less than worthy. It effects your feelings of self-worth and distorts your image of self. For me, I found the foremost thing that helped was shutting down this negative commentary. I realized I am loved, that I am beautiful no matter what form or shape I'm currently in. I don't see myself as overweight or fat (what a horrible word!). I see myself as beautiful. It's even easier to see the transformation as I look back--how I went from feeling the extra weight--to just 'being', loving and accepting of myself. I used to make comments about 'oh when I was lighter', or 'when I was in better shape,' and I know there are a bunch I am forgetting. If you're going through trying to lose weight, you can empathize with the feelings of 'when I lose weight.' This thinking tells you that you don't deserve happiness 'until.' No, you deserve happiness now!"}, {"title": "", "text": "you kept seeing yourself in a negative light and finding the flaws until you started believing every thought. Turn that process around and start finding the positive. Or the park, a dance class, a yoga class, or an exercise class. Physical activity is a great way to learn to love your body. Trying new exercises or taking on a physical challenge helps you get to know your body in a whole new way. You will discover new abilities, new strengths, and new power, just by moving your body. When you see yourself, you will also start to see just what you are capable of, instead of what you look like. It can always be worse. Be grateful that you are healthy and that you have the resources or mental clarity to pursue something different. Even if you have a chronic disease be thankful for what you have, what you can do, and how far you can go. When you look in the mirror, don\u2019t focus on the flaws. Find the things you love about your body, and celebrate the smallest victories. Be your own cheerleader instead of your worst enemy. Before you can move forward in life, whether it is in a relationship, a job, or a new endeavor, success will only come after you learn to love and appreciate yourself. If you would like to learn more about how I can help you improve your health and wellbeing just click here to schedule a \u201cPathway to Wellbeing JumpStart\u201d call."}, {"title": "", "text": "it was starting to look a little\u2026.hmmmm\u2026..I can\u2019t think of the right word\u2026.. maybe deflated? Normally, probably as recently as a month or two ago, that probably would have discouraged me and completely freaked me out. I probably would\u2019ve told myself If I\u2019m going to look gross and deflated and saggy I might as will just stay fat. But, realistically, I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to look like when this is all over with; my body is literally changing every day. I\u2019ve had to get very comfortable with it changing and very comfortable with not associating my identity with my body because I don\u2019t know what it\u2019s going to look like from day today. Even being huge and more than 100 pounds overweight, when you get up in the morning you may not like what you see, but at least you pretty much know what to expect. It\u2019s kind of weird to wake up and wonder who am I going to see in the mirror today? Whose body is this? When I washed my face this morning, I felt a little less fullness and my chin. That was weird, even my face feels different in my own hands. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m definitely not complaining, I feel great! I\u2019ve worked very hard and wanted these changes for a long time. It\u2019s just an adjustment. For so long I allowed my body and my weight to define me as a person and it\u2019s just a gradual learning process to allow myself to be comfortable with"}, {"title": "", "text": "more to life than what I see when I look at myself. Obviously, one of the hardest things is food. I immerse myself slowly into the \u2018food world\u2019 by eating out etc. and not worrying about what I\u2019m eating. I still try and be healthy, and when I don\u2019t I panic, the point is, I try which is what I keep reminding myself and one day I\u2019ll get there. Despite trying to keep these things balanced, I have step backs like everyone does; but remind myself that I should air my thoughts out to someone, so they\u2019re not in my head anymore. Speaking about how you feel, doesn\u2019t make you weaker, it makes you stronger. One day I\u2019ll accept I am who I am, and I am no less and no better than anyone else, simply because of what I see in the mirror. So, after that, I ask you to ask yourself, what makes you, you? What things do you do that make you who you are? What drives you? What inspires you? What makes you happy? Acknowledge, and THAT is the real reflection of yourself; love yourself for who you are. Think about it, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, what does the mirror REALLY show you? Before I start, I just wanna say thank you everyone for all your messages, comments, calls everything. I was so nervous to post my first story especially because it\u2019s probably the closest thing I keep to me but, after some messages my best friend sent me,"}, {"title": "", "text": "I wasn't too sure if I should write this post. I'm not 'fixed' or 'cured' and I certainly don't 'love myself'. In fact, I'm 98% uncomfortable with what I look like most of the time. The thing is though, I don't dislike myself. I don't not like my personality, I don't not like my job and I don't not like myself ALL of the time. There are little moments where I can really appreciate myself as a person. I can look in the mirror and say 'Hey, I don't look half bad today' or I can think 'Haha, that was funny Hol' and that's what this post is going to talk about, I guess. I've spent so much of my life hating who I am. I've hated myself so much that I told myself I didn't deserve to exist anymore. I won't lie, I even have that thought every now and again now... but it's how I deal with it that has changed. In the past, I've isolated myself, I've tortured myself and I've let my thoughts tear me down. I've analysed every little thing that I've done or said, and I've basically channeled my brain to never let me like who I am. If you suffer from a mental illness yourself, you'll probably understand this but, it's almost as if there's nothing that could ever make me truly love who i am, 100%. It's almost like no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to have those days where I miss the way I"}, {"title": "", "text": "shower, scrub my face and skin, wash my hair and throw my rancid clothes into the hamper. I apply thick contouring makeup on my cheeks and under my chin to minimize the bloat. I put one of the long, shapeless dresses that now hang in my closet and then put a long shapeless vest over that. The good feelings that start to rise from just being washed and in clean clothes vanish once I look into the mirror. My herculean attempts to camouflage Friday\u2019s binge have failed: My face is puffy and pale, my body heavy and soft. I now have a sad look in my eyes and I look significantly older than I did this time last year before I started binging and smoking again. But I push down the demoralizing humiliation and take a deep breath. My disease may have stolen Saturday, but it\u2019s not going to steal Sunday. I\u2019m going to show up to my life today and give my program my very best effort. It\u2019s what I do. Next Post Next post: The Journey Begins."}, {"title": "", "text": "\u2013 and very difficult to process. I mentioned to Bryan last week that I\u2019m struggling to be able to forgive myself for having fertility problems, and he looked at me as if I\u2019d suddenly grown an extra head. \u201cForgive yourself for what? You didn\u2019t do anything!\u201d Which is exactly why I deserve to be forgiven, and exactly why it\u2019s so hard to do it. When you\u2019re an adolescent girl it\u2019s normal to hate your body. You complain because your friends complain. When I was in high school I joined in the moaning, although secretly I thought my thighs were just fine. The only thing I really would have changed about myself is the quality of my eyesight: corrective lenses are inconvenient. But wishing for 20/20 vision is not really hating your body. Now, when I buckle my belt across my stomach, I frown at its flatness and the skin pulled tautly over it. And although I can\u2019t see the parts inside, I\u2019m even more annoyed with them. Why can\u2019t they do what they\u2019re supposed to do? I\u2019m not hating my body, exactly, but I\u2019m certainly frustrated with it beyond belief. But the weird thing is that I love my body too. It\u2019s not merely part of me; it is me. I can\u2019t just get rid of it. It\u2019s a paradoxical place to be: I can\u2019t stand my body for what it\u2019s doing to me, but I can\u2019t live without it. Honestly, I don\u2019t want to live without it. Infertility has been a supremely confusing experience for"}, {"title": "", "text": "or person that is or was diminishing you in the first place. You will bite at or be angry at the ones that love & care about you the most for no reason or some made up reason that you will convince yourself is valid. Your struggles could very well be tied to the current state of your life. So, if you are struggling to lose weight or get in shape, evaluate or re-evaluate the status of your life. Not someone else\u2019s life but your life. So don\u2019t look for things or people to blame or compare. Evaluate and make a plan for YOU to make a change. Not for that thing or person to make a change. Otherwise, you will end up in a vicious cycle of turmoil. So, how do you beat this, how do you become a winner? It\u2019s important to discontinue activities that steal your time, drain your energy, waste your money or diminish your self-esteem and respect. It\u2019s not about being the best. It\u2019s about being better. Each day you get the required amount of sleep, move more, and eat for the body you need (not for the body you have), makes you better than yesterday. And each day will get easier and easier because you get mentally stronger by simply not feeding the craving. So emotionally you are in control & physically you get healthier. It\u2019s mind over matter in this environment of fast, processed, convenient foods. We all have to eat but we just have to be aware and"}, {"title": "", "text": "be a two-faced lying sonofabitch to yourself and build self-respect that way, huh? Stick with the plan, otherwise one day you\u2019ll end up in emergency and it\u2019ll be too late to help yourself. And don\u2019t be such a hypocrite: always going on about helping others to help themselves and being there for your friends and family and how important it all is, but you can\u2019t even remain committed to helping your own self. Who the fcuk are you to advise others when you can\u2019t swallow your own healthy advice?! As I result, I stuck to a healthy diet, physical exercise plan and routine and kept to it \u201creligiously\u201d as they say (a funny term, I think, considering \u201creligiously\u201d means nothing like such a meaning!). In three months I lost three stone, no stretch marks, no consequences, and I achieved an \u2018ideal weight\u2019. (Erm \u2013 it didn\u2019t stop my face from looking like a slapped arse, but that\u2019s nature and the weather conditions for you \u2013 ahem.) CONCLUSION: If, in 2012, you want to achieve any sort of real change in your life, be FASCISTIC. Yes! Be truly intolerant of you making excuses, backsliding, saying you can\u2019t because of this/that or the other (there\u2019s always \u2018the other\u2019, eh? I know!). You can\u2019t say, \u201cnever mind tonight, I\u2019m going out with friends and so won\u2019t have the energy to do it tomorrow, according to my schedule. I\u2019ll just postpone it to another day/time\u201d. If you\u2019re going to commit to a particular aspect of yourself changing, then commit. If"}, {"title": "", "text": "bit worse, like I was so ugly that if I walked into a bank they\u2019d turn off the cameras (ba dum tish). And even though I actively tried to avoid my reflection, I still caught glances of myself throughout the day which only fueled my anger; I would tease myself with a brief glimpse and then immediately turn away before my eyes could drink in that sorry sight of a crazy person (as only loons would attempt a challenge so ridiculous). It was frustrating and a tad painful not to be able to use the mirror to put my contacts in. Hiding behind other people in Bodypump made exercising quite the chore. I want results after a workout, not to be denied looking at my awesome and newly fit body! My neck hurt from looking down so much to avoid mirrors. Truthfully, I had to hide my eyes so often that it hurt. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn\u2019t help but catch accidental glimpses of myself which was quite obnoxious. Looking at my shadow was often the highlight of my day. On the third day I had such a struggle putting in an earring that it took me an extra few minutes and a red ear before being ready for class. I didn\u2019t care as much about myself, and consequently ended up eating more and exercising a bit less. When Skyping I actually spent more time looking at the person I was having a conversation with than looking at myself in the little vanity"}, {"title": "", "text": "of the things that make you happy, and surround yourself with people who love and value you as much as you can. If you are able to love yourself in broader terms, it will be much easier overcome the negative perceptions you have of your body. You already know there is a lot of power in a compliment. A few nice words can totally make a person\u2019s day! But are you applying that knowledge to the way you treat yourself? It is easy to look in the mirror and see only flaws\u2026 after all most women are surrounded by messages that tell us all about these flaws and what we can do to \u201cfix\u201d them (hint: it usually involves buying their products or services). Don\u2019t let any person or entity who is financially vested in making you feel flawed so they can sell you stuff get the best of you! Make the active choice to see your physical qualities over your perceived flaws, every time! This might be difficult for some, but with regular \u201cpractice,\u201d it can be done. Pick a few of your favorite things about your body, write them down if you need to, and go over them regularly until you start seeing yourself in a more balanced way. 3.Nip those negative thoughts in the bud! We all know that \u201cpractice makes perfect,\u201d right? The more we practice something, the better we get at it. But have you ever thought about how much this applies to your own thoughts? If you are constantly thinking"}, {"title": "", "text": "There was a point in my life that I was so unhappy with myself that I just stopped owning a mirror. I didn't even like the woman looking back at me. She made me depressed and I felt disgusted by her. I just wanted to sleep all the time and my energy was super low. All I could think was, \"How will I keep up with my son when he gets older? I am having such a hard time bending over and playing with him now, why am I breathing so heavy? Oh my goodness, what happened to my clothes? I could have swore they fit better than this.\" Then the depression sets in and you just want to turn to food...so you do just that. Before you know it, you are binge eating food at night and shoveling food in by the handfuls and the weight just keeps packing on. You start to wonder if this will be your forever? Will you always eat like this, because you didn't used too? What the heck changed? Before long, you are eating entire pizzas, ice cream, and sneaking in the candy bars at night because you don't want to get caught. You are ashamed of WHO and WHAT you have ALLOWED yourself to become. Your health is spiraling out of control and you don't have any clue how to fix it. \"Can you fix it? I mean you have been this way for so long...it is just your current NORMAL, right?\" Your digestive health is in shambles,"}, {"title": "", "text": "it feel like \"loving your body\" was reserved for other people? How do some people look in the mirror, or down at their stomach as their feet meet the scale, and not feel regret? Or rage? or unworthiness? I found that it's often because, quite simply, they have a more accurate perception of themselves (one that's closer to reality). The person you're bashing every morning? She's not exactly you. She's the Frankenstein version of you\u2014the one carrying your deepest fears and your harshest judgments. The subject of a painting you've observed with your most critical eye. You've created her from a fantasy, and it begins with the way you're speaking to yourself. We throw around words like, \"lazy,\" \"fat,\" \"depressed,\" \"anxious,\" \"stressed,\" \"failure,\" and \"impossible\" like they're nothing, but how are those seeds you're planting taking root? That's not to say that depression can be cured with rainbows, sunshine, and positive affirmations. There is certainly more to it than that. But, when you're feeling down, or ineffective, or like an imposter, are you a cheerleader or a hater? The words we choose matter. They reinforce ideas (that \"fat\" is the worst thing \u2014 or even a bad thing \u2014 that we can be; that our worth is measured solely by our productivty, so \"lazy\" is a mortal sin; that \"stressed' is a badge of honor; that \"failure\" is who you are, that's it, forever and ever, amen, and of course you got it wrong this time, because that's what you do). They paint the self-portrait against"}, {"title": "", "text": "I walked into the bathroom, looked myself dead in the eye in the mirror, and said out loud: \u201cI hate you.\u201d Cue record scratch sound. You\u2019re probably wondering how I got here. Truth is\u2026so am I. I\u2019ve talked on this blog before about how much of a perfectionist I am. The problem with perfectionism is that it sets up ideals that can never be met, because perfect is impossible. Don\u2019t get me wrong\u2013setting goals is important. It\u2019s a way of marking progress and keeping yourself focused. But when the goals are unattainable\u2026you\u2019re just setting yourself up for failure. And that\u2019s what I do to myself, over and over and over again. I set myself an unattainable goal (whether in my work, my fitness, or my personal relationships), and when I inevitably fail, I punish myself. And then set even stricter goals. This sets up a spiral of disappointment that leads straight down to self-loathing. And if you tell yourself you hate yourself enough, you start to believe it. And that? That affects every area of your life, not just your mental and physical health. I think self-love and self-acceptance have been pretty buzzy phrases the past couple of years, especially if you follow more than a handful of so-called influencers on social media. If you\u2019re anything like me, you scroll right past that gorgeous girl in a bikini posing with detox tea while touting self-love\u2013been there, seen that. But the fact is, your relationship with yourself is like any other relationship in your life, in that"}, {"title": "", "text": "experiences or a woman who ruined them by criticizing everything and dwelling in self criticism? Too harsh? I want you to realize this stuff matters and how you live each day is how you live your life. So if you don\u2019t want your life to be filled with dieting, stress, and wishing your body looked different, you gotta start today. It\u2019s as simple as that."}, {"title": "", "text": "page from Dove's book and write on your mirror with a thick black marker!) If you have trouble finding anything that meets your perfectionist standards, change the way you're looking at yourself. Pretend you're viewing someone else's reflection\u2014your best friend, your sister, or someone else you love. Apply the standards that you use for your loved ones' bodies to your own body. Using those standards, choose at least five things about the image that are positive. Tell your image what you see, addressing her as a second person. \"Your eyes are a beautiful green,\" or \"You have strong legs.\" Speak to the reflection with the same love and compassion that you'd use when addressing a beloved friend or relative. I hope you'll find that when you speak to yourself as you speak to others, the words that come out will be far less harsh and you'll be better able to appreciate your body's merits. I had a good lesson in practicing active gratitude recently while talking with my older daughter. We were having a conversation about how people's bodies change during adolescence, and I was telling her that it's normal that some kids mature earlier than others. With two girls in the house I try never to say anything negative about my body, but for some reason I told her that although most grown women wish for larger breasts, I would prefer to have smaller breasts. Her response brought tears to my eyes. \"Oh, Mom,\" she said, \"your breasts are perfect. Your whole body is perfect.\""}, {"title": "", "text": "in the change you want. I do know that. I am also a part of your goal setting as your accountability partner but you have to get right with yourself first before you seek to change. Doing anything out of self-loathing is not the best move, my friends. Please don't seek to alter your life to be like someone you see. Happy, positive, self talk is key. Praying for self love is key. Praying for guidance and support is key. You matter. Just as you are. So, if anything..take that in to this new year. You want to change? Take self love with you and see the glory."}, {"title": "", "text": "being like, \u2018This is it.\u2019 Twenty-some-odd years of me believing that one day I\u2019d wake up and be some other girl. You\u2019re going to look this way for the rest of your life. And you have to be okay with that.\u201d \u201cI started talking to my belly this year. Blowing her kisses and showering her with praises. I used to want to cut my stomach off. I hated it so much, but it\u2019s literally ME. I am learning to radically love every part of myself. Even if it means talking to myself every morning.\u201d \u201cThis is your sign to love on yourself today! \u2764\ufe0f\u201c It\u2019s about dame time, we loved and accepted ourself! Click here to start your self-love journey If you think you have depression and especially if you are struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, please get help immediately. Your life matters, all things will pass, there are people who can help you."}, {"title": "", "text": "going to feel so damn good about myself. I may be having a bad day, but eating crap will just make a bad day worse, and I\u2019d rather do something that will truly make the day better. You, Evil Twin, are not a trustworthy source. You\u2019re a liar. To hell with this? No! To hell with being fat and hating myself. I\u2019m not going to give space for the mean voices in my head anymore. I am more than this piece of food. I did not get fat overnight, and I will not get healthy overnight either. This takes patience and commitment, and I know that I will see and feel the results. Food is fuel. I am not going to give it emotional power. There are enough unkind people in the world. I do not need to be my own bully. So please take the time to make your own list of retorts. We recommend writing down your list. Use the list when you need a little boost to remind yourself. By the way, notice that we are responding to the Evil Twin with confidence and resolve, not self-loathing and defeat. This response represents a significant cognitive change in how we have talked to ourselves in the past. It represents a paradigm shift, i.e., a dramatic change away from the assumptions that we have held and a move toward new ways of thinking. Paradigm shifts will be the subject of a post in the near future."}, {"title": "", "text": "what I don\u2019t share. I battled and fought some pretty dark demons away for good (I thought) at the end of last year. I worked so hard on myself, and being HAPPY. The start of this year was amazing, probably some of the best 3 months of my life. Slowly but surely though, the year started to go down hill. Physically I am in a different place to where I was, but more importantly mentally I\u2019m not where I was. Physically, I\u2019m heavier and fuller than I was at the start of the year for sure. Not by heaps, but I definitely don\u2019t feel as healthy and strong. Stress and me don\u2019t really mix well when it comes to weight gain and water retention (hello puffer fish face in the morning) haha if I ever figure out the perfect recipe for stress not getting to me as much as it does - I\u2019ll be sure to let you know. When I thought about it, I wasn\u2019t that surprised that the way I talk to myself and about my body now in comparison to the start of the year is very very different. I look in the mirror and I see what I don\u2019t like. I had worked so hard to be in a place that I could look in the mirror and be like \"okay this is me! There are things I would like to work on but I have a body that works and I\u2019m so proud to live in this skin.\" It\u2019s frustrating that"}, {"title": "", "text": "for myself and for the people around me. It\u2019s not easy to change the tapes in your head when the people who are supposed to guide, support, and protect you are the ones making these comments. The person who body shamed me the most was my mother. Being sexually and physically abused further damaged myself and made me hate my physical appearance to the point where I didn\u2019t trust anyone who made a comment about me; positive or negative. What helped me most was putting aside concepts of attractiveness and beauty in favor of learning how to love, accept, respect, and value my physical self for all of the positive blessings it provides me as I work to achieve my goals of overall wellness and independence. Something else that helps is to stop making negative comments (in my head or out loud) about my own and other\u2019s appearance, whether on purpose or by accident. It took me many years to stop automatically thinking in the negative about bodies (etc) in general. I still don\u2019t see myself the way other people see me. Looking in a mirror can be tricky depending on who is watching through my eyes. Every alter has a different perception of our physical self. And none of us really enjoy the attention we receive. Our goal is to blend in, not stand out. But I/we also want to feel comfortable, confident, secure, and happy with our physical appearance/body/self too. And that means creating and using a personal style to guide how we present"}, {"title": "", "text": "The more energy we put into rejecting ourselves, the greater our struggle will be. It\u2019s tiring and the goal always seems so impossible to reach. As long as we direct hate at ourselves, we will continue to do the very actions that keeps us in a body we are unhappy with. To lose weight and to change our bodies, we actually have to let go of our habit of beating them up. We have to choose love and appreciation instead. We have to accept what we look like and how much space we take up right now. We must consider this: What if I had to stay in this body as it is right now for the rest of my time on this earth? How would that change how we lived our lives? And what is holding us back from living that way right now? The way we think about our bodies is a choice. I know it doesn\u2019t seem like it sometimes, but feeling the way we do really is a choice. It all comes from our brains \u2013 which we are in charge of. We choose to hate our stomachs. We choose to see dimples on our thighs as repulsive. We choose to view a number on the scale as good and another as bad. We choose to put energy into feeling disgusted with ourselves. Ask yourself, why am I choosing to think thoughts about myself that cause pain? Why am I choosing to think thoughts that cause me to do harm (restrictive eating,"}, {"title": "", "text": "\u201cI hate you and I wish I wasn\u2019t you.\u201d I would fantasize how my life would be different if I were not overweight. One day I snapped and tried to kill myself because I didn\u2019t want to go on living like this anymore. I ended up in the care of a child psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with major depression and started me on a cycle of Zoloft. I was only 13 years old when this happened and I remember the next day going into school trying to pretend I didn\u2019t try to kill myself the day before. Flash forward 7 years. About a year abstinent from anorexia and bulimia my body dysmorphia crept back into my life. At one point during a photo shoot, someone made a comment that my skin was red. The way it came out of his mouth made me feel vulnerable and ashamed. It sounded to me that it was going to keep me from being successful. Successful in my eyes was acceptance. I based my self-worth upon acceptance from my peers. If I didn\u2019t feel accepted, I felt alone and ashamed. My only way of coping with shame at the time was through self-hate. Out of fear, I spent the next six months researching on why my skin was red and finally got a diagnosis of Rosacea. I remember hiding my self by wearing a ball cap below my eyes and big sunglasses to cover half of my face. I didn\u2019t want to be seen and it was my only way"}, {"title": "", "text": "pray for the night to end. When my ex and I broke up the first time, I went out and got a pixie cut. My first day back on campus after I got the cut, this bitchy girl in my department looked at me askance and said, \u201cAt least it will grow back.\u201d I went to the bathroom and cried and cried and then had to take the back staircase to avoid running into my ex-boyfriend, who also had an office in that building. When we got back together two weeks later, my ex ran his hand through my hair and told me that he still thought I was beautiful. But we broke up again, anyway, because beautiful was not the same as attractive, and attractive was all that mattered. I quit eating. I didn\u2019t really want to lose weight; I just wasn\u2019t hungry. I felt sick to my stomach all the time. I spent my evenings drinking tea to stave off the nausea I felt whenever I thought of what the trajectory of my life would be without him. Then, I\u2019d cry until I passed out from sadness and hunger. It sounds pitiful. It was pitiful. And perhaps some of it was mourning the loss of him, but I think I was mostly mourning the loss of the person I\u2019d been with him. I had a rather low opinion of myself in those days. I had just finished a graduate program that only admitted me, I was sure, because I kept pestering the director about"}, {"title": "", "text": "power, but also deep hurt within so many people who are also struggling and have lost who they are. I can see it so clearly, their bright beautiful spirit, and my wish is that they could see it too. I need to love who I see in the mirror. I feel fortunate that I have found the path that can make that a reality if only I would take a moment and honour my goals and take action. To be thankful and live my life through gratitude and true joy for life and all it has to offer. There is true power in living a life of joy, purpose, and gratitude. I went to the gym this morning and it felt awesome to go. I spent the entire hour thinking. I\u2019m struggling. I\u2019m either in control of the food part, or I\u2019m in control of the exercise part. But both exercise and eating healthy combined, is my struggle. I\u2019m not sure why. I need to figure this out! I\u2019m great in the morning and through out the day. My resolve is strong. I make healthy food choices, and most days have lots of energy to stay active. Then night comes, and after I put my kids to bed, I fight with the internal dialogue to say screw it, and eat. It\u2019s so frustrating because each morning I wake up wondering why I can\u2019t just figure out my night-time eating struggles. It\u2019s so easy when I wake up to a fresh new day. But, by the evening"}, {"title": "", "text": "regards to self-image, literal self images as in images of myself, is seeing them no longer triggers a tailspin. Now I just marvel at the person in the few photos taken of me that I've seen. It's not that I don't recognize myself in them. I just can't relate to that person. I feel badly for her. Fake smiles and sad eyes. Mortification that those around probably can't even imagine. But there she is. Photographic proof that a person can live in a body for decades, simultaneously be steeped in the knowledge of that and making every effort to prevent evidence from being memorialized in photos. The human psyche is fascinating. And weird. And vexing, to say the least. If you're a before, a during, a \"getting ready to be different\" or an \"I'll never be able to change\", take some photos of yourself. Hide them away, password protect and encrypt them if need be. But know that you can change. You can emerge from that body that has taunted you. Just know that this is doable. If I, the person who was close to needing medications to deal with seeing a single photo of myself can now plaster 'before' photos on this platform, on YouTube and other social media, you can get past this. I promise. It's so doable."}, {"title": "", "text": "night, your hair was ugly and thin and your feet were permanently cold. That sounds like torture. I know that you know you deserve so much more than that. I want you to think about all the reasons you chose to fight for your life in the first place. Hold onto those reasons. I know you\u2019re glorifying the days in your eating disorder right now. But if you were happy then, you wouldn\u2019t have even considered recovery \u2013 nostalgia is a liar. Think about how much you\u2019ll leave behind if you give into the voices: school, your friends, your family, your career, your future. Think about what\u2019s really important \u2014 is being skinny really that important? Ten years from now, are you really going to care what you looked like when you were in college (or a year after your baby was born, or whatever)? Absolutely not. All you\u2019re going to care about is the memories you made there. And, those memories aren\u2019t even going to exist if you give up on yourself now. So warrior, you didn\u2019t come this far to only come this far. You\u2019ve found your voice, your authenticity, your inner tribe and you\u2019ve proven to yourself \u2013 over and over again \u2013 how strong you\u2019re capable of being. This feeling you\u2019re feeling right now will pass. In fact, you\u2019ve lived through this feeling and days like this before. It feels like the pain will last forever, but it won\u2019t. It will pass. I know your eating disorder is screaming. But I once"}, {"title": "", "text": "\u201cyes\u201d person. When I looked at my double chin or bulging stomach, I would feel a sharp decrease in self love and instead feel detest towards myself, a feeling of anger and disappointment for not being able to exercise self-control. I was already overweight, and I was not an active person back then, either. That would send me into bouts of self-sabotage, overeating and feeling remorse. While I used to look into the mirror, I would hold the layer of mush around my thick waistline with both my hands, wishing that they would disappear, while frowning at the dark circles, the squarish jaw, the small eyes that I have. I would feel disappointed at myself for eating all the food and snacks just a few hours before. Doing this same thing today has become a rare event. It has taken me years, practicing self acceptance and self-improvement, to accept that I am who I am. I have come to terms with what frustrated me and caused lost sleep in the past. Today, I am fully accepting myself as a person, flawed or not. What needs to change in us so that real change can take effect? Mindset. Life is progress, and there are not really any shortcuts. If we want to lose weight, we have to put in the time, effort, and commitment to work out. Working out not only helps us lose weight and build strength and stamina, but it also functions as a stress relieving activity. Through learning about how to put on makeup,"}, {"title": "", "text": "sure, the salads and the sit-ups, but really what you want is to be a different sort of person. You don\u2019t want to be you \u2013 the same old boring, lazy you, who hates the new health kick completely but struggles on with it until the sweet release of death. You want to be the sort of person who wants to do these things. This person is not you at all any more, not really. It\u2019s been a long time now since I\u2019ve had any sincere belief in the power of thinness to bestow happiness or moral superiority, and a long time since I\u2019ve made those inherently doomed resolutions. I\u2019ve been reminded, lately, when thinking about all that wasted past self-loathing, of what Orson Welles once said about Woody Allen. \u201cHe is arrogant. Like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is \u00adunlimited. Anybody who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is \u00adunbelievably \u00adarrogant. He acts shy, but he\u2019s not. He\u2019s scared. He hates himself, and he loves \u00adhimself, a very tense situation.\u201d Self-loathing, in the end, is a way to exhibit self-obsession. And 2020, among all the other things it did, gave most of us a truly horrible amount of time for self-reflection. So what would I change about myself, then, if not my body? What would make me better? I\u2019ve always thought my characteristic failing was that I need people too much; I never want to be alone. Years ago, back in Dublin, I had moved into a flat on my own after"}, {"title": "", "text": "Running, running, always running. But it only seems to break an internal sweat. I am sick of myself lately. Sick of how I look. It isn\u2019t my hips that are bothering me this time. It\u2019s my skin. My epidermal tissue. My biggest organ. I have burning inside of me and I am feeding it with fire and spicy foods. If I am already burning inside, why am I introducing more fire? My life feels stagnation and I am burning holes into myself from the inside out. I am smoking as I write, I see the growing problem and it\u2019s influences. I need a purpose to start my day differently. I have grown accustom to my lazy life. I am unsure how to get back on track because this aesthetic that I speak of keeps me tied down alone. Sunbtle shifts of attitude come when men pay attention to me. Using the influence like a drug, feeding myself until it runs out and I slump inside myself again. Riding from one high to the next propelled by hormones. When the options have dried up, so do I . I felt it again last night. I want to run far away and start again. But not all the the way back to the beginning. I am sort of sick of beginnings that lead to these ends. Something has got to change and I know it is me. I just feel so lost I\u2019m not sure where to start and I am having a tough time taking advice from"}, {"title": "", "text": "course I want to try to get back to what I was. I felt pretty good about myself then. I don\u2019t want to be super skinny. I just want to be healthy and feeling good about your self is part of that. My husband still finds me attractive, but I don\u2019t. I am not all about having to look good for everyone else, but looking good for yourself. I am not even doing that. I don\u2019t put effort in my appearance and that is because I feel that I don\u2019t need to because I am not attractive. That has to change. I have awesome eyes and hair. I am 5\u20199\u2033 and have long legs. I have a funny smile. I have to be proud of that. I also know that the harder I work on my physical state the better my mental state can ever be. 2. Writing- I have always wanted to write a book. I don\u2019t care if I get published. I want to be able to write a book. I have snippets of short \u201cstories\u201d laying around. I hope to get at least a very crappy first draft done during this time. I also hope to keep this blog up as well. 3. Podcast- I have a history podcast called the Nerdstorian. I love it, but I have not been keeping up with it. I want to change that and relaunch my show. So, that is it for now. These are things I can control. I know it may be difficult, but I"}, {"title": "", "text": "criticise every single thing about me, from my hair colour to my weight. And some part of me felt like changing the way I looked would solve so many of my problems. Of course I was wrong, but I was thinking irrationally. And so it started that I was making myself sick. It wasn\u2019t every day, but when it did happen it could be once or twice in a night, at its worst it could be 5 times in the space of a few hours. And in all honesty, at no point did it ever really make me feel better. At no point did I ever love myself any more than I did before being sick. It was all in my head. It got to a point where I didn\u2019t want to do it anymore, I knew it was wrong but I didn\u2019t really know how to stop. Eventually I told my parents what I was doing, and although they didn\u2019t understand it they were very supportive. I then spoke to my counsellor about it, and in time I realised not only how silly I was being for thinking it would solve anything, but how dangerous it was! I\u2019m extremely lucky that I was able to talk about what I was doing whilst it was in its early stages, so that I could get help and stop it before it became something that controlled me. Eating disorders can be so dangerous and can have long lasting effects on the body. And I\u2019m so grateful that I"}, {"title": "", "text": "between our unflattering self-concepts and the truth of our magnificence. To see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us. Working on it... a lot. And... I'm making progress. For the first time in a long, long time, I am not cringing when I look in the mirror, and it doesn't set my whole day off kilter. I have been participating in an online boot camp, and although I have lost a little weight and some inches, I see the most difference on the inside. I feel different. Energized. Motivated. Strong. Valuable. And... I did 30 push ups this morning. Yes. Three-oh. That is 20 more than I could do nine weeks ago. I am a-changing... and I am grateful. I love that you can now see yourself how those who love you see you all the time. I'm impressed with that, but thrilled with you feeling good about yourself. Good for you! I'm where you were trying to find a way. You are going to be a good example for me. I really just want to feel better about myself. You are looking Great!"}, {"title": "", "text": "it up with distractions and stress and unhealthy relationships and weight and fear and frustration. And I saw it all, all of a sudden. I looked at a picture taken right after Christmas and I didn\u2019t recognize myself anymore. It wasn\u2019t just about the weight, it was about the girl inside. And I didn\u2019t like it. And I realized that no one but me can change this. I\u2019m the only person responsible here. So I\u2019ve started doing something about it. And slowly I see myself coming back. I\u2019m trying to love my weaknesses as much as I love my strengths. But it\u2019s such a difficult process. I have to clean everything out and start over. And I realized as I was cleaning out things at home, that I\u2019m the same way inside. I came across some old letters, and not the ones that you want to keep. The ones that really sucked to read the first time. The ones that point out your faults and your failures. And these are from years and years ago but I\u2019m not at all sure why I decided to keep them. I realized something when I picked them back up though. I do the same thing in my heart everyday. I don\u2019t let things go. I don\u2019t forgive myself. I don\u2019t let go of my failures. And when I saw the picture in December, I could see that in myself. And I didn\u2019t even recognize that girl. I had become this muted version of myself that was slowly disappearing the"}, {"title": "", "text": "The most dreadful part of my morning is when I stand, somber, in front of my bathroom mirror, not quite making eye contact with my reflection. I almost never like what I see: The reflection that stares at me longing to be loved and appreciated while I come up with countless way to change it. I poke and grab at the fat on my stomach, I slap the flab on my arms, I trace the scars on my face left behind by my acne. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Many of us often find ourselves scrutinizing every part of our appearances like this. Why do we want to alter this body that has been so good to us? We want to get rid of fat; gain fat; gain muscle; be skinnier; be thicker; get bigger lips; bigger hips; smaller waists. This is not enough. It\u2019ll never be enough. I\u2019m not enough. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! Why are we constantly tearing ourselves down because of what we look like? Why do we spend so much money trying to alter our bodies with surgeries, weight loss teas and skin bleaching creams? We know that once we \"fix\" one part of ourselves, we\u2019ll find something else that we don\u2019t like. Why can\u2019t we realize that we are beautiful and worthy and enough just the way we are? In our capitalist society that thrives on the consumption of ridiculous products, no one but the elite benefits. We are constantly exposed to"}, {"title": "", "text": "it is. Then maybe slowly move to that area (or for some maybe areas which can be even tougher) and start to find something positive about it. \u201cSure I wish my stomach was flatter, but this was the home for my babies and I wouldn\u2019t trade that for the world.\u201d or \u201cMy arms may be a bit flabbier than I like, but I still play one mean tennis match with them.\u201d Etc., etc., etc. You get the point right? It\u2019s all about changing the thoughts, changing the mindset. This may sound silly to you or you may be one of those people that doesn\u2019t\u2019 struggle with body image at all. But our thoughts are so powerful and they literally can make or break our world. So if our thoughts about our bodies are not loving and compassionate, then how can we be that to other people? Give it a shot. See how it fits. Maybe too it\u2019s just a matter of recognizing how negative your thoughts may actually be. Perhaps you are so used to it that you don\u2019t even know it\u2019s happening. And then see if a change in the patterns of your thoughts can bring about a little more compassion to the one and only body you have to live in. You know those people you see drinking iced coffee year round and think, how the heck do they do that? Well that is the exact same way I am with ice cream. Winter, Summer, Spring or Fall, it doesn\u2019t matter, I will gladly"}, {"title": "", "text": "things you love and sadly they cannot change the way you see yourself, its up to you. You need to decide that the way you are looking at yourself is the wrong way to look at yourself. You need to take it upon yourself to force yourself to believe that you have a shining, amazing personality and everyone is lucky to have you in their lives. No, you can never look like your favourite model, actor or singer but why would you want to? The images you see of them are the images they want you to see, you don't see them when they're just like you. We've all done it, we sit in our pyjamas, probably with messy hair, eating junk food and we're admiring photos of models on a catwalk wearing a full face of make-up, designer clothes, with hair perfectly styled by a professional. How ludicrous is that? Why on Earth do we compare other people's highlights reel to our behind the scenes? That model probably looks no different to you when they're at home, in their pyjamas. Really, we're all the same but, sadly, we see ourselves as polar opposites to people in the spotlight. Nobody is perfect, but that's what makes us all perfect. Please, believe in your beauty, see yourself as a star, look at yourself and think 'hey, you know what, I'm a good person and I look amazing.' Make yourself feel amazing and stop looking at yourself in completely the wrong way. Now, go look at yourself, long"}, {"title": "", "text": "all my time thinking about my bottom? I have the luxury of being one of the few fortunate women on the planet who are safe and sheltered and fed and watered, and I have the audacity to be unhappy. The only thing I hate more than my bum is my preoccupation with it. A cycle of self-hate: I hate my body and I hate me because I hate my body. And seeing all this written down, it is CRAZY that I don\u2019t think of my body as \u2018me\u2019 but as something that my \u2018self\u2019 is trapped inside. Any concern with appearance is a time tax. Conditioning, colouring, scrubbing, plucking and shopping. Apparently Albert Einstein had loads of suits but they were all exactly the same so he never had to think about what to wear.* He went on to use that saved brainpower to do something very brilliant like invent the car. It\u2019s scary how much of my inner monologue is consumed by debating food choices, berating myself for what I\u2019ve recently eaten and promising I\u2019ll do better. Plus the hours in front of the mirror, prodding, sobbing, trying everything on and deciding not to leave the house. My weight has stopped me doing things, has kept me from parties and dinners and award ceremonies because the stress of attempting to look \u2018nice\u2019 has beaten me. I don\u2019t know if the fact that my job involves people looking at me makes it worse. Comedians put themselves down a lot; it\u2019s an easy source of comedy. At"}, {"title": "", "text": "It feels like a long time since I posted, but it went by so fast. I have been feeling busy since I started my new job. (honestly, I thought the new job would stress me out and make me gain weight, but I am actually the same size... 129.) I got alot on my mind and once agian, I got consumed by my life and what was going on around me, and I forgot about my one true personal goal I have set for myself... The only thing I know for sure in this life I truely desire... To be thin again. well, now that I have adapted to this job and current situation, I am ready to take on one of the hardest tasks, self control. over food, over taking care of my body with extersize. I keep telling myself in the back of my head, just do it... every day, just get up and workout. its just an hour. then I do it maybe once or twice a week and think, well its better then nothing. but, then I realize, it's only just getting me by and maintaining everything I am right now. I'm not saying I hate myself. Frankly, I could be alot worse off then I am now. I always tell myself, \"I could be living on the streets, and have no legs.\" I haven't had internet or tv at my apt for a bit now, (lent my conection to the sis) and I honestly felt a bit disconnected to everyone. Sometimes"}, {"title": "", "text": "at times, to be never ending, I, as one not usually stuck for words, I can\u2019t express in words that feeling. The point is this: my paying attention to sleep, nutrition and exercise, it\u2019s not just a physical health thing, it\u2019s not a narcissistic thing, it\u2019s a physical and mental holistic approach to living. How I feel physically, how I feel mentally, what I see in the mirror, a far thinner, younger-looking person than I used to be, it reinforces that sense of \u2018being in control\u2019 \u2013 without that sense, I\u2019d sink. Now, the next thing I need to address: CLUTTER. I think my being a hoarder, it\u2019s a consequence, a symptom, of my being obsessive \u2013 I prevaricate, I can\u2019t make decisions easily and, because of this, I find it hard to convince myself that something can be binned. It\u2019s much easier for me to NOT bin stuff, to just keep it but that physical clutter leads to disorganisation and that leads to a cluttered mind and an inability to see and think straight. I have imposed a lot of discipline on my way of life \u2013 eating right, exercise, sleep, the fight to think positively and I must \u2013 NOW \u2013 impose discipline in this organisational element of my life. I must DE-CLUTTER! I\u2019m not going to do it half-heartedly \u2013 major surgery is required. I\u2019m going to do this as I would if \u2013 and I know it\u2019s morbid and dramatic but it\u2019s the obsessive in me \u2013 as if a doctor has"}, {"title": "", "text": "them to my own weight. I'd grab my skin and imagine cutting my fat off with scissors, and I'd drink gallons of water and not eat anything for hours, which was the worst of all. I just could not like what I saw. I've always been a very controlling and organised person too. I've always wanted to know what time we're leaving the house or what time I'd be getting home. I'd need to know specifics and durations - how long something was going to last so that I could know what was happening afterwards. I keep things tidy and clean, and I get stressed if people move things from places or positions that I've placed them in - I can't be clear minded in a messy room. I became so controlling and obsessive about time and timings, that it took over my life. So, what changed? How come things are different now? How did I change the way I thought about things and myself? I really just had to learn about 'irrationality'. I had to learn that my thoughts were irrational and learn to fight against them with the rational ones. I stopped seeking everyone else's approval. I learnt that the only person's approval I need is my own. When you learn to love yourself and be who you truly are, that's where true happiness and acceptance comes from. The more that you can be yourself, the more respect and love that people will have for you. People can smell desperation from a mile off"}, {"title": "", "text": "act like that person as hard as you can.\u2019 Of course, you have to be able to come up with an image of an ideal person that isn\u2019t dependent on their outside appearance, but if you can do that, it really does help. (It helps too, if you\u2019ve ever known a really tedious whiner, to say to yourself, \u2018What would Tedious do about this?\u2019 and then do the opposite of that. It\u2019s not exactly noble, but when you\u2019re feeling down, having something to feel superior to can be a bit comforting.) It\u2019s one of those strategies that needs a certain leap to get started on, an energy push, but if you can get it started, it feeds on itself and makes you feel quite a lot better. I\u2019m going to absolutely thumbs up the \u201cvirtuous circle around involuntary changes in your appearance.\u201d Aspects of one\u2019s appearance might be involuntary, but there\u2019s always the choice to appear to be self-accepting, brave, positive, confident, etc. That counts for a lot when it comes to people making assumptions \u2013 unconscious or otherwise \u2013 about appearance. Making an outward-facing display of one\u2019s anxieties by doing things like comb-overs or ill-fitting clothes often only makes things worse; other people can \u201csmell\u201d the internal fear of judgment and often prey on it. As for me, I was aggressively indifferent and unapologetic about being very noticeably fat and I can honestly say that I just plain didn\u2019t experience the kind of fat-shaming other people report receiving from strangers. In 20 years, I never"}, {"title": "", "text": "I eat so I don't pity myself in what I look like. In sweat pants it's all or nothing and it's like I have no control. What is the reason you may ask on why I tried this today even if I knew?? I had an exam today and felt like a slob in the morning. I woke up and the first thing I did was look in the mirror and judge myself. i didn't like my face, my hair, I was fat, I had saggy breasts, stretch marks, uneven lips. Like the criticism kept coming. Another trigger that I think caused this is my stomach. It hasn't gone down in SEVERAL days!! It's been reaching from 50-75 inches everyday and no matter what I try to do it gets in my way and this causes frustration. A part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and be thin. I've tried diets etc and they work to an extent. But what I did learn this week is endometriosis causes swelling like what I'm getting. So we will see what the MRI shows and if that's the reason. For now I am fighting off the urge to starve myself. Last time I ended up doing that the weight dropped a lot but everything else flared up and took weeks to go down."}, {"title": "", "text": "The media all too easily discourages women, tricking us into thinking we need to look a certain way to be \"beautiful\". If we don't look like or live up to the standards portrayed on television or the Internet, it's easy to believe no one will ever love us the way we are. To wade off derogatory thoughts, do something nice for yourself. Go somewhere and do something that makes you happy. Once you're distracted, negative thoughts disappear. One day, they'll be gone altogether and they'll never return. Focusing your attention on something other than your body image will help you to think much healthier thoughts and help you realize you are in charge of your own happiness. Think about those days when you accomplished something that meant a lot to you. Revel in your accomplishments. Make a list of new goals and achieve them. Focusing on something other than your appearance gives you no time to dwell on hurtful thoughts. You will also remember that enjoying life isn't about the way you look. Who you are and what you've done matters so much more than your appearance. Everyone has flaws; and don't let yours tear you apart. If you focus on your flaws, you'll never see or understand your strengths, let alone use them. You are much stronger than you think you are. Your flaws are what make you unique and different from everyone else. Want to know a secret? It's possible to turn your flaws into strengths. It may take a little time but learning"}, {"title": "", "text": "media accounts are, there will always be people who will bash you and comment on even the tiniest and irrelevant spec of flaw that you have. If every thread of your being is affected by the comments of other people, then you better start changing your perspective, not the way you look like just so you could please them. Dissatisfaction brought by others is not real. You cannot be dissatisfied with yourself just because no one acknowledges your greatness. How you view yourself is far more important that how others see you. This is why it is important that you don't let other people define who you are no matter what. If you still want to change after meditating about it, then make sure you are changing for yourself. After all, at the end of the day, it's how you feel that really matters. Upon pondering about changing, you should be able to sacrifice a lot of your time, effort and resources in order for you to achieve it. Almost everything has a price and change is included. For every goal, there comes a price. Make sure that you are physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared. You can\u2019t expect to have your dream with sheer determination alone. No matter what changes you decide to go through, remember that all should lead to who you really are. Not into someone that you want to be just because you have seen it on others. All of the humps you will go through will eventually lead to the real you."}, {"title": "", "text": "this where I am, and I can be. For years, I\u2019ve struggled with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my own body. I occasionally see myself as a nothingness, I have no unique or \u2018stand out\u2019 features. I don\u2019t fit in with the stereotypical idea of beauty, neither do I fit in with the quirky styles of beauty. I occasionally eat, and then regret eating. I look at my features and pin point certain bits that don\u2019t match my own \u2018image.\u2019 I tear myself up piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. And I go back to being a \u2018nothingness\u2019 again. Maybe I put myself down too much. But it\u2019s better than anyone else seeing me like this. I am a generally positive person. I laugh. I joke. I occasionally come out with the most wacky things, because I have a weird sort of personality. Most of the time I embrace being me. I embrace my flaws, and my big thighs, puffy hair and completely dodgy eyes. I embrace my fun personality, and how much I lack common sense. But that\u2019s okay. Sometimes, I feel like I need to remind myself that I\u2019m not going to be perfect, never mind be just that for someone else. I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I\u2019ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I\u2019m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to"}, {"title": "", "text": "tween sons, a labradoodle puppy, and a cat who came with the house. A full-time journalist at a mid-size California newspaper, her work has also appeared in Good Housekeeping, Huffington Post, Mamalode, and Club Mid. She can often be found running and listening to comedy podcasts. Join founder Jen Pastiloff for a weekend retreat at Kripalu Center in Western Massachusetts Feb 19-21, 2016. beauty, Gratitude, Guest Posts, Self Image, Self Love, Women THE REAL REASON I THINK I\u2019M UGLY TODAY By Jennifer Ann Butler I looked in the mirror this evening and the first face I made at myself was one of disgust. There I was, in PJ pants, a baseball tee, messy hair in a bun, no makeup, ungroomed eyebrows, and dirty glasses. But I didn\u2019t walk away. I also didn\u2019t correct the reaction. I didn\u2019t say, \u201cNO, Jen. Be NICE to yourself. GAH.\u201d And force myself to say something kind. Because that\u2019s fake. And, frankly, that\u2019s almost worse than the initial face of disgust. At least that reaction was authentic. Even if it wasn\u2019t healthy or kind, it was authentic. It stemmed from somewhere in my psyche and it deserves light. It deserves attention and affection and expression just as the rest of my emotions and thoughts and opinions about myself do. See, we\u2019re all onto something with there being body image issues and us needing to love ourselves more, but I feel as though we\u2019re going about it in the wrong way. Oftentimes, we\u2019re combatting the issues rather than offering love and tenderness."}, {"title": "", "text": "really avoid talking about things this personal on my blog, but it's been eating me up inside for a while now and I hate the fact that I look at pictures of myself and automatically go to delete them. This blog should focus on what I love in life and how my personal style evolves over time. How I evolve over time. It shouldn't cause me to spend extra time criticizing myself over the way I look in pictures. I shouldn't be looking at other blogs and wondering why I don't look the way they do. None of that matters. So here is my promise, to myself, to stop. The fact that I'm talking about this on my blog is probably just a sign that I should go to bed. I need to be up in less than five hours for a long day at work. Good night, blogosphere."}, {"title": "", "text": "a 30 year old woman that hated her body and to be honest I was just lazy. I got myself stuck in this depressive rut and I let everything tear me down\u2026.I allowed it to happen. By NO MEANS do I believe that looks are the most important thing. I am now almost 70 lbs. lighter and I workout 4-5 days a week. I still have cheat days and my eating habits aren\u2019t perfect but I am so much healthier. I didn\u2019t want to be a person anymore that dreaded looking in the mirror. I didn\u2019t want to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I did not want to continually hate myself knowing that I got myself to that point. It became a matter of do or die\u2026almost literally. I am not the girly girl type but I am not a tomboy either. I am just the type that likes to dress comfortably and go with what I like at that time. That might be a flowy maxi dress or it might just be capris with a tank top and flip flops. I have never been one to really go over the top because it doesn\u2019t fit my personality. Image and looks have never been as important as being known for my brains and my abilities. BUT I am still a woman and I still wanted to feel pretty in a sense and I wanted to be healthy. My body will never be \u201cperfect\u201d but for the first time I am ok with that. I"}, {"title": "", "text": "way out. This is not fun, and it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I love health, I love nutrition. I work out every day, and eat 5 planed meals a day, but then late at night when nobodies home the urge comes, sometimes I can say no, and go right to bed. But sometimes I can not! and tonight was one of those nights! after two binges and purges I jumped right online and started researching natural, healthy ways I can just stop this cycle and move on with my life in a much more healthy way. I can't do this anymore, its tearing me down, ripping me apart, and all i feel like doing right now is crying, cuz I'm not sure what else I can do at this point, I want to be strong, but there is nothing left in me to give to this. I need to fix my mind from going back to this, I just don't want to even think about it anymore. I don't know why I ever let it enter into my life when I knew how bad it looked from the outside, and how bad it was for me, coming from somebody who is really into health I feel like a liar! Like a hypocrite. I want to change for the better and move on, I know I can do this. There has to be a way. A healthy way. Love, somebody with hope for a better future."}, {"title": "", "text": "time noticing it. Then everytime you notice that you are using negative language, say in your head, \u201cSTOP, this is not useful\u201d and flip it. If you were thinking \u201cmy tummy is so fat and ugly\u201d say instead \u201cmy tummy is beautiful and soft\u201d even if you don\u2019t believe it. This is a practice so keep practising. Sleep is vital for every aspect of our health. Sleep is for the strong, not the weak. You need to prioritise it. Ensure that you are getting at least 8 hours each night. Keep all electronics out of the bedroom. Avoid blue light (phones, tv, laptops) at least 30min before bed. Keep an eye on what caffeine and alcohol are doing to your body. If you struggle with sleep, get some help. Talk about weight loss, bikini bodies and unrealistic beauty standards is everywhere. It\u2019s difficult to escape it but if you want to create a loving relationship with your body there is no room for that negativity in your life. Do not be available for that kind of crap anyone. Unfollow anyone on social media who promotes that. Avoid newspapers, magazines and websites that promise you can lose 2 stone in 2 weeks. Change the subject with friends, family and work colleagues when these topics come up or if you feel brave enough, tell them that you are no longer interested in talking about these things anymore. Don\u2019t buy clothes to aspire to, ones that you hope to fit in when you\u2019ve lost weight. Don\u2019t buy the first"}, {"title": "", "text": "time noticing it. Then everytime you notice that you are using negative language, say in your head, \u201cSTOP, this is not useful\u201d and flip it. If you were thinking \u201cmy tummy is so fat and ugly\u201d say instead \u201cmy tummy is beautiful and soft\u201d even if you don\u2019t believe it. This is a practice so keep practising. Sleep is vital for every aspect of our health. Sleep is for the strong, not the weak. You need to prioritise it. Ensure that you are getting at least 8 hours each night. Keep all electronics out of the bedroom. Avoid blue light (phones, tv, laptops) at least 30min before bed. Keep an eye on what caffeine and alcohol are doing to your body. If you struggle with sleep, get some help. Talk about weight loss, bikini bodies and unrealistic beauty standards is everywhere. It\u2019s difficult to escape it but if you want to create a loving relationship with your body there is no room for that negativity in your life. Do not be available for that kind of crap anyone. Unfollow anyone on social media who promotes that. Avoid newspapers, magazines and websites that promise you can lose 2 stone in 2 weeks. Change the subject with friends, family and work colleagues when these topics come up or if you feel brave enough, tell them that you are no longer interested in talking about these things anymore. Don\u2019t buy clothes to aspire to, ones that you hope to fit in when you\u2019ve lost weight. Don\u2019t buy the first"}, {"title": "", "text": "From the start of this year, I was confident and excited to see what I could accomplish each month. The first three months of this year have been nothing but turmoil and self-hate. My self-esteem plummeted ,and it feels like I'm in middle school again. I avoid mirrors and selfies. If I accidentally catch my reflection, I can't stop looking at myself. My face starts to burn and tears form in my eyes. I can't stop staring at the stranger in the mirror. I spend so many nights going from picture to picture, profile to profile, obsessively comparing everything about myself to others, from the number I see on the scale to how my teeth look. Every time I leave the house, the only thing on my mind is, \u201cI hope no one sees how hideous I look today.\" Whenever I'm at work I can only think about how gross I look to everyone. I cry myself to sleep because I cannot stand to live in this body I hate and the mind I ruined. I'm not good enough for myself. I've changed for sure, but not for the better."}, {"title": "", "text": "Most of us, especially us ladies, have a love/hate relationship with our bodies from a very early age. We spend a great deal of our time on this planet comparing ourselves to everyone else and determining that our \u201cgoods\u201d just aren\u2019t good enough. And while we judge ourselves on a daily (if not hourly) basis, we treat our bodies less than kindly. Sadly, in my youth, I had more of a hate/hate relationship with my body. I hated that my stomach was never flat enough, hated that my hair wasn\u2019t thick enough, hated that my thighs touched, and hated that my skin wasn\u2019t flawless as the women I saw on TV and in magazines. And, to make matters worse, I treated my body, the greatest gift I have ever been given, like an enemy \u2013 polluting it with sugar and processed food, nicotine, alcohol and way too much caffeine and I never let my body get enough regenerative sleep. Well, all of this self-hatred and mistreatment eventually manifested itself in a terrifying cancer diagnosis. My body, which I had abused with thought and action, was suddenly going to die within 3 short months and I very suddenly wanted to save its life. I knew instinctively that in order to save it I was going to have to make peace with it and yes, LOVE it. My body was no longer a target of my frustration and disappointment; it was now my prized possession \u2013 warts and all. By now you know I am an advocate for"}, {"title": "", "text": "us with a dieter's mentality fear Halloween with the same kind of dread we do a visit to the dentist or getting on the scale after a weekend binge. Whatever you've survived, the key words are \"You survived.\" Yes, you might have a black eye\u2014or other forms of emotional or physical scarring as a result. But don't let a horrific incident (or incidences) take away your joie de vivre. This life is for living. And no person or incident can take that away from you permanently\u2014unless you let them. The more we accept and respect others (no matter what they look like), the more disposed we'll be to extending that kind of acceptance (and even kindness) to ourselves. And when we change our judgements about how we look and what we weigh, we'll be more likely to initiate and even accomplish the kind of healthy, positive change that can lead to true transformation. After learning what my amazing and beautiful friend Karen has gone through, health-wise, I realized that I never have a reason to not move my body in some productive way (even if only taking a 10 minute walk around the block if that's all I have time for)\u2014and that I need to make every exercise session a celebration of life and health when doing so. When did vitriol become a national pastime and filling our social media feeds with hatred become de rigeur? Has initially greeting someone we don't understand (or even that we don't agree with) with kindness become a thing of"}, {"title": "", "text": "us with a dieter's mentality fear Halloween with the same kind of dread we do a visit to the dentist or getting on the scale after a weekend binge. Whatever you've survived, the key words are \"You survived.\" Yes, you might have a black eye\u2014or other forms of emotional or physical scarring as a result. But don't let a horrific incident (or incidences) take away your joie de vivre. This life is for living. And no person or incident can take that away from you permanently\u2014unless you let them. The more we accept and respect others (no matter what they look like), the more disposed we'll be to extending that kind of acceptance (and even kindness) to ourselves. And when we change our judgements about how we look and what we weigh, we'll be more likely to initiate and even accomplish the kind of healthy, positive change that can lead to true transformation. After learning what my amazing and beautiful friend Karen has gone through, health-wise, I realized that I never have a reason to not move my body in some productive way (even if only taking a 10 minute walk around the block if that's all I have time for)\u2014and that I need to make every exercise session a celebration of life and health when doing so. When did vitriol become a national pastime and filling our social media feeds with hatred become de rigeur? Has initially greeting someone we don't understand (or even that we don't agree with) with kindness become a thing of"}, {"title": "", "text": "won\u2019t properly take care of it. Health requires caring, that means you will be exposed to illnesses and infections produced by bad behaviors or eating habits. Your body will be vulnerable on a daily basis. Another thing that is dangerous here is that our mind can\u2019t work without a pattern. You can\u2019t simply say to a computer: do what you want! The computer needs a command to execute. That means, maybe you think that you don\u2019t care about how you look, but deep inside you have a pattern. Most probably from other people who don\u2019t take care of their bodies also, so that\u2019s not the best example to follow. This is the only way I recommend to think about yourself. Love yourself, love the way you look and try to find ways to improve your health. Be gentle with yourself and the opinions you have about yourself. You are not just complimenting your appearance, you are also setting up a pattern, a standard. If you want to lose weight focus on how you will going to look. Imagine yourself looking like that already. You can simply say \u201cI will look stunning when I am going to lose weight (while imagining yourself slim)\u201d . This is pure DNA changing, habits changing and feelings changing. Not to mention how happy and confident you are going to feel. It\u2019s very simple. What you intensely put in your mind, the brain interprets that as a wish, as a command. And it will give you patterns to get there. Is that"}, {"title": "", "text": "won\u2019t properly take care of it. Health requires caring, that means you will be exposed to illnesses and infections produced by bad behaviors or eating habits. Your body will be vulnerable on a daily basis. Another thing that is dangerous here is that our mind can\u2019t work without a pattern. You can\u2019t simply say to a computer: do what you want! The computer needs a command to execute. That means, maybe you think that you don\u2019t care about how you look, but deep inside you have a pattern. Most probably from other people who don\u2019t take care of their bodies also, so that\u2019s not the best example to follow. This is the only way I recommend to think about yourself. Love yourself, love the way you look and try to find ways to improve your health. Be gentle with yourself and the opinions you have about yourself. You are not just complimenting your appearance, you are also setting up a pattern, a standard. If you want to lose weight focus on how you will going to look. Imagine yourself looking like that already. You can simply say \u201cI will look stunning when I am going to lose weight (while imagining yourself slim)\u201d . This is pure DNA changing, habits changing and feelings changing. Not to mention how happy and confident you are going to feel. It\u2019s very simple. What you intensely put in your mind, the brain interprets that as a wish, as a command. And it will give you patterns to get there. Is that"}, {"title": "", "text": "key. You have to constantly tell yourself that tomorrow will be better\u2014until one day, it actually is. Hearing comments from people like, \u201cYou\u2019re all better, right?\u201d or, \u201cCan you eat this now?\u201d makes it seem like I was once an entirely different person with an incapacitating virus that was then completely flushed out of my system when I sought help. Mental illness does not disappear that easily. So yes, I am doing significantly better now than I have in the past. In fact, I\u2019m probably in the best place that I have been in a while. However, the issues and bad thoughts that I dealt with years ago came from the same brain I have today. The ease of giving into these disordered thoughts is tempting sometimes, but the quality of the life I live now is incomparable. Photo courtesy of flickr.com Despite what you may think, I still have bad body image days where I feel disgusting and don\u2019t want to go outside. I look back at old pictures of myself and see how much thinner I was and sometimes wish that I could once again be in that shape. Sometimes I want to revert back to having control over every aspect of my day and relish in the happy feeling I would get when I saw a lower number on the scale. There are times when I wake up and decide that I\u2019m not going to eat today because I look big in the mirror and feel bloated, but by lunchtime, I get hungry."}, {"title": "", "text": "key. You have to constantly tell yourself that tomorrow will be better\u2014until one day, it actually is. Hearing comments from people like, \u201cYou\u2019re all better, right?\u201d or, \u201cCan you eat this now?\u201d makes it seem like I was once an entirely different person with an incapacitating virus that was then completely flushed out of my system when I sought help. Mental illness does not disappear that easily. So yes, I am doing significantly better now than I have in the past. In fact, I\u2019m probably in the best place that I have been in a while. However, the issues and bad thoughts that I dealt with years ago came from the same brain I have today. The ease of giving into these disordered thoughts is tempting sometimes, but the quality of the life I live now is incomparable. Photo courtesy of flickr.com Despite what you may think, I still have bad body image days where I feel disgusting and don\u2019t want to go outside. I look back at old pictures of myself and see how much thinner I was and sometimes wish that I could once again be in that shape. Sometimes I want to revert back to having control over every aspect of my day and relish in the happy feeling I would get when I saw a lower number on the scale. There are times when I wake up and decide that I\u2019m not going to eat today because I look big in the mirror and feel bloated, but by lunchtime, I get hungry."}, {"title": "", "text": "but at the mental. the inessentials that i need to look at eliminating are more ephemeral than shoes or surplus tins of soup. the negative self-talk, for instance; that\u2019s a big one. i have no idea whether i\u2019m wired to trash-talk myself or if it\u2019s a skill i learned from years of mental health struggles but in the end, it doesn\u2019t matter. i live with it now and it\u2019s a problem. the negative comments start the moment i regain consciousness in the morning. that little voice that negatively narrates everything i do doesn\u2019t even wait for me to leave the bed. it doesn\u2019t stick to a specific area either; it\u2019s not solely about hating my body though that\u2019s a theme that comes up quite often. i wake and the first thing that happens is my brain tells me that it can feel flesh. it revisits everything i ate the previous day, passing judgement on the food i chose to consume. it points out the lack of physical perfection, causing me to feel for bones in my hips and torso. once it establishes that i\u2019m a failure physically, it moves on into other areas. your house is a disaster. it\u2019s pathetic. you don\u2019t work; your house should at least be perfect. you should\u2019ve done more yard work yesterday. three hours is pathetic. what must the neighbours think of you and your home? it\u2019s not perfect. it\u2019s awful. i know people tell you they like your garden but you\u2019ve seen it; it\u2019s messy and cluttered. \u201cenglish garden\u201d. what"}, {"title": "", "text": "but at the mental. the inessentials that i need to look at eliminating are more ephemeral than shoes or surplus tins of soup. the negative self-talk, for instance; that\u2019s a big one. i have no idea whether i\u2019m wired to trash-talk myself or if it\u2019s a skill i learned from years of mental health struggles but in the end, it doesn\u2019t matter. i live with it now and it\u2019s a problem. the negative comments start the moment i regain consciousness in the morning. that little voice that negatively narrates everything i do doesn\u2019t even wait for me to leave the bed. it doesn\u2019t stick to a specific area either; it\u2019s not solely about hating my body though that\u2019s a theme that comes up quite often. i wake and the first thing that happens is my brain tells me that it can feel flesh. it revisits everything i ate the previous day, passing judgement on the food i chose to consume. it points out the lack of physical perfection, causing me to feel for bones in my hips and torso. once it establishes that i\u2019m a failure physically, it moves on into other areas. your house is a disaster. it\u2019s pathetic. you don\u2019t work; your house should at least be perfect. you should\u2019ve done more yard work yesterday. three hours is pathetic. what must the neighbours think of you and your home? it\u2019s not perfect. it\u2019s awful. i know people tell you they like your garden but you\u2019ve seen it; it\u2019s messy and cluttered. \u201cenglish garden\u201d. what"}, {"title": "", "text": "Both healthy and sick women can get caught up in a cycle of self-hate. When a woman complains that she\u2019s too short, oftentimes her friend will say something like, \u201cYou\u2019re not too short. I\u2019m too tall.\u201d But what does this accomplish? We unconsciously perpetuate a message that we\u2019ve learned from society: We\u2019re never good enough. Hogwash! The Victoria\u2019s Secret Fashion Show was last week. I saw a lot of posts on Facebook from women that said, \u201ctime to diet \u201cor \u201cI feel like sh*t.\u201d It breaks my heart to think about the world my nieces will live in when they\u2019re older. I give them positive reinforcement\u2014I tell them they are kind, smart, and beautiful. At a very young age, they have developed healthy self-esteem. When I was young, I never struggled with self-hate. Sure, sometimes I thought about common issues like creating that elusive gap between the thighs. (Is there even a word for that?) But overall, before Myasthenia Gravis (MG) invaded my life when I was 24, I was happy with my appearance. MG, a neuromuscular autoimmune illness, doesn\u2019t play nice. I went from doing yoga daily to being bedridden for a year, having medical procedures, and gaining ten dress sizes (oh Prednisone!). My meds for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) weren\u2019t helping either. And some people who knew I was sick intentionally insulted my appearance. The psychological effects of medicine-induced changes are tremendous. I\u2019ve known women with cancer who stopped taking Prednisone because of weight gain, which didn\u2019t end well. Similarly, as someone with Bipolar"}, {"title": "", "text": "nutrition, sleep hygiene, stress, alcohol and drug consumption. My direct experience tells me to achieve an optimum mental state, a solid foundation to handle day-to-day fluctuations, all of these areas have to be in order. A focus on overall health, not aesthetics, is proven to improve body image. Mental health can\u2019t flourish whilst the body is abused by junk food or neglected by lethargy. Sadly, our culture is so set on bodily abuse is taking active steps to better health is sometimes seen as a rebellious (or even presumptuous) act. Just try abstaining from alcohol and see how challenging it is. Forget exercising and eating well to shape up to Instagram models or Hollywood stars; this level of care is crucial not to look good, but to feel great. Ignore the messages saying you don\u2019t deserve it \u2014 you do. That\u2019s why the fifth and final separation is an important one. Learning to tune-in to your bodily sensations and energy can act as a visual guide to your health. This is very subjective and personal to you. Weigh up the pros and cons and be your own guide. If you feel a certain way after eating a certain food, or feel energetic after less than eight hours sleep, follow your guide. If your skin indicates a lack of hydration, or too much fatty food, follow the guide. Respect the body, refer to it, let it guide you to good health. Drastically improving body image is possible. But no article, no single tool, no words of wisdom"}, {"title": "", "text": "got smaller, but the other features I hated got more exaggerated. I thought I was doing it wrong and sometimes tried to starve myself, which would typically last for about a day or two but when I couldn\u2019t stand not feeling the sensation of eating, I\u2019d binge again, feel bad and purge. The cycle continued off and on for years until I finally saw a therapist for something unrelated, when I was about 16. She helped me make sense of what was going on. For me, it was more about control. The primary ways that I dealt with anger and frustration were either to lash out violently or to turn it inward. The latter happened most of the time. Because other things were happening in my life that I couldn\u2019t control, I focused on the one element I could change and that\u2019s how my eating disorder was born. I told myself that everything else was my fault because I was fat and somehow, me losing weight would make everything better. It\u2019s a warped way of thinking that only people who deal with similar issues can truly understand. Even if you learn how to manage it, the thoughts never go completely away. I\u2019m 27, and have admittedly had episodes within the last couple of years. But I\u2019m still a work in progress. Thinking about how not worth it the side effects are (losing teeth, never having energy, always being sick because your immune system is down, hating yourself because you can\u2019t stop it\u2013just to name a few)"}, {"title": "", "text": "got smaller, but the other features I hated got more exaggerated. I thought I was doing it wrong and sometimes tried to starve myself, which would typically last for about a day or two but when I couldn\u2019t stand not feeling the sensation of eating, I\u2019d binge again, feel bad and purge. The cycle continued off and on for years until I finally saw a therapist for something unrelated, when I was about 16. She helped me make sense of what was going on. For me, it was more about control. The primary ways that I dealt with anger and frustration were either to lash out violently or to turn it inward. The latter happened most of the time. Because other things were happening in my life that I couldn\u2019t control, I focused on the one element I could change and that\u2019s how my eating disorder was born. I told myself that everything else was my fault because I was fat and somehow, me losing weight would make everything better. It\u2019s a warped way of thinking that only people who deal with similar issues can truly understand. Even if you learn how to manage it, the thoughts never go completely away. I\u2019m 27, and have admittedly had episodes within the last couple of years. But I\u2019m still a work in progress. Thinking about how not worth it the side effects are (losing teeth, never having energy, always being sick because your immune system is down, hating yourself because you can\u2019t stop it\u2013just to name a few)"}, {"title": "", "text": "These weight fluctuations respond to my mood. I\u2019ve struggled with eating disorders since my early 20s, going through cycles of bingeing and purging when I\u2019m trying to ignore some internal crisis or barely eating at all when my heart is on my sleeve. (The best shape I\u2019ve ever been in was in 2017, for instance, the year after Mark died.) And what I find interesting about this, which I\u2019ve realised during my own self-reflection, is that this is as much an extension of that once proud relationship to my body as any form of exercise. It\u2019s an attempt to physically flush out emotion and distress or keep it outside of myself when the social situation is set up to encourage that. People talk about going for a run or jogging and this making them feel better and encourage it if you have depression as if this relationship with your body will keep the mind at bay. But this dualist understanding of mental ill-health is dangerously ill-informed. I\u2019m fairly certain I\u2019ve told this story before but I remember once, living at home and having been in bed for a week, sometime around 2015, my Dad knocked on my bedroom door and said to me, frustrated but also somewhat compassionately, like the swimming coach of my childhood, that lying in bed for so long might be one of the worst things you can do to your body, and I didn\u2019t know how to explain that that was more gratifying than energising. It is the mind acting upon the"}, {"title": "", "text": "you see them happy, confident and with strong will power. I\u2019ve been overweight and now I am fit. I can tell you from experience that what you think and how you feel about yourself influence the way you look, not the other way around. I will break it down and explain it to you. This is the worst way you can think about yourself. No matter if you express it loudly or not, thinking about you negatively affects you more than you imagine. If you look in the mirror and deep inside you feel like looking awful , that\u2019s going to affect your appearance. You should never critique your body, tell yourself that you are ugly, not attractive, fat and things like this. You should NEVER do this to yourself. You practically order your body to look that way. You will feel bad, you will have bad habits and you won\u2019t take care of your body at all. That way your body lose more health, you become fatter and you think worse about yourself. It\u2019s a vicious spinning circle and you need to get out of it asap. In this way, people say: \u201cI don\u2019t care how I look. I don\u2019t care how I feel, how healthy I am, how that impacts my body\u201d. At this point, maybe you don\u2019t make your body look worst but you will leave yourself open to harm. If you don\u2019t care about the way you look, it means you don\u2019t love yourself and you don\u2019t love your body. So you"}, {"title": "", "text": "you see them happy, confident and with strong will power. I\u2019ve been overweight and now I am fit. I can tell you from experience that what you think and how you feel about yourself influence the way you look, not the other way around. I will break it down and explain it to you. This is the worst way you can think about yourself. No matter if you express it loudly or not, thinking about you negatively affects you more than you imagine. If you look in the mirror and deep inside you feel like looking awful , that\u2019s going to affect your appearance. You should never critique your body, tell yourself that you are ugly, not attractive, fat and things like this. You should NEVER do this to yourself. You practically order your body to look that way. You will feel bad, you will have bad habits and you won\u2019t take care of your body at all. That way your body lose more health, you become fatter and you think worse about yourself. It\u2019s a vicious spinning circle and you need to get out of it asap. In this way, people say: \u201cI don\u2019t care how I look. I don\u2019t care how I feel, how healthy I am, how that impacts my body\u201d. At this point, maybe you don\u2019t make your body look worst but you will leave yourself open to harm. If you don\u2019t care about the way you look, it means you don\u2019t love yourself and you don\u2019t love your body. So you"}, {"title": "", "text": "why that\u2019s never going to work: Umm. . . . has ignoring your problems ever made them go away?\" Image via iStock. Actively think about the fact that you\u2019re unhappy with your body. Force yourself to really think about that. Approach it the same way that you might with any other kind of bad day: Remind yourself that a day is only 24 hours long, and tomorrow might be different. Accept what you have no control over and then focus on what you can change about your outlook. Address it. Stare it in the face. 2. Look at it. This goes back to the question of whether or not ignoring your problems has ever helped them dissipate. And I think that when we try to avoid mirrors, it makes them all the more tempting \u2013 and that\u2019s the opposite of what we need. Just like sitting with your negative feelings, looking at the body that you\u2019re unhappy with puts you in the position of being the boss of your situation. It\u2019s a way of reminding the voices in your head that you are the one in charge here \u2014 and that the smallest shift in thought or intent can turn your whole day around. Do it fully clothed if you want to, but also feel free to do it naked. Run your hands down every part of you. Jiggle your jiggly bits. Show off your musculature (or lack thereof). (Post continues after gallery.) We love these celebrity body image quotes Rebel WilsonThe actress said on Twitter;"}, {"title": "", "text": "non-judgemental they are. It\u2019s draining to spend your life \u2018hiding\u2019 in baggy clothes or spending a small fortune on new clothes because the right outfit might make your problems disappear, but they don\u2019t. Because it\u2019s not JUST your weight or your reflection in the mirror. It\u2019s not even how you feel naked. The truth is, aside from the way you look it\u2019s more about how you FEEL. You\u2019re exhausted. You feel like crap from the time you drag yourself out of bed in the morning, until you crawl back in at night and try desperately to get to sleep. You LIVE off coffee and tea (anything with caffeine), hot a complete WALL by 3pm and CONSTANTLY crave food like chocolate, crisps and cheese. Your body aches in places you didn\u2019t know existed, while your moods are all over the place and you walk around with a mini pharmacy in your bag (Ibufrofen, gaviscon etc). You\u2019re also so bloated some mornings that your trousers literally won\u2019t do up. Listen - I know you\u2019re telling yourself exactly the opposite but THIS IS NOT NORMAL! There is NO SHAME in trying to lose weight and to feel confident and like your old self again. Hi! I\u2019m Ruth and it\u2019s lovely to meet you. I\u2019m a registered nutritionist who works with busy midlifers who are struggling with their weight. I coach them to get rid of cravings so they can reduce their weight and fit into their wardrobe and potentially avoid weight related disease all without having to give up"}, {"title": "", "text": "all my time thinking about my bottom? I have the luxury of being one of the few fortunate women on the planet who are safe and sheltered and fed and watered, and I have the audacity to be unhappy. The only thing I hate more than my bum is my preoccupation with it. A cycle of self-hate: I hate my body and I hate me because I hate my body. And seeing all this written down, it is CRAZY that I don\u2019t think of my body as \u2018me\u2019 but as something that my \u2018self\u2019 is trapped inside. Any concern with appearance is a time tax. Conditioning, colouring, scrubbing, plucking and shopping. Apparently Albert Einstein had loads of suits but they were all exactly the same so he never had to think about what to wear.* He went on to use that saved brainpower to do something very brilliant like invent the car. It\u2019s scary how much of my inner monologue is consumed by debating food choices, berating myself for what I\u2019ve recently eaten and promising I\u2019ll do better. Plus the hours in front of the mirror, prodding, sobbing, trying everything on and deciding not to leave the house. My weight has stopped me doing things, has kept me from parties and dinners and award ceremonies because the stress of attempting to look \u2018nice\u2019 has beaten me. I don\u2019t know if the fact that my job involves people looking at me makes it worse. Comedians put themselves down a lot; it\u2019s an easy source of comedy. At"}, {"title": "", "text": "Hi, I'm Jenn Hand, and what I know deep in every bone of my body is this: the constant struggle battling your weight, your body, and your eating is a reflection of your soul desperately trying to get your attention. It\u2019s whispering to you to give up the fight. Because freedom from this endless, exhausting battle is your natural state\u2026 a state where you feel at ease in your skin, sane around food, and comfortable at your natural weight. Yes, all of that IS possible! For nearly half my life, I obsessed daily over every single morsel I put into my mouth, constantly hid myself and my body because I was ashamed I wasn\u2019t thin enough, and spent endless nights sobbing into my pillow, wondering why can\u2019t I just stop binging? If I spent all of those countless minutes, hours, days and years obsessing over what I ate and how \u201cfat\u201d I looked and did something productive instead, I swear there would be a cure for cancer right now! Those millions of hours could have been spent doing something to change the world\u2026. And now I AM changing the world. One woman at a time. One body, one meal, one negative thought at a time. It is possible to stop worrying and planning what you eat every single day. You can feel comfortable in your skin, eat without guilt, and leave those obsessive negative thoughts behind."}, {"title": "", "text": "criticise every single thing about me, from my hair colour to my weight. And some part of me felt like changing the way I looked would solve so many of my problems. Of course I was wrong, but I was thinking irrationally. And so it started that I was making myself sick. It wasn\u2019t every day, but when it did happen it could be once or twice in a night, at its worst it could be 5 times in the space of a few hours. And in all honesty, at no point did it ever really make me feel better. At no point did I ever love myself any more than I did before being sick. It was all in my head. It got to a point where I didn\u2019t want to do it anymore, I knew it was wrong but I didn\u2019t really know how to stop. Eventually I told my parents what I was doing, and although they didn\u2019t understand it they were very supportive. I then spoke to my counsellor about it, and in time I realised not only how silly I was being for thinking it would solve anything, but how dangerous it was! I\u2019m extremely lucky that I was able to talk about what I was doing whilst it was in its early stages, so that I could get help and stop it before it became something that controlled me. Eating disorders can be so dangerous and can have long lasting effects on the body. And I\u2019m so grateful that I"}, {"title": "", "text": "and you just have to take baby steps. 2. self-care & self-love // look at your self in the mirror and say I love you. I really really love you and try not to crack up because it seems a little funny at the time. But really look at your face, hair, body, skin, freckles and toes and love and appreciate every single piece of energy, cell and fiber that makes up who you are. Love your flaws, they make you even more beautiful and special. You are unique, genuine, one of a kind and there is no other being like you at all on this planet! That in itself is utterly magnificent! **If you are having trouble with this, the things that really work for me are getting a better nights sleep to feel more rested and positive, unplug more, walks outside in nature, eating healthier meals, exercise more often, talking with loved ones in person instead of using the phone and physically pick up and read a book. I will be totally transparent and tell you guys my biggest self image fear. I have the worst stretch marks up both of my sides on my hips. Someone once described them as freddy krueger scars (ballooned that beezy away-you'll see later!!) I have never really shown pictures of them as I use to hate them with every bit of energy in me. Now, I love them, honor them and remember that I got them from 6th-7th grade Summer and grew to my current height at"}, {"title": "", "text": "with myself. I\u2019d lay around after dinner because I had absolutely zero energy to do anything else, only to go to bed and promise myself that I would start my diet again tomorrow. Same thing day-after-day-after-month-after-year, all of my mental energy was spent thinking about my weight. I had no energy and no wish to concentrate on anything else. My weight was my focus. It was the reason I couldn\u2019t do anything else, whether I wanted to or not. I couldn\u2019t do what I really wanted to do unless, and until, I was thin. And that wasn\u2019t happening, so I had a reason to not strive for anything better. Heck, I didn\u2019t even know what else I wanted! I didn\u2019t allow myself to think that deep. Don\u2019t get me wrong \u2013 on the outside my life wasn\u2019t horrible. I was (and am) married to a good man, have a child, a home, a job with great responsibility \u2013 but I hated myself for what I was doing to myself. I was digging my grave with my fork, to quote the great Porter Freeman. I now realize that part of the reason I kept the weight on \u2013 and it was my choice, I can see that now in hindsight \u2013 was because if I didn\u2019t have the weight to focus on, I would have to focus on the other areas of my life that needed work, and that I just wasn\u2019t willing, or able at that point, to undertake that work. I would not have the"}, {"title": "", "text": "Relationships & Love Skin & Makeup Our editors handpick the products that we feature. We may earn money from the links on this page. What You Can Do to Stop Hating Your Body For starters, don't \"wait on the weight.\" By Kimberly Zapata Melissa Ross I\u2019ve struggled with body image most of my life. When I was 13, I loathed my thick thighs and undeveloped breasts. By 14, my stomach became a point of contention. I hated the \u201csoftness\u201d which enveloped my abdomen, hips, and waist, and by 15 said hatred became unhealthy. I developed a full-blown eating disorder. Of course, I am not alone. According to market research group Ipsos, most Americans are dissatisfied with their physical appearance, i.e. 83 percent of women and 74 percent of men do not like what they see in the mirror. So what should you do if you hate your body? Consider taking these steps toward recovery. Determine the cause of your unhappiness and work to change it. \u201cPeople who hate their body usually have these feelings for a number of reasons,\u201d Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones\u2014a clinical psychologist and member of the American Psychological Association and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists\u2014says. \u201cPerhaps they were teased as a child, maybe they have been cheated on... or maybe they don\u2019t feel they compare with someone who they think is extremely attractive. Regardless of the reason, these cognitions can have a serious effect on the way a person views themselves.\u201d As such, it's imperative that you find and"}, {"title": "", "text": "Relationships & Love Skin & Makeup Our editors handpick the products that we feature. We may earn money from the links on this page. What You Can Do to Stop Hating Your Body For starters, don't \"wait on the weight.\" By Kimberly Zapata Melissa Ross I\u2019ve struggled with body image most of my life. When I was 13, I loathed my thick thighs and undeveloped breasts. By 14, my stomach became a point of contention. I hated the \u201csoftness\u201d which enveloped my abdomen, hips, and waist, and by 15 said hatred became unhealthy. I developed a full-blown eating disorder. Of course, I am not alone. According to market research group Ipsos, most Americans are dissatisfied with their physical appearance, i.e. 83 percent of women and 74 percent of men do not like what they see in the mirror. So what should you do if you hate your body? Consider taking these steps toward recovery. Determine the cause of your unhappiness and work to change it. \u201cPeople who hate their body usually have these feelings for a number of reasons,\u201d Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones\u2014a clinical psychologist and member of the American Psychological Association and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists\u2014says. \u201cPerhaps they were teased as a child, maybe they have been cheated on... or maybe they don\u2019t feel they compare with someone who they think is extremely attractive. Regardless of the reason, these cognitions can have a serious effect on the way a person views themselves.\u201d As such, it's imperative that you find and"}, {"title": "", "text": "what your life would look like if you truly felt beautiful. ### Forgive A hallmark of Negative Body Obsession is self-hatred, or its milder yet still destructive cousin, self-dissatisfaction. Many of my clients attack themselves intensely and vigilantly whenever they eat too much or fail to live up to their predetermined standards. Feeling too full or gaining weight can spark hatred, disgust, shame, embarrassment, and an overwhelming sense of failure. Sufferers berate themselves, engaging in mental self-mutilation and verbal abuse. Whenever \u2014 and I mean _whenever_ \u2014 we attack and condemn ourselves, we are attacking the Source and diminishing our connection to it. Another effective way to connect to the Source is through the practice of forgiveness. Talking to Yourself in the Mirror This is a valuable exercise that I have adapted from Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles. Every evening before you go to bed, take off your clothes and stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your body and tell it that you love it. Offer yourself unconditional love and acceptance by repeating: \"I am beautiful; I am beauty.\" I know this can seem like a daunting prospect if you have a habit of hating, or at the very least disliking, your body. For many, this exercise might sound unbearable. \"What, are you crazy?!! Look at myself in a mirror naked?! Never!\" If it seems impossible to complete this exercise, that is okay. Be gentle with yourself. There was a time when I could not stand the idea of looking at myself"}, {"title": "", "text": "began forming relationships with people, I would subconsciously want to make them a better person. I would always push the boat out to be there any way I could. Why? Because I felt I had no one doing this for me and so I gained unimaginable satisfaction from helping others. However, with this came my self-neglect. I focused so much on people that I forgot about myself. The girl that was once the \u2018fat girl\u2019 became the girl that lost 10kg in the space of five months. \u201cOh my God! You have lost SO much weight! How did you do it?!\u201d Suddenly everyone began noticing me. Did I intend on losing weight? No. If anything, I couldn\u2019t control it. A dramatic loss of appetite and all pleasure of eating down the drain, I found my health was the worst it had ever been. I no longer felt like getting out of bed in the morning. I no longer felt like eating. I no longer felt like talking to anybody. I trapped myself. Having to deal with emotional pain constantly, I soon obtained multiple scars on my wrists and even one on my stomach because \u2013 to me \u2013 it was a way of numbing the emotional torment that went on in my head. Sleepless nights did anything but improve my performance in school. People noticed me changing. People noticed me covering up. People noticed me now more than ever. Why? Now, I am none the wiser and stronger than I ever have been. Along my journey"}, {"title": "", "text": "us in a deeply negative state of mind. Indeed, people who have been overweight or obese for a long time (as I was) seem to look upon themselves as \u201cfat\u201d and, therefore, believe that it\u2019s their natural shape no matter what efforts they may make to change it. Others who have experienced regular sicknesses would probably consider themselves as \u201calways sick\u201d or having a \u201cpoor immune system\u201d. This self-defeating mindset deepens over time, and that\u2019s why many people find it so hard to take the first step. Then, even after they start, they still live with the fear of falling back into their \u201cprevious life\u201d and don\u2019t take the time to appreciate their beautiful current state. This was my case the first few months of my journey, especially when I was discovering my new body shape. Fortunately, I was connected with an amazing person who introduced me to the \u201cpersonal development\u201d. I learned that when you decide to take care of your health, your mindset is just as important as your diet. In fact, you need to heal your mind from all the negative thoughts and judgments that you have inflicted on it for many years. The way we think significantly affects our physical state, thus our health. Indeed, although science has proven that a person who eats healthily and exercises regularly is less likely to develop chronic disease like cancer, you may wonder why we still find people who, in spite of following those rules, got cancer or other diseases. One of the main reasons"}, {"title": "", "text": "failed if you don't get to the gym for a full hour, five days a week. Sometimes I get out for a run around the house for 15 minutes before my husband leaves for work and I still feel proud of myself \u2013 I know that every minute counts and 15 minutes today means I will probably do something again tomorrow. It's the small things every day or done regularly that count, not the 60-minute 'perfect' training session that never happens \u2013 that kind of thinking will only doom you to failure because you just can't keep it up. #### Body hatred Having worked with and interviewed many fuller-figured women during my years in the fashion industry, I feel like I have a pretty good insight into body hatred and body dysmorphia. I recall once getting angry with a colleague who walked into our office at the fashion company I worked at and announced to the room that she was 'so fat and felt disgusting'. She was probably a size 10-12 and her comments made me sick to the stomach as there were women in our office much larger than her and I knew in my heart what her comment was doing to their sense of self-esteem. I took her aside and asked her to imagine how the other women in the room must have felt when they heard her comment, to which she replied, 'I've never thought about it like that.' Her self-loathing comments are commonplace in every school, workplace and social setting you can"}, {"title": "", "text": "felt like it had a large ball of hair in it. I panicked. I was alone in a foreign country, and I didn't want to go to a hospital by myself. I decided to remain calm. I turned on a nice hot shower and calmed my breathing. I drank a ton of water, crawled into bed, and I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, many of the symptoms disappeared but I was angry and disgusted with myself: _You know you can't eat dairy. You know bread bothers your stomach. Why did you do that? You are so weak. You need to do a juice cleanse for the rest of the trip and run along the Seine every day so you won't be so gross when you get back home_. HOLD UP! I thought those days were behind me. I hadn't been that mean to myself in years, and I had to break the cycle of negative thoughts. Yes, I did feel incredibly uncomfortable in my body. Yes, I did wish that I hadn't ventured into bread-and-Brie land. But luckily, I had my toolbox, and I knew that making my body the enemy was not the answer. At that moment, I knew that I needed to treat my body like I would treat a loved one. I needed to love it regardless of whether it was five pounds up or down. I needed to love it and let my pure love give it the safety to be exactly as it wanted to be. I"}, {"title": "", "text": "darkness will continue to cloak you. Worse still, you\u2019ll attract like-minded people just like you who thrive on negativity. If, however, you start to love yourself, a remarkable thing will happen \u2013 more love will come to you from other people. If we look for a romantic partner despite hating ourselves, it will be impossible to find a Prince Charming whose heart is full of love. He just won\u2019t come to us until we\u2019ve learned to surround ourselves with love. Love is like an aura that other people can see. The more you transmit, the more right people will be drawn to you, and it\u2019s one of the most important reasons to love yourself. When we don\u2019t even like ourselves, let alone love ourselves, we don\u2019t care all that much about our physical welfare. Who cares if we pig out on junk food? What does it matter that we\u2019re gaining weight? We look and feel disgusting anyway! Such a mindset goes hand in hand with self-loathing, and it can be really damaging to your health. However, once you learn to love yourself, you\u2019re all of a sudden motivated to take good care of your body. Perhaps you start going to the gym, eat the right foods, and do the right things. You want to look and feel healthy, and you\u2019re careful about what you will and won\u2019t eat. You\u2019ve got a reason to care about your health. Because you love yourself! Isn\u2019t it one of good reasons to love yourself? Who doesn\u2019t want to be happier?"}, {"title": "", "text": "darkness will continue to cloak you. Worse still, you\u2019ll attract like-minded people just like you who thrive on negativity. If, however, you start to love yourself, a remarkable thing will happen \u2013 more love will come to you from other people. If we look for a romantic partner despite hating ourselves, it will be impossible to find a Prince Charming whose heart is full of love. He just won\u2019t come to us until we\u2019ve learned to surround ourselves with love. Love is like an aura that other people can see. The more you transmit, the more right people will be drawn to you, and it\u2019s one of the most important reasons to love yourself. When we don\u2019t even like ourselves, let alone love ourselves, we don\u2019t care all that much about our physical welfare. Who cares if we pig out on junk food? What does it matter that we\u2019re gaining weight? We look and feel disgusting anyway! Such a mindset goes hand in hand with self-loathing, and it can be really damaging to your health. However, once you learn to love yourself, you\u2019re all of a sudden motivated to take good care of your body. Perhaps you start going to the gym, eat the right foods, and do the right things. You want to look and feel healthy, and you\u2019re careful about what you will and won\u2019t eat. You\u2019ve got a reason to care about your health. Because you love yourself! Isn\u2019t it one of good reasons to love yourself? Who doesn\u2019t want to be happier?"}, {"title": "", "text": "value is not determined by their shape or size. Enjoy your favorite meal without feelings of guilt or anxiety over calories and fat grams. Donate your jeans and other old clothes that no longer fit your body comfortably to charity. Someone else will appreciate them, and you won\u2019t have to worry about the way they fit anymore. Start each morning by looking in the mirror and saying something nice about yourself out loud. Look through magazines and newspapers, ripping out advertisements, photos and articles that promote negative feelings about weight, body image and food. Talk back to the TV when you see or hear an ad that makes you feel dissatisfied with your body. Read a book that lifts your self-esteem, promotes positive body image, encourages healthy living or helps you overcome stereotypes about social standards of beauty. Put away or throw away your bathroom scale. Throw out all of the diet products in your house. Remind yourself and others that It\u2019s What\u2019s Inside That Counts! The biggest issue with women today, is that they don\u2019t realize that their bodies change as they get older. Instead, they expect the reflection in the mirror to look the same as it was when they were 16 or 25. As we get older, are bodies change shape\u2026. even when maintaining a nutritional diet and exercise program. Good post. I think i have read that list before, but ones of those lists that\u2019s nice to be reminded of."}, {"title": "", "text": "sad, dark and lonely. I was never satisfied with what I looked like or who I was. There was no compliment to be said from a friend, boy or family member that could make me think any differently of myself. I was fat, I was ugly, and most days I was stupid. I overcame this massive struggle in my life that kept me from joy and health; physically, emotionally, mentally and relationally, through a small yet significant shift in perspective. One day, after many years of self-hatred, it hit me that I was going to be far more successful with my health if I stopped eating and working out, out of hatred for myself and started doing it from a place of love for myself. Eating a salad or running a mile out of respect for my body instead of disgust for my body, changed the game. Fueling my motivation this way was far more sustainable than my previous method. This was not something that happened over night, it was and still sometimes is, a daily battle but it is worth it.\" Health is more than lifting weights but a perspective that begins with acting out of love for your body instead of hate. From Bree's story, we come to understand that developing that perspective takes time. Be patient, be diligent, but don't ever act out of self hatred. A StoryJake Vayda March 28, 2017 Comment Cancer was a blur A StoryJake Vayda April 4, 2017 Adapting to depression A StoryJake Vayda March 21, 2017"}, {"title": "", "text": "we _hate_ our body. What a message to send to a living, breathing miracle of cells that make up one of the most amazing machines ever seen on the face of the earth. So let's break this down. Do you hate your body? Did your body wake up and hatch a plan to get fat or unfit without you knowing about it? Did your body create a secret mouth that it feeds without you knowing? Ridiculous isn't it? Yet why isn't it ridiculous that we can actually hate our body when it only reflects how we care for it? Shall we become really honest and authentic with ourselves and actually come to the realisation that what we really hate is how we have treated and cared for our body? ###### Do you really hate your body? Love the fact that your body and mind are full of life; choose to be healthy and happy. If you have had children then you know that from the day we are born and the nine months before that, life is nothing short of a series of miracles. The healing process of a simple paper cut before your very eyes is no less special or beautiful than a camera capturing a flower blooming. Can you see that to mistreat your body is to leave your riches in life on the table? So what should we do? Love your body. Apologise to it. It looks exactly the way you have been treating it. You ought to hate the way you _treat_"}, {"title": "", "text": "hardest one because we basically are walking zombies. But, what I try to do is go to sleep by 9 every night at the latest and hope for at least 4 hours. Ideally, 6-8 is what we want if there is a way to make it happen. I also highly encourage napping when you can. If your husband asks, tell him it\u2019s science- you have to nap. I said so. Try not to get too hungry during the day. Eat a good protein source at every meal and make sure you drink water as much as possible. Focus on fibrous veggies and a side of carbs. This will keep energy up and prevent the binge monster from coming at 6pm when you get home from work. And you\u2019re right. These are not earth shattering revelations. Except, here is the thing. It isn\u2019t the four things I listed here that actually create the magic. It is the permission you give yourself to change your thinking when it comes to what being healthy looks like at different seasons of your life. I can tell you from experience, when you take the pressure off the numbers, the sizes, the physical appearance of fitness and instead focus on how you feel, you\u2019ll be amazed at how good life gets. If you are thinking this is great Kristen, but I don\u2019t know HOW to start any of this. My schedule is crazy, my kid doesn\u2019t sleep, I am stressed. I am in those trenches with you and I am here for"}, {"title": "", "text": "hardest one because we basically are walking zombies. But, what I try to do is go to sleep by 9 every night at the latest and hope for at least 4 hours. Ideally, 6-8 is what we want if there is a way to make it happen. I also highly encourage napping when you can. If your husband asks, tell him it\u2019s science- you have to nap. I said so. Try not to get too hungry during the day. Eat a good protein source at every meal and make sure you drink water as much as possible. Focus on fibrous veggies and a side of carbs. This will keep energy up and prevent the binge monster from coming at 6pm when you get home from work. And you\u2019re right. These are not earth shattering revelations. Except, here is the thing. It isn\u2019t the four things I listed here that actually create the magic. It is the permission you give yourself to change your thinking when it comes to what being healthy looks like at different seasons of your life. I can tell you from experience, when you take the pressure off the numbers, the sizes, the physical appearance of fitness and instead focus on how you feel, you\u2019ll be amazed at how good life gets. If you are thinking this is great Kristen, but I don\u2019t know HOW to start any of this. My schedule is crazy, my kid doesn\u2019t sleep, I am stressed. I am in those trenches with you and I am here for"}, {"title": "", "text": "you can't reach this place, you may always feel lacking. And I definitely have to agree with your point about starting a blog. All of these things can contribute to negative feelings about the body. Being a stay at home mom all day every day and having to uproot to different locations every few years because of my husbands job has not been easy for me. Living in London can be a pain at times, especially when the weather is bad, which can demotivate anyone to take a walk lol What an awesome list. Eventually, a false idea of beauty which is not only difficult to achieve but also is discriminatory in nature is cropped up in people's mind. You could, for example, limit yourself to 2 hours of social media time each day. I've felt like no one likes me because I haven't had a best friend in 5 years and never had a boyfriend. Be kind to your body as you work out. Every time you fuel your body with healthy food you are doing your body wonders! We'd advocate ditching the scales altogether, but if you have to weigh yourself do so once a week at the same time wearing the same clothes or no clothes. I use only clean products that are good for your skin. To help yourself feel better, you should think about the things you like about yourself. It is okay to have frustrations without your body and still love the way you look overall. This in turn can"}, {"title": "", "text": "then have to make myself sick after it. I felt so unhappy at this point in life. I hated the voice in my head telling me what to do about food but I couldn\u2019t fight it. Each evening I would get into bed and wish I would not wake up. I didn\u2019t know how I could live with this voice in my head forever but I also didn\u2019t know how I could live without it. I didn\u2019t understand why people were trying to take this anorexia away from me when to me it was everything I wanted and needed. When I arrived in hospital I still couldn\u2019t quite grasp why I was there and I felt completely fed up. Over the next year I had to face the biggest challenge of my life. I had to accept I had something the matter, I had to accept that life without anorexia was going to be better, and I had to learn how to talk and eat again. Over that year I needed a fair amount of reassurance that something was the matter and I had to learn to trust the professionals with my care. I knew that if I didn\u2019t eat and put on the weight I wouldn\u2019t be allowed out of hospital so I used this remind myself something was the matter. I also would often remind myself of the facts about my appearance and this helped me stay on top of those feelings that maybe people were making things up. Q. What led you to"}, {"title": "", "text": "I\u2019m puzzled that we\u2019ve come to associate the body with shame. We\u2019ve come to view our body as something rather foreign, when it is something we ought to be as intimate with as we possibly can. Along with the brain, it is possibly the most awe-worthy thing about our existence, yet one of the biggest sources of responsibility. The body is like a helpless child \u2013 a fragile treasure that must constantly be cared for, nurtured, and carefully watched over by Mother Brain. We are at odds with its power and what it can do to us if we left it to its own devices. Without a watchful guardian, it would fall apart \u2013 slowly, but surely, and can be difficult to turn around. Muscles atrophy, leaving nothing to support the bones and organs. Fat would move in and make itself at home, cluttering up your body. And then the power shifts \u2013 instead of you having control over your body, it starts to control you. You move in accordance with what your body wants and not what you want your body to do. You become sleepy during the day yet sleepless at night; you become irritable, constantly feeling out of control; and worse yet, you begin to hate it. But even despite the natural aging process, the body has an amazing ability to adapt. When you start to lift heavy objects, it responds: \u201cYou want to lift heavy things, I\u2019ll give you muscles to make it easier!\u201d When you start to run regularly, it responds:"}, {"title": "", "text": "I\u2019m puzzled that we\u2019ve come to associate the body with shame. We\u2019ve come to view our body as something rather foreign, when it is something we ought to be as intimate with as we possibly can. Along with the brain, it is possibly the most awe-worthy thing about our existence, yet one of the biggest sources of responsibility. The body is like a helpless child \u2013 a fragile treasure that must constantly be cared for, nurtured, and carefully watched over by Mother Brain. We are at odds with its power and what it can do to us if we left it to its own devices. Without a watchful guardian, it would fall apart \u2013 slowly, but surely, and can be difficult to turn around. Muscles atrophy, leaving nothing to support the bones and organs. Fat would move in and make itself at home, cluttering up your body. And then the power shifts \u2013 instead of you having control over your body, it starts to control you. You move in accordance with what your body wants and not what you want your body to do. You become sleepy during the day yet sleepless at night; you become irritable, constantly feeling out of control; and worse yet, you begin to hate it. But even despite the natural aging process, the body has an amazing ability to adapt. When you start to lift heavy objects, it responds: \u201cYou want to lift heavy things, I\u2019ll give you muscles to make it easier!\u201d When you start to run regularly, it responds:"}, {"title": "", "text": "to hate your body. You're stuck with it and to me, it was a painful reminder of every failure and imperfection in my life. Sad isn't it? Soul destroyingly sad. That's why I had to change. You only have one body. It does so many wonderful things. It doesn't deserve to be hated. Sorry to break it to you, but you are indeed stuck with it! (Unless you can afford to go through surgery of course.) So you might as well save your energy, money and accept it. My body has been through a lot. Hatred, starvation, pain and over indulgence. It has changed a lot, I've seen it change shapes and weight but finally I have come to a point where I'm happy with it. It may not be toned and yes I have a few wobbly bits, but they're mine and I loved that chocolate oreo cheesecake. Yet I walk into a room with confidence, the girl who would find a corner to hide in is long gone as I now \"work the room\", as they say. From years of wanting the small frail frame, I now shiver at the thought. I have a strong frame of a 21 year old woman. I want to travel, work hard and enjoy every aspect that life has to offer. I refuse to let any negative thoughts about myself cloud my mind and diminish my opportunity to enjoy the life I can live. That is why I am not afraid to love my body and show it."}, {"title": "", "text": "\u201cI hate you and I wish I wasn\u2019t you.\u201d I would fantasize how my life would be different if I were not overweight. One day I snapped and tried to kill myself because I didn\u2019t want to go on living like this anymore. I ended up in the care of a child psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with major depression and started me on a cycle of Zoloft. I was only 13 years old when this happened and I remember the next day going into school trying to pretend I didn\u2019t try to kill myself the day before. Flash forward 7 years. About a year abstinent from anorexia and bulimia my body dysmorphia crept back into my life. At one point during a photo shoot, someone made a comment that my skin was red. The way it came out of his mouth made me feel vulnerable and ashamed. It sounded to me that it was going to keep me from being successful. Successful in my eyes was acceptance. I based my self-worth upon acceptance from my peers. If I didn\u2019t feel accepted, I felt alone and ashamed. My only way of coping with shame at the time was through self-hate. Out of fear, I spent the next six months researching on why my skin was red and finally got a diagnosis of Rosacea. I remember hiding my self by wearing a ball cap below my eyes and big sunglasses to cover half of my face. I didn\u2019t want to be seen and it was my only way"}, {"title": "", "text": "\u201cI hate you and I wish I wasn\u2019t you.\u201d I would fantasize how my life would be different if I were not overweight. One day I snapped and tried to kill myself because I didn\u2019t want to go on living like this anymore. I ended up in the care of a child psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with major depression and started me on a cycle of Zoloft. I was only 13 years old when this happened and I remember the next day going into school trying to pretend I didn\u2019t try to kill myself the day before. Flash forward 7 years. About a year abstinent from anorexia and bulimia my body dysmorphia crept back into my life. At one point during a photo shoot, someone made a comment that my skin was red. The way it came out of his mouth made me feel vulnerable and ashamed. It sounded to me that it was going to keep me from being successful. Successful in my eyes was acceptance. I based my self-worth upon acceptance from my peers. If I didn\u2019t feel accepted, I felt alone and ashamed. My only way of coping with shame at the time was through self-hate. Out of fear, I spent the next six months researching on why my skin was red and finally got a diagnosis of Rosacea. I remember hiding my self by wearing a ball cap below my eyes and big sunglasses to cover half of my face. I didn\u2019t want to be seen and it was my only way"}, {"title": "", "text": "read somewhere that you can change the way you are feeling by changing the way you dress-up or by adopting a new style for the moment. Our body is something that will remain changed for long, it\u2019s more than a usual or occasional make-up, it\u2019s something that we wear every day, even when we are asleep. We must take some time out to take care of ourselves, our physical and mental health. I have never heard that someone died because they spent 10-15 minutes exercising every day (Side-note: people do die even after doing exercises!). If you are skinny, try and put on some weight, work towards your desirable self; if you are fat, work towards losing a few pounds, work towards what you think will improve your personality, work towards what you think will improve your own perception of yourself."}, {"title": "", "text": "When I see my body, nothing I see is attached to reality. My body dismorphia has made my perception of myself be skewed for the past 3-4 years. In my mind I\u2019m this wide hipped, big armed, weird bellied, funny faced looking monster. This sort of negativity changes the way I live day to day. If I go to an audition and I feel particularly lardish, for the next two weeks I\u2019ll work out like 5 hours a day and eat only greens until my focus shifts. It sounds really manic and it is. The lengths I go to in order to \u201cbetter\u201d myself are extreme. If I could love myself as I am, my time would be filled so much better. I mean this mania certainly shows I\u2019ve got a real work ethic and drive- if I could love myself all the time as I am, I would be able to fully give myself to the people I love and the things I love to do. It sounds like I\u2019m always manic and hateful about this stuff. I recognize by many standards I meet some sort of appropriate level of attractiveness. I am aware and grateful for the privileges my skin color and appearance have given me. But somewhere along the way I was taught to hate myself and everyday I am trying to learn to undo the lesson inside of myself. I would love to see my stomach differently. I know it\u2019s cliche but it\u2019s true. I send a lot of hate to my"}, {"title": "", "text": "despair. All of the sudden I was body-checking again. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it is exactly what it sounds like.) I would walk up to the mirror sideways instead of face-first like a person would normally do. I would spend so much time looking for flaws, and I would find plenty of them. ED loves it when you hate yourself. After poking and prodding and turning and staring I would always walk away dissatisfied and disgusted. Eventually it got to the point that I hated my reflection so much that I stopped looking all together. I spent my days in my pajamas, not bothering to shower or get dressed because what was the point? It wasn't until my best friend verbally slapped me that I snapped out of it. She came by to visit one night shortly before she left for treatment. We were about to go outside so I took my sweater off and put on my coat. My head was down as I was putting on my boots when she said, \"What are you, not eating??\" I literally froze. I hadn't really truly realized how bad things were until she said those words. It was like everything came tumbling down all at once. All of the sudden I was able to see myself through everyone else's eyes and not my own ED goggles...and it wasn't a pretty sight. I needed to change things, and change them fast. It wasn't easy, and every bone in my body was screaming"}, {"title": "", "text": "despair. All of the sudden I was body-checking again. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it is exactly what it sounds like.) I would walk up to the mirror sideways instead of face-first like a person would normally do. I would spend so much time looking for flaws, and I would find plenty of them. ED loves it when you hate yourself. After poking and prodding and turning and staring I would always walk away dissatisfied and disgusted. Eventually it got to the point that I hated my reflection so much that I stopped looking all together. I spent my days in my pajamas, not bothering to shower or get dressed because what was the point? It wasn't until my best friend verbally slapped me that I snapped out of it. She came by to visit one night shortly before she left for treatment. We were about to go outside so I took my sweater off and put on my coat. My head was down as I was putting on my boots when she said, \"What are you, not eating??\" I literally froze. I hadn't really truly realized how bad things were until she said those words. It was like everything came tumbling down all at once. All of the sudden I was able to see myself through everyone else's eyes and not my own ED goggles...and it wasn't a pretty sight. I needed to change things, and change them fast. It wasn't easy, and every bone in my body was screaming"}, {"title": "", "text": "were in the water, walking on the sand, playing with their kids, letting it all hang out. And here I was, young and thin and half encased in spandex. I looked around me to make sure that I didn't know anyone, and I just thought, Screw it. I peeled off the bike pants, and I was fluorescent white underneath. I went into the ocean for the first time in years. I'm sure I cried from the shame and sadness. The whole charade was just so pathetic\u2014and exhausting. I so badly wanted to be a normal person. I was surrounded by people who weren't supermodels by any stretch, but they all seemed comfortable in their skin\u2014or at least comfortable enough to wear a bathing suit in full view and jump in the water on the hottest day of the year. Why was I such a loser? Such a freak? That internal monologue of hate speech was familiar to me. Whenever I'd inevitably fall off my dieting wagon and binge on candy, I'd wake up the next morning with a headache and a sick feeling in my stomach. Then I'd be positively evil to myself. I'd tell myself that I was weak, gross, disgusting. For the next several days I would physically punish myself. I'd drink liters of water but wouldn't eat until after 4:00 p.m., at which point I'd allow myself a head of lettuce. Then I'd go for an eight-mile run. It wasn't just that I had a crazy notion that eating a bowl of ice"}, {"title": "", "text": "of the evening until I got home and decided I was a little peckish so had some fruit and a hot choc before bed, its totally strange, I really can\u2019t believe it, everything is different and so so much better. I feel great about my self, as you said, I feel confident and like I am \u2018dazzling\u2019!! I\u2019m not quite sure what my boyfriend quite knew what to think when I got undressed for bed with the lights on rather than off, something I would never have done before but I thaught to myself, I have a nice body and why hide it! Similar thaughts must of being going through my head when I baught a brand new and rather revealing dress shopping last night, I thaught to myself, \u2018I can wear that, why not\u2019! I seem to be more motivated with everything, when my alarm went off this morning, instead of my old thinking of \u2018I really dont want to get up, I am not ready to face the day, I simply thaught \u2018oh better get up, things I want to do and want to make a start, I felt refreshed and alive and in years I have never felt like that!! As Tim\u2019s\u2019 ability to correct bulimia had become more and more well known his prices rose substantially. For this reason and in order to make sure that nobody was \u201cpriced out\u201d Tim created a complete self help audio system for correcting bulimia nervosa. It\u2019s that system that\u2019s available here. It\u2019s a large system"}, {"title": "", "text": "of the evening until I got home and decided I was a little peckish so had some fruit and a hot choc before bed, its totally strange, I really can\u2019t believe it, everything is different and so so much better. I feel great about my self, as you said, I feel confident and like I am \u2018dazzling\u2019!! I\u2019m not quite sure what my boyfriend quite knew what to think when I got undressed for bed with the lights on rather than off, something I would never have done before but I thaught to myself, I have a nice body and why hide it! Similar thaughts must of being going through my head when I baught a brand new and rather revealing dress shopping last night, I thaught to myself, \u2018I can wear that, why not\u2019! I seem to be more motivated with everything, when my alarm went off this morning, instead of my old thinking of \u2018I really dont want to get up, I am not ready to face the day, I simply thaught \u2018oh better get up, things I want to do and want to make a start, I felt refreshed and alive and in years I have never felt like that!! As Tim\u2019s\u2019 ability to correct bulimia had become more and more well known his prices rose substantially. For this reason and in order to make sure that nobody was \u201cpriced out\u201d Tim created a complete self help audio system for correcting bulimia nervosa. It\u2019s that system that\u2019s available here. It\u2019s a large system"}, {"title": "", "text": "of sleep because you didn't work out. If you make the decision to skip it, then own that and keep moving forward. Health isn't just about what is on our plates. There is another large part that is about getting outside, being social, exercising, having stimulating conversation, feeling emotionally fulfilled, having supportive relationships, being financially secure, being spiritual, having a comfortable environment to live in, taking time for yourself, pursuing new hobbies, etc. Take a look at all aspects of your life and see what is lacking and what is flourishing. Be honest with yourself. If you feel a certain area is deficient, give it some love and attention. Small acts can make a big difference. The way that most people talk to themselves is just plain awful. I once saw a quote that said, \"you would never talk to a friend the way that you talk to yourself.\" It's very easy to be extremely judgmental and hard on ourselves. Trust me, I know. But, we need to start loving and respecting ourselves more. When you begin to show yourself some more acceptance and compassion, you won't want to disrespect it by feeding it garbage. Once I began reading food labels, I was blown away with all the crap I was putting into my beloved body. I didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted to be clean and free of toxins from the inside out. Furthermore, when I began to learn about all the magnificent side effects of whole foods, I wanted more and more."}, {"title": "", "text": "

Rachel

Question: How long ago were you diagnosed with breast cancer?

Rachel: I was diagnosed in February 2006.

Question: How did the consequent treatment phase affect you physically/emotionally?

Rachel: I first had surgery then chemotherapy and radiotherapy, which lasted until September last year. Physically it left me ill and exhausted, which made looking after my daughter who was one at the time, very challenging. I put on 8 kilos just through the total inactivity and the affect it has on your metabolism. Emotionally, it was very difficult at the start, to come to terms with being told I had a life threatening illness. It was also very hard to see what the treatment was doing to my body and my overall appearance, by the end of it, my self esteem was at an all time low.

Question: How did you decide what course of action you would take to reclaim your health and strength?

Rachel: During chemotherapy, I just had to have something to look forward to at the end of my treatment. I hated the way I felt and the way I looked, I really had to reclaim my life. That was when I contacted Donna, I first met her 5 months before I finished treatment and I was so excited that I booked"}], "hoverinfo": "text"}, {"x": [-0.15795999765396118, -0.1858198493719101, -0.17610102891921997, -0.26154738664627075, -0.2245779037475586, -0.2608022689819336, -0.2536802887916565, -0.25144219398498535, -0.26706111431121826, -0.26628977060317993, -0.18622228503227234, -0.1543349325656891, -0.22072088718414307, -0.24209952354431152, -0.2675360441207886, -0.18034477531909943, -0.1720387190580368, -0.27372995018959045, -0.18970590829849243, -0.2941826581954956, -0.24387401342391968, -0.23966144025325775, -0.20323093235492706, -0.2502481937408447, -0.29501575231552124, -0.24612301588058472, -0.2648157775402069, -0.24001102149486542, -0.2648007273674011, -0.2814987301826477, -0.26038992404937744, -0.23684459924697876, -0.20587807893753052, -0.24291855096817017, -0.20132318139076233, -0.1975335329771042, -0.14876602590084076, -0.20238760113716125, -0.24025431275367737, -0.2610088288784027, -0.27457287907600403, -0.21734285354614258, -0.13938187062740326, -0.2652619183063507, -0.21664714813232422, -0.2459496110677719], "y": [-0.07928695529699326, -0.1005762442946434, -0.08980626612901688, -0.11394183337688446, -0.021686473861336708, -0.10877300053834915, -0.08189161121845245, -0.12263338267803192, -0.09455252438783646, -0.13524244725704193, -0.06782615184783936, -0.123275987803936, -0.11248067766427994, -0.1002817302942276, -0.045292142778635025, -0.14891289174556732, -0.08859498053789139, -0.1083676666021347, -0.12409850209951401, -0.07424256950616837, -0.08046416938304901, -0.08009781688451767, -0.04747939109802246, -0.09874860942363739, -0.12060164660215378, -0.13453124463558197, -0.04235558211803436, -0.06175990775227547, -0.11217428743839264, -0.09151296317577362, -0.13793857395648956, -0.06231699138879776, -0.06265751272439957, -0.13666200637817383, -0.1170152798295021, -0.08980866521596909, -0.12874288856983185, -0.08134713023900986, -0.10850886255502701, -0.06282255798578262, -0.10501754283905029, -0.05754447355866432, -0.1449132114648819, -0.09623488038778305, -0.06687899678945541, -0.11425875872373581], "mode": "markers", "name": "Cluster 7", "marker": {"size": 8, "color": "rgb(252,205,229)"}, "text": ["Document 1001", "Document 1010", "Document 1013", "Document 1021", "Document 1025", "Document 1034", "Document 1037", "Document 1050", "Document 1066", "Document 1071", "Document 1077", "Document 1097", "Document 1108", "Document 1111", "Document 1114", "Document 1127", "Document 1146", "Document 1154", "Document 1163", "Document 1178", "Document 1190", "Document 1199", "Document 1224", "Document 1228", "Document 1239", "Document 1242", "Document 1259", "Document 1279", "Document 1283", "Document 1309", "Document 1336", "Document 1344", "Document 1345", "Document 1353", "Document 1368", "Document 1377", "Document 1379", "Document 1395", "Document 1398", "Document 1410", "Document 1411", "Document 1413", "Document 1417", "Document 1431", "Document 1452", "Document 1488"], "customdata": [{"title": "", "text": "darkness which the blind do see: Save that my soul's imaginary sight Presents thy shadow to my sightless view, Which, like a jewel (hung in ghastly night, Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new. Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind, For thee, and for myself, no quiet find. ### XXVIII ### How can I then return in happy plight, That am debarre'd the benefit of rest? When day's oppression is not eas'd by night, But day by night and night by day oppress'd, And each, though enemies to either's reign, Do in consent shake hands to torture me, The one by toil, the other to complain How far I toil, still farther off from thee. I tell the day, to please him thou art bright, And dost him grace when clouds do blot the heaven: So flatter I the swart-complexion'd night, When sparkling stars twire not thou gild'st the even. But day doth daily draw my sorrows longer, And night doth nightly make grief's length seem stronger. ### XXIX ### When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself, and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd, Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope, With what I most enjoy contented least; Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising, Haply I think on thee,-- and then my state,"}, {"title": "", "text": "Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate; For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings That then I scorn to change my state with kings. ### XXX ### When to the sessions of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste: Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, For precious friends hid in death's dateless night, And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight: Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, Which I new pay as if not paid before. But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, All losses are restor'd and sorrows end. ### XXXI ### Thy bosom is endeared with all hearts, Which I by lacking have supposed dead; And there reigns Love, and all Love's loving parts, And all those friends which I thought buried. How many a holy and obsequious tear Hath dear religious love stol'n from mine eye, As interest of the dead, which now appear But things remov'd that hidden in thee lie! Thou art the grave where buried love doth live, Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone, Who all their parts of me to thee did give, That due of many now is thine alone: Their images"}, {"title": "", "text": "found that loss; Both find each other, and I lose both twain, And both for my sake lay on me this cross: But here's the joy; my friend and I are one; Sweet flattery! then she loves but me alone. ### XLIII ### When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see, For all the day they view things unrespected; But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee, And darkly bright, are bright in dark directed. Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright, How would thy shadow's form form happy show To the clear day with thy much clearer light, When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so! How would, I say, mine eyes be blessed made By looking on thee in the living day, When in dead night thy fair imperfect shade Through heavy sleep on sightless eyes doth stay! All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me. ### XLIV ### If the dull substance of my flesh were thought, Injurious distance should not stop my way; For then despite of space I would be brought, From limits far remote, where thou dost stay. No matter then although my foot did stand Upon the farthest earth remov'd from thee; For nimble thought can jump both sea and land, As soon as think the place where he would be. But, ah! thought kills me that I am not thought, To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone, But"}, {"title": "", "text": "at your window, To be your Valentine. Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes, And dupp'd the chamber-door; Let in the maid, that out a maid Never departed more. KING CLAUDIUS Pretty Ophelia! OPHELIA Indeed, la, without an oath, I'll make an end on't: Sings By Gis and by Saint Charity, Alack, and fie for shame! Young men will do't, if they come to't; By cock, they are to blame. Quoth she, before you tumbled me, You promised me to wed. So would I ha' done, by yonder sun, An thou hadst not come to my bed. KING CLAUDIUS How long hath she been thus? OPHELIA I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him i' the cold ground. My brother shall know of it: and so I thank you for your good counsel. Come, my coach! Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night. Exit KING CLAUDIUS Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you. Exit HORATIO O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude, When sorrows come, they come not single spies But in battalions. First, her father slain: Next, your son gone; and he most violent author Of his own just remove: the people muddied, Thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers, For good Polonius' death; and we have done but greenly, In"}, {"title": "", "text": "and update your internet browser today!

SCENE. Court of Macbeth's castle.

(Enter BANQUO, and FLEANCE bearing a torch before him)

BANQUO
How goes the night, boy?

FLEANCE
The moon is down; I have not heard the clock.

BANQUO
And she goes down at twelve.

FLEANCE
I take't, 'tis later, sir.

BANQUO
Hold, take my sword. There's husbandry in heaven;
Their candles are all out. Take thee that too.
A heavy summons lies like lead upon me,
And yet I would not sleep: merciful powers,
Restrain in me the cursed thoughts that nature
Gives way to in repose!

(Enter MACBETH, and a Servant with a torch)

Give me my sword.
Who's there?

MACBETH
A friend.

BANQUO
What, sir, not yet at rest? The king's a-bed:
He hath been in unusual pleasure, and
Sent forth great largess to your offices.
This diamond he greets your wife withal,
By the name of most kind hostess; and shut up
In measureless content.

MACBETH
Being unprepared,
Our will became the servant to defect;
Which else should free have wrought.

BANQUO
All's well.
I dreamt last night of the three weird sisters:
To you they have show'd some truth.

MACBETH
I think not of them:
Yet, when we can entreat an hour to serve,
We would spend it in some"}, {"title": "", "text": "your window To be your Valentine. Then vp he rose, and dond his close, and dupt the chamber doore, Let in the maide, that out a maide, neuer departed more. King. Pretty Ophelia. Oph. Indeede without an oath Ile make an end on't, By gis and by Saint Charitie, alack and fie for shame, Young men will doo't if they come too't, by Cock they are too blame. Quoth she, Before you tumbled me, you promisd me to wed, (He answers.) So would I a done by yonder sunne And thou hadst not come to my bed. King. How long hath she beene thus? Oph. I hope all will be well, we must be patient, but I cannot chuse but weepe to thinke they would lay him i'th cold ground, my brother shall know of it, and so I thanke you for your good counsaile. Come my Coach, God night Ladies, god night, Sweet Ladyes god night, god night. King. Follow her close, giue her good watch I pray you. O this is the poyson of deepe griefe, it springs All from her Fathers death, and now behold, o Gertrard, Gertrard, When sorrows come, they come not single spyes, But in battalians: first her"}, {"title": "", "text": "chamber. Exeunt Re-enter Servants severally NATHANIEL Peter, didst ever see the like? PETER He kills her in her own humour. Re-enter CURTIS GRUMIO Where is he? CURTIS In her chamber, making a sermon of continency to her; And rails, and swears, and rates, that she, poor soul, Knows not which way to stand, to look, to speak, And sits as one new-risen from a dream. Away, away! for he is coming hither. Exeunt Re-enter PETRUCHIO PETRUCHIO Thus have I politicly begun my reign, And 'tis my hope to end successfully. My falcon now is sharp and passing empty; And till she stoop she must not be full-gorged, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way I have to man my haggard, To make her come and know her keeper's call, That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites That bate and beat and will not be obedient. She eat no meat to-day, nor none shall eat; Last night she slept not, nor to-night she shall not; As with the meat, some undeserved fault I'll find about the making of the bed; And here I'll fling the pillow, there the bolster, This way the coverlet, another way the sheets: Ay, and amid this hurly I intend That all is done in reverend care of her; And in conclusion she shall watch all night: And if she chance to nod I'll rail and brawl And with the clamour keep her still awake. This is"}, {"title": "", "text": "and let them tell thee tales Of woeful ages long ago betid; And ere thou bid good night, to quit their griefs, Tell thou the lamentable tale of me And send the hearers weeping to their beds: For why, the senseless brands will sympathize The heavy accent of thy moving tongue And in compassion weep the fire out; And some will mourn in ashes, some coal-black, For the deposing of a rightful king. Enter NORTHUMBERLAND and others NORTHUMBERLAND My lord, the mind of Bolingbroke is changed: You must to Pomfret, not unto the Tower. And, madam, there is order ta'en for you; With all swift speed you must away to France. KING RICHARD II Northumberland, thou ladder wherewithal The mounting Bolingbroke ascends my throne, The time shall not be many hours of age More than it is ere foul sin gathering head Shalt break into corruption: thou shalt think, Though he divide the realm and give thee half, It is too little, helping him to all; And he shall think that thou, which know'st the way To plant unrightful kings, wilt know again, Being ne'er so little urged, another way To pluck him headlong from the usurped throne. The love of wicked men converts to fear; That fear to hate, and hate turns one or both To worthy danger and deserved death. NORTHUMBERLAND My guilt be on my head, and there an end. Take leave and part; for you must part forthwith. KING RICHARD II Doubly divorced! Bad"}, {"title": "", "text": "rose again? GREMIO Trembled and shook; for why, he stamp'd and swore, As if the vicar meant to cozen him. But after many ceremonies done, He calls for wine: 'A health!' quoth he, as if He had been aboard, carousing to his mates After a storm; quaff'd off the muscadel And threw the sops all in the sexton's face; Having no other reason But that his beard grew thin and hungerly And seem'd to ask him sops as he was drinking. This done, he took the bride about the neck And kiss'd her lips with such a clamorous smack That at the parting all the church did echo: And I seeing this came thence for very shame; And after me, I know, the rout is coming. Such a mad marriage never was before: Hark, hark! I hear the minstrels play. Music Re-enter PETRUCHIO, KATHARINA, BIANCA, BAPTISTA, HORTENSIO, GRUMIO, and Train PETRUCHIO Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains: I know you think to dine with me to-day, And have prepared great store of wedding cheer; But so it is, my haste doth call me hence, And therefore here I mean to take my leave. BAPTISTA Is't possible you will away to-night? PETRUCHIO I must away to-day, before night come: Make it no wonder; if you knew my business, You would entreat me rather go than stay. And, honest company, I thank you all, That have beheld me give away myself To this most patient, sweet and"}, {"title": "", "text": "traitor, My name be blotted from the book of life, And I from heaven banish'd as from hence! But what thou art, God, thou, and I do know; And all too soon, I fear, the king shall rue. Farewell, my liege. Now no way can I stray; Save back to England, all the world's my way. Exit KING RICHARD II Uncle, even in the glasses of thine eyes I see thy grieved heart: thy sad aspect Hath from the number of his banish'd years Pluck'd four away. To HENRY BOLINGBROKE Six frozen winter spent, Return with welcome home from banishment. HENRY BOLINGBROKE How long a time lies in one little word! Four lagging winters and four wanton springs End in a word: such is the breath of kings. JOHN OF GAUNT I thank my liege, that in regard of me He shortens four years of my son's exile: But little vantage shall I reap thereby; For, ere the six years that he hath to spend Can change their moons and bring their times about My oil-dried lamp and time-bewasted light Shall be extinct with age and endless night; My inch of taper will be burnt and done, And blindfold death not let me see my son. KING RICHARD II Why uncle, thou hast many years to live. JOHN OF GAUNT But not a minute, king, that thou canst give: Shorten my days thou canst with sullen sorrow, And pluck nights from me, but not lend a"}, {"title": "", "text": "of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain.

HAMLET
O, throw away the worser part of it,
And live the purer with the other half.
Good night: but go not to mine uncle's bed;
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either [ ] the devil, or throw him out
With wondrous potency. Once more, good night:
And when you are desirous to be bless'd,
I'll blessing beg of you. For this same lord,

(Pointing to POLONIUS)

I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will bestow him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
One"}, {"title": "", "text": "touches prone, Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited To any sensual feast with thee alone: But my five wits nor my five senses can Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee, Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man, Thy proud heart's slave and vassal wretch to be: Only my plague thus far I count my gain, That she that makes me sin awards me pain. ### CXLII ### Love is my sin, and thy dear virtue hate, Hate of my sin, grounded on sinful loving: O! but with mine compare thou thine own state, And thou shalt find it merits not reproving; Or, if it do, not from those lips of thine, That have profan'd their scarlet ornaments And seal'd false bonds of love as oft as mine, Robb'd others' beds' revenues of their rents. Be it lawful I love thee, as thou lov'st those Whom thine eyes woo as mine importune thee: Root pity in thy heart, that, when it grows, Thy pity may deserve to pitied be. If thou dost seek to have what thou dost hide, By self-example mayst thou be denied! ### CXLIII ### Lo, as a careful housewife runs to catch One of her feather'd creatures broke away, Sets down her babe, and makes all swift dispatch In pursuit of the thing she would have stay; Whilst her neglected child holds her in chase, Cries to catch her whose busy care is bent To follow that which flies before her face, Not prizing her poor infant's discontent; So"}, {"title": "", "text": "even now, In quarter, and in terms like bride and groom Devesting them for bed; and then, but now-- As if some planet had unwitted men-- Swords out, and tilting one at other's breast, In opposition bloody. I cannot speak Any beginning to this peevish odds; And would in action glorious I had lost Those legs that brought me to a part of it! OTHELLO How comes it, Michael, you are thus forgot? CASSIO I pray you, pardon me; I cannot speak. OTHELLO Worthy Montano, you were wont be civil; The gravity and stillness of your youth The world hath noted, and your name is great In mouths of wisest censure: what's the matter, That you unlace your reputation thus And spend your rich opinion for the name Of a night-brawler? give me answer to it. MONTANO Worthy Othello, I am hurt to danger: Your officer, Iago, can inform you,-- While I spare speech, which something now offends me,-- Of all that I do know: nor know I aught By me that's said or done amiss this night; Unless self-charity be sometimes a vice, And to defend ourselves it be a sin When violence assails us. OTHELLO Now, by heaven, My blood begins my safer guides to rule; And passion, having my best judgment collied, Assays to lead the way: if I once stir, Or do but lift this arm, the best of you Shall sink in my rebuke. Give me to know How this foul"}, {"title": "", "text": "my sport and profit. I hate the Moor: And it is thought abroad, that 'twixt my sheets He has done my office: I know not if't be true; But I, for mere suspicion in that kind, Will do as if for surety. He holds me well; The better shall my purpose work on him. Cassio's a proper man: let me see now: To get his place and to plume up my will In double knavery--How, how? Let's see:-- After some time, to abuse Othello's ear That he is too familiar with his wife. He hath a person and a smooth dispose To be suspected, framed to make women false. The Moor is of a free and open nature, That thinks men honest that but seem to be so, And will as tenderly be led by the nose As asses are. I have't. It is engender'd. Hell and night Must bring this monstrous birth to the world's light. Exit Enter MONTANO and two Gentlemen MONTANO What from the cape can you discern at sea? First Gentleman Nothing at all: it is a highwrought flood; I cannot, 'twixt the heaven and the main, Descry a sail. MONTANO Methinks the wind hath spoke aloud at land; A fuller blast ne'er shook our battlements: If it hath ruffian'd so upon the sea, What ribs of oak, when mountains melt on them, Can hold the mortise? What shall we"}, {"title": "", "text": "Away, you rogue, away! I am sleepy.

1. ABHORSON
2. Tell him he must awake, and that quickly too.

1. POMPEY
2. Pray, Master Barnardine, awake till you are
3. executed, and sleep afterwards.

1. ABHORSON
2. Go in to him, and fetch him out.

1. POMPEY
2. He is coming, sir, he is coming; I hear his straw rustle.

1. ABHORSON
2. Is the axe upon the block, sirrah?

1. POMPEY
2. Very ready, sir.

Enter BARNARDINE

1. BARNARDINE
2. How now, Abhorson? what's the news with you?

1. ABHORSON
2. Truly, sir, I would desire you to clap into your
3. prayers; for, look you, the warrant's come.

1. BARNARDINE
2. You rogue, I have been drinking all night; I am not
3. fitted for 't.

1. POMPEY
2. O, the better, sir; for he that drinks all night,
3. and is hanged betimes in the morning, may sleep the
4. sounder all the next day.

1. ABHORSON
2. Look you, sir; here comes your ghostly father: do
3. we jest now, think you?

Enter DUKE VINCENTIO disguised as before

1. DUKE VINCENTIO
2. Sir, induced by my charity, and hearing how hastily
3. you are to depart, I am come to advise you, comfort
4. you and pray with you.

1. BARNARDINE
2. Friar, not I I have been drinking hard all night,
3. and I will have more"}, {"title": "", "text": "runn'st thou after that which flies from thee, Whilst I thy babe chase thee afar behind; But if thou catch thy hope, turn back to me, And play the mother's part, kiss me, be kind; So will I pray that thou mayst have thy 'Will,' If thou turn back and my loud crying still. ### CXLIV ### Two loves I have of comfort and despair, Which like two spirits do suggest me still: The better angel is a man right fair, The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill. To win me soon to hell, my female evil, Tempteth my better angel from my side, And would corrupt my saint to be a devil, Wooing his purity with her foul pride. And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend, Suspect I may, yet not directly tell; But being both from me, both to each friend, I guess one angel in another's hell: Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt, Till my bad angel fire my good one out. ### CXLV ### Those lips that Love's own hand did make, Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate', To me that languish'd for her sake: But when she saw my woeful state, Straight in her heart did mercy come, Chiding that tongue that ever sweet Was us'd in giving gentle doom; And taught it thus anew to greet; 'I hate' she alter'd with an end, That followed it as gentle day, Doth follow night, who like a fiend From heaven to hell is flown away."}, {"title": "", "text": "oft predict that I in heaven find: But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive, And constant stars in them I read such art As 'Truth and beauty shall together thrive, If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert'; Or else of thee this I prognosticate: 'Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date.' ### XV ### When I consider every thing that grows Holds in perfection but a little moment, That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows Whereon the stars in secret influence comment; When I perceive that men as plants increase, Cheered and checked even by the self-same sky, Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease, And wear their brave state out of memory; Then the conceit of this inconstant stay Sets you most rich in youth before my sight, Where wasteful Time debateth with decay To change your day of youth to sullied night, And all in war with Time for love of you, As he takes from you, I engraft you new. ### XVI ### But wherefore do not you a mightier way Make war upon this bloody tyrant, Time? And fortify your self in your decay With means more blessed than my barren rhyme? Now stand you on the top of happy hours, And many maiden gardens, yet unset, With virtuous wish would bear you living flowers, Much liker than your painted counterfeit: So should the lines of life that life repair, Which this, Time's pencil, or my pupil pen, Neither in inward worth nor outward fair, Can"}, {"title": "", "text": "mind's eye, Horatio. HORATIO I saw him once; he was a goodly king. HAMLET He was a man, take him for all in all, I shall not look upon his like again. HORATIO My lord, I think I saw him yesternight. HAMLET Saw? who? HORATIO My lord, the king your father. HAMLET The king my father! HORATIO Season your admiration for awhile With an attent ear, till I may deliver, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you. HAMLET For God's love, let me hear. HORATIO Two nights together had these gentlemen, Marcellus and Bernardo, on their watch, In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus encounter'd. A figure like your father, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them, and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice he walk'd By their oppress'd and fear-surprised eyes, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, distilled Almost to jelly with the act of fear, Stand dumb and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch; Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The apparition comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like. HAMLET But where was this? MARCELLUS My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd. HAMLET Did"}, {"title": "", "text": "the show appear; That love is merchandiz'd, whose rich esteeming, The owner's tongue doth publish every where. Our love was new, and then but in the spring, When I was wont to greet it with my lays; As Philomel in summer's front doth sing, And stops her pipe in growth of riper days: Not that the summer is less pleasant now Than when her mournful hymns did hush the night, But that wild music burthens every bough, And sweets grown common lose their dear delight. Therefore like her, I sometime hold my tongue: Because I would not dull you with my song. ### CIII ### Alack! what poverty my Muse brings forth, That having such a scope to show her pride, The argument, all bare, is of more worth Than when it hath my added praise beside! O! blame me not, if I no more can write! Look in your glass, and there appears a face That over-goes my blunt invention quite, Dulling my lines, and doing me disgrace. Were it not sinful then, striving to mend, To mar the subject that before was well? For to no other pass my verses tend Than of your graces and your gifts to tell; And more, much more, than in my verse can sit, Your own glass shows you when you look in it. ### CIV ### To me, fair friend, you never can be old, For as you were when first your eye I ey'd, Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold, Have from the forests"}, {"title": "", "text": "open hand in sign of love;
4. Else might I think that Clarence, Edward\u2019s brother,
5. Were but a feigned friend to our proceedings.
6. But welcome, sweet Clarence, my daughter shall be thine.
7. And now what rests but, in night\u2019s coverture,
8. Thy brother being carelessly encamp\u2019d,
9. His soldiers lurking in the town about,
10. And but attended by a simple guard,
11. We may surprise and take him at our pleasure?
12. Our scouts have found the adventure very easy;
13. That as Ulysses and stout Diomede
14. With sleight and manhood stole to Rhesus\u2019 tents
15. And brought from thence the Thracian fatal steeds,
16. So we, well cover\u2019d with the night\u2019s black mantle,
17. At unawares may beat down Edward\u2019s guard,
18. And seize himself; I say not, slaughter him,
19. For I intend but only to surprise him.
20. You that will follow me to this attempt,
21. Applaud the name of Henry with your leader.
22. They all cry, \u201cHenry!\u201d
23. Why then, let\u2019s on our way in silent sort.
24. For Warwick and his friends, God and Saint George!

Exeunt. WAR. OXF. French Soldiers CLAR. D. SOM.